Kpopalypse roundup new k-pop releases 10/7/2023

It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!

If I ever marry someone and they release an apology video, or any other type of video about it that isn’t “suck shit I’m married and you’re not”, I’m getting a divorce. Also, abs. Dongwoon didn’t even get an honourable mention in this year’s objectification survey abs results, can you believe it? Competition’s tough out there.

NewJeans – NewJeans

NewJeans’ aesthetic is really cool sometimes (when they’re not catering to the raincoat market) but let’s face it, their music is just Pink Pantheress-lite. NewJeans right now are all vibes, and the absolute bare minimum of actual music.

NewJeans – Super Shy

Their other song is a little better but there’s no getting around the fact that NewJeans are a dream come true for racists who are offended that a black person doing cute [insert genre here] music exists and want the same type of thing in a different package. No wonder NewJeans is so popular with the openly racist k-pop fan community. I hope this stain doesn’t follow the poor girls and they don’t end up being 4chan’s darlings like Taylor Swift was for years before she finally had to make a political statement just to scare away the Nazis finally.

TXT & Jonas Brothers – Do It Like That

I don’t know what Jonas Brothers normally sound like, but this certainly doesn’t sound like what TXT normally sound like (at their best OR their worst), so I’m going to blame Jonas Brothers for this trash and just move on.

Teen Top – HWeek

Teen Top are still around, that’s pretty cool just on its own even if their new music is average.

Jun – Psycho

I really like the instrumental here. Not so keen on what’s happening vocally, but since he does actually shut up for a good portion of the song’s best moments, it’s fine, it kind of works.

The Weeknd, Jennie, Lily-Rose Depp – One Of The Girls

I don’t even know what parts of this Jennie sung, if any, but if she was cheated out of being in this song she sure dodged a bullet because fuck this is boring. Even at 2x speed it’s still too slow.

EXO – Cream Soda

I’ve been sent tons of death threats and unhinged racist rants by EXO fans over the past couple of weeks just because I didn’t happen to like their latest songs (because apparently my random opinion really means that much to them) and this may have now biased me slightly against appreciating future EXO content, but I’ll do my best to remain objective here. After all it’s always good to get a reminder that no, ARMY’s aren’t the only insane fandom, and in fact ALL k-pop fans are drinking the same Kool-Aid and spouting the same mind-controlled hyper-capitalist bigoted gibberish, the only reason why ARMYs tend to get the worst reputation is because there are more of them overall so their toxicity is more noticeable. So I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I actually really like EXO’s latest song because it’s got a good beat, some nice harmonies, plus I really like the dancing and the set design, in fact I thought a lot of effort was put into this whole package and it really shows through in the end product… nah just kidding, this sucks fucking dog shit, sorry kids.

ZB1 – In Bloom

The TV show this group was spawned from may make me want to bash bricks up my ass, but I’ve got to admit that the song here is reasonably good.

Sorn – U Already Know

Not much of a song but then it’s for some computer game tournament or whatever and those things always get rushed out the door. Speaking of which it’s cool that Riot Games are using Sorn here because I like Sorn a lot, but they got Shannon Williams’ number right there in their phone… like, I’m sure she would do a song if they asked nicely and coughed up some dollars. I bet they don’t even give her free skins for her Jett character or whatever (idek how it works in that game).

KISS OF LIFE – Shhh

Another new group with a metric fuck-ton of hype around them and so far not much to show for it in the way of songs. I’m writing this review 30 seconds after I listened to it and I can’t even remember how it goes. You’ll probably say that you like this anyway just because you’ll be too scared to go against your peer group who also say they like it even though they’re secretly just as lukewarm about the track as you are.

Kep1er – Rescue Tayo

Okay this could have been a LOT worse so I’ll give it a hard pass, even if I worry about the ethics of teaching kids that buses are friendly.

Queenz Eye – UN-NORMAL

There’s nothing drastically wrong with this, but the problem is that the song is ironically just way too normal. I could hear this anywhere and it sounds like I’ve heard it 500 times already.

Kim Boa – Write & Draw

It’s that girl from Spica and Keembo, doing a song, and it’s the kind of song your grandparents would dig.

NiziU – Look At Me

JYPs designated shit Japanese group nobody cares about and it’s basically Twice’s “Dance The Night Away” concept but with a song that sucks.

8TURN – ING

The moment you see ‘fan song’ you know to turn it off. ‘Fan song’ translated really means “a song only a fan could possibly like”.

Punch – Keep Me Busy

There’s a rule for roundup where OST songs are completely banned unless 1. they are for computer games or 2. unless Punch sings them. Punch is everything k-pop should be, great singer, great songs, meets required standards on all levels. Unfortunately because she does so many OSTs she appears in her own videos approximately once every six years because the video directors just use boring drama footage all the time, gotta take the good with the bad I guess.

Dynamic Duo feat. DJ Friz – Pied Pipers

Dynamic Duo are less boring this week than last but they could still step it up a bit from here, this is like an 80s B-track by some pop rapper.

pH-1, Keita – Metronome

Seriously, this guy who usually sucks has a better rap song than Dynamic Duo this week. The vets better lift their game, geez.

Junny feat. Gaeko – Invitation

Okay, song’s boring so let’s listen to black music instead. Admit it, this is 100% where NewJeans got the sound they’re going with currently. I wouldn’t say I’m a big fan of this girl but I do think Pinkpantheress has got a much better handle on topline writing than whoever is churning out NewJeans tracks at the moment and why are you comparing them because they’re so fucking similar that’s why.

Norazo – A Worker

He lifted up the rice cooker lid while it was still cooking, that’s grounds for divorce I think.

Forestella – White Night

“Such great vocalists” – they’re miming. You can always tell when they smile from ear to ear and the vocal tone doesn’t change to reflect how it should through a stretched mouth. Jihyo does that a lot too just FYI.

Filmsound, Ldy – Dizzy

Some nice punchy backings really help things along here, and the chorus is decent, like Kate Bush but more restrained so that humans can actually sing it.

ID:Earth – Aliens

And this is the same type of thing but done in a way that I like a lot less.

Migyo x Highbro – Bittersweet

I’m not into it. This song feels like back when I had long hair and strangers would stop me in the mall and ask me if I wanted to buy drugs. I’d say no and they wouldn’t believe me that I wasn’t into drugs, because I had long hair so I must’ve been into drugs, right? Stop pushing this song onto me Migyo x Highbro whoever you are, I don’t “do” coffee shop.

Jiyoungssi – Lowkey

I’m serious, I don’t do coffee shop, stop following me! Hey, officer, can you stop this guy from harrassing me? What do you mean I look like the kind of guy who’d be into that? What are you trying to say?

KEAV 8 – Misery

So an AI made this video quite clearly, you can always tell with these non-specific blurry generic kind of images. That AI probably trained itself on my girlfriend’s pictures from back in her goth modelling days so I’m gonna encourage her to sue these cunts for copyright infringement.

Kim Soyeon – Pick Me

Seven Shure 55’s and none of them pointed the right way. Cancelled.

Vinxen, Im Soo – sOs

I swore that was one of the girls from Pocket Girls for a second. Anyway that’s enough shit songs for this week, goddamn.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

Tolomeo plays Try Not To Have Gay Sex With Yves 5 + interview with Kpopalypse

A couple of weeks ago, instead of doing my usual k-pop livestream, I dropped into gamer Tolomeo’s stream as he played TNTHGSWY5. It was quite fun watching him get frustrated by Blockberry Town’s doors that don’t go anywhere and also seeing him miss half the content because he didn’t figure out how important it is to talk to certain characters multiple times. After the playthrough is a section where I join the stream and he interviews me and basically asks “whyyyyyyyyy” and I spend about an hour or two answering, he was very cool and I appreciate him letting me on the stream very much. The best part of the whole stream though is at 2 hours 17 minutes in when he’s introduced to “Yum Yum” – fun times!

LOL what is this crap, SM

They’re trying to do an “esoteric and deep but it’s really about pushing you product” NewJeansy/f(x)ish thing for NCT, but SM without MHJ’s art direction are way too ham-fisted to make that kind of stuff work so it just comes off looking like shit. The AI art of course doesn’t help because it always looks garbage but even without that, there’s nothing to see here except a B-list creative director jerking off in our faces. As much as MJH has some really unlikeable aspects about her she at least knew what the fuck she was doing just on the creative design aspect. (That’s also why she had plausible deniability‘ prepared ahead of time for “Cookie“, she’s not stupid, creative designers think of these things.)

Rainbow – A

I swore I’ve covered this before in bonus songs but my readers insist that I haven’t so I believe them. Anyway, “A” is actually reasonable but the pace is leaden and the tempo just drags. It’s still more good than bad in retrospect and has aged well in today’s landscape of cacophonous bullshit songs, but put it up against something better from its own era like KARA’s similar but far superior “Pandora” and it sounds weak. The only thing “A” has going in its favour is that cool surf guitar, maybe if that was all throughout the song I’d like it more, but it isn’t, so I don’t.

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That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!