Curious caonimas wish to know the meaning of “Christian horse girl music” and Kpopalypse has the answers! Or maybe not, but here’s a post about it anyway, enjoy!

The fine readers of kpopalypse.com will know that “Christian horse girl music” is something that’s been getting referred to more and more in the kpoponlineosphere. So what exactly are people talking about?

Firstly, there’s the “Christian” aspect. I’ve used the idea of a “Christian horse girl” as a loose template for Eunice, the lead character in my book Girls909, who is a Christian girl that likes horses and makes music. But that’s not quite the same thing that people are talking about. When k-pop talks about “Christian horse girl music” they’re talking about groups like…

…Gfriend. All four of these videos that claim to explain the term use images of Gfriend for their chosen clickbait thumbnail. So Gfriend must be an important part of Christian horse girl music, whatever that is. However, Gfriend are also…

…a bunch of dirty goat-worshipping first-wave-of-Black-Metal-listening Satanists like Kpopalypse, as this song’s lyrical content demonstrates. They even named the album this is from Walpurgis Night, after the noted Satanic ritual. There’s definitely no Christianity going on here.

So we can count Christianity out as the one deciding factor. What about horses?

There are many horses in k-pop music videos, but aespa are the only k-pop group to feature a song containing a horse that seems to have musical input. Strangely, the horse’s voice sounds like G-Dragon, but we won’t judge, kpopalypse.com is a safe space for horses that sound like G-Dragon. But what it doesn’t sound like, is any era of Gfriend.

Even the witchy-spell-casting, blood-sacrificing, apple-from-the-Tree-Of-Life-munching era of Gfriend doesn’t sound like aespa. That brings us to “girl”.

Something that does sound like Gfriend, quite a lot actually, is k-pop boy group The Wind.

More recently TWS have also jumped on the concept, but as usual, it wasn’t a HYBE boy group that paved the way.

Obviously we want girls in our Christian horse girl content, but do we strictly need them for that content to still qualify? The fact is that in 2026 it’s a lot easier to find boy groups with this sound these days than girl groups. Are k-pop fans who claim to champion progressive causes such as trans rights also happy with their favourite music changing its gender identity?

I asked my readers what defined “Christian horse girl” a while back and here’s what I got. Most of the possibilities here can be counted out immediately due to having no k-pop example. The general opinion in the result is that early, Gfriend, Apink, Girls Generation and Lovelyz represent “Christian horse girl” more than… an actual Christian horse girl. Sorry, Eunice.

Now let’s look at these three videos again and see if we can make any sense out of them.

This video from Kpopping opens boldly with an actual dictionary-styled definition of the term:

So that wouldn’t rule out this, for example.

Or even this:

So “innocent, bright and youthful sound and aesthetic” clearly isn’t the whole story. The video also says that the term is “pure fan-speak”. It also says that Christian horse girl music is partly about “the emotional maximalism that only k-pop can bring” but in its conclusion also says that the style is dying because of a “shift towards maximalism”. No real discussion of the music of any substance other than that orchestration is probably important. Regarding Oh My Girl’s breakdown, they say “it doesn’t just build, it ascends”, even though the melodic line actually descends in that section. Perhaps Kpopping shouldn’t have left such an important issue to AI slop scriptwriting.

The second video shows signs of actually being written and narrated by a human, so that’s nice. There’s also a reasonable attempt to define the music here, “building up to a crescendo”, “high note”, “no anti-drop”, “orchestral”. Okay, got you covered.

Wait, what do you mean it’s too slow? What do you mean “youth is important”? Pfft. Ok, so apparently we need young people and at least “moderate tempo”. Okay, so… trot music, then?

I’m pretty sure that’s not what they meant, but it ticks all the boxes. They also talk about how vocal harmony is important or something, but that’s bullshit, the vast majority of this music doesn’t actually have any vocal harmony. A lot of people all singing the same thing in unison at the same pitch is not vocal harmony. Anyway I refuse to take too seriously the opinion of a girl who says in the video that she doesn’t even like horses.

This third video is light on the explanation but gives lots of musical examples. It’s just as well that they’re light on the explanation because they clearly don’t know much musically, skirting around any actual discussion of music and instead giving vague emotive descriptors that are sometimes weirdly chosen.

Calling Girls’ Generation’s “Girls’ Generation” meloncholic (sic) is definitely a stretch, whoever made this video perhaps needs to check not just their spellchecker but their medication levels.

I liked the last video the most just because it acknowledged that k-pop fans tend to think of the actual music as secondary to the colour of their bias’ toenail polish. This one’s pretty good actually with a lot of correct information, even if a lot of the observations the video creator makes (such as use of major and minor keys, key changes during the song etc) don’t really define whether something is actually Christian horse girl music or not.

So now that I’ve spent this entire post shitting on everyone else’s opinions, what’s my own opinion on this important topic? All the videos above are at least somewhat correct to varying degrees. It’s obvious that “Christian horse girl music” is not nothing… we know it when we hear it (early Gfriend), and we also know when we definitely don’t hear it (aespa, Blackpink etc). So let’s try to break it down.

There’s a long list of things that I think are a “nice to have” rather than a “must have” for Christian horse girl music. We’ve already established that we don’t need Christians, horses or girls. Add to that list:

Vocal harmony. It’s barely in k-pop anyway. K-pop fans just literally don’t know what harmony vocals are, or they get tricked into thinking harmonies exist when they don’t by the layered production/aural excitation that is applied to k-pop vocal treatments.

Gfriend’s “Rough” is a song pretty much everyone would agree represents “Christian horse girl music”. It has no vocal harmony, everything is sung in unison. That’s how it’s done in all these groups – the girls generally can’t harmonise anyway, so they don’t, because of the awkward position it puts them in vocally. Ask anyone who has tried to sing actual harmony vocals while doing an energetic dance routine how hard it is… oh wait you can’t, because almost nobody ever actually does that, because it’s literally impossible unless you’re an insane person. If you’re not a musician or a singer and are struggling to understand why, know that trying to hit dead-on vocal harmonies while doing energetic k-pop style dancing is like trying to do a controlled even-flow pee while sprinting. One requires fast movement, the other requires a measure of stillness and muscular focus.

(The exception with “Rough” not having harmony is of course the wailing high-note overdub at the end, but that’s a separate melodic line and not specifically harmonising against the main melody. It’s also completely superfluous to the point, the song wouldn’t lose anything that makes it “Christian horse girl” if that part was removed.)

Orchestral (strings) elements. Often present. Not actually needed.

The early period of Girls’ Generation is an era that people will point to as one of the purest, most undiluted examples of “Christian horse girl music”. Yet SNSD’s title track, which is used as an example of the form in one of the videos above, has no orchestral elements at all.

Lyrics about [insert lyrical theme here]. Nobody cares. It’s pop music. If you’re listening to or caring about lyrics, you’re doing it wrong.

New Jack Swing beats. Whatever the fuck that even is. Stuff that sounds like Bell Biv Devoe” I guess, I don’t know.

Apink’s “Mr. Chu” is just straight up disco. No genre-blending here at all, of any kind.

On the other hand NewJeans’ “Super Shy” does have New Jack Swing beats, or whatever the fuck. (Or if it doesn’t, it’s sure as hell a lot closer to that than “Mr Chu” is.) It’s also bright, youthful (ahem), innocent, has no anti-drop, but nobody’s calling this Christian horse girl music, which brings us to…

Something about “innocence” or whatever. Not needed.

I rest my case.

So that’s all the optional stuff. Now here’s the things that I actually think are required for Christian horse girl music, that I’m not seeing a lot of talk about. Just one of the following indicators isn’t enough – all need to present for a song to be Christian horse girl music.

THINGS THAT ACTUALLY DEFINE CHRISTIAN HORSE GIRL MUSIC 1: Dynamic structure

H1-key’s “To. My First Love” qualifies as Christian horse girl music despite the lack of strings orchestration, because we have a very strict dynamic structure of a chorus that is either higher in pitch or more densely vocally layered (the big theme) and more subdued lower-pitched/sparser verses, which is the part where the narrative of the song is told. (Plus all the other boxes below are ticked as well.) A specific “high note” is not required, but a general commitment to “going harder” vocally in the chorus is.

Loona’s “Flip That” meets a lot of Christian horse girl music criteria in other areas, but as the chorus is relatively melodically static and repeats just one motif, it doesn’t give enough of the same type of vibes to get over the line. Although the video looks like it could be for a Christian horse girl song, the music does not match.

A lot of k-pop from the early 2020s uses the opposite structure, pulling all the layers out in the chorus to leave something more bare bones. Babymonster here is doing the opposite of a Christian horse girl song. (Satanic donkey boy?)

THINGS THAT ACTUALLY DEFINE CHRISTIAN HORSE GIRL MUSIC 2: “Organic” vocals

“Organic” in quotes here because we all know that all k-pop vocals everywhere are machine-altered to fuck. The determining factor is how much does it sound machine-altered to fuck to the untrained ear… or even the trained ear, as plenty of trained singers and singing teachers get fooled by machine-altered performances. We’re talking about audible artifacts that are obvious to absolutely anyone, even some moronic “YouTube voice coach” who probably knows even less about vocals than a casual listener does.

Do you think Berry Good didn’t use Autotune on “Angel”? Oh, please – of course they fucking used it, this was recorded in the 21st century. However the song does give the audible impression of being actually sung without pitch correction, you could certainly fool somebody ignorant enough. And the impression of natural vocals is all that is required for this style.

However nobody is fooled by Dara. You can have the most melodic song in the world, as soon as that robot voice comes cruising in, we’re no longer in Christian horse girl territory. Christian girls don’t use hard Autotune, they trust god to apply a more subtle pitch-correction setting to fix their lousy voices in post-record.

THINGS THAT ACTUALLY DEFINE CHRISTIAN HORSE GIRL MUSIC 3: Traditional melody and harmony is doing the heavy lifting, not rhythm or texture

While Girls’ Generation’s “Into The New World” gets over the line as Christian horse girl music, “Gee” does not. That’s because the main vocal and instrumental hooks in “Gee” are more rhythm-focused and there’s less work for the melodic and harmonic aspects of the song to do. “Into The New World” has much busier (more varied) melody and harmony and that’s a hallmark of Christian horse girl music.

“Rum Pum Pum Pum” by f(x) also doesn’t get over the line for a multitude of reasons but the main one is that the harmony is completely static and the melody is modal, not major/minor. It’s simply not conventional enough. “Christian horse girl” may not be literally by conservatives, but it’s a conservative style that doesn’t take chances like this.

Blackpink’s most successful songs are riff-based, not melody/harmony-based. Hooks are simple, catchy repeating phrases and lines, rhythm is at the forefront, harmony on the other hand is very simplistic and takes a firm back seat. This is especially noticeable in “Pretty Savage” which is a heavy metal song in all aspects except guitar and drum usage. The Christians have left the building.

THINGS THAT ACTUALLY DEFINE CHRISTIAN HORSE GIRL MUSIC 4: Traditional pop/rock textures

While strings orchestration in Christian horse girl music is common, it’s not a requirement. However the building blocks of traditional pop/rock – drums that hit the snare on beats 2 and 4, bass, guitars and/or keyboards – do need to be present.

Seo Eve’s “Talk Talk” has all the musical elements of a traditional pop or rock band in the backing track. It also ticks other boxes for the style. This is Christian horse girl music 100%, so much for it being dead, why aren’t you stanning Seo Eve yet?

Disco works too, if the melody and harmony has enough breathing room. After School Blue’s “Wonder Boy” has all the hallmarks of the style, and while it’s a disco song, the beat stays simple and is there to support the melodic and harmony choices, not the other way around.

NewJeans’ “Ditto” fits into the idea of Christian horse girl music in some ways, but it does not use traditional pop/rock style drums. The off-beat loops and syncopated bass drum give the song a flavour which does not match the Christian horse girl aesthetic.

Red Velvet’s “Ice Cream Cake” has the appropriately bright mood but static harmony for long sections, plus far too much general weirdness. The strange segues and textures give the song some extra interest but also push it far, far away from Christian horse girl territory.

CSR’s “Pop Pop” also has strange segues and general weirdness, but they’re more in the background. Sound effects aren’t included to the point where it completely derails the melody or harmony. The Christian horse girl vibes are stronger here as a result.

Dreamcatcher, at their best, straddled a line between Christian horse girl music and heavy metal. “Fly High” is definitely on the Christian horse girl side of that line thanks to favouring predominantly straightforward rhythm, whereas “Good Night” has a more syncopated rhythmic focus in larger sections of the song, making it edge closer to heavy metal.

THINGS THAT ACTUALLY DEFINE CHRISTIAN HORSE GIRL MUSIC 5: Harmony is complex

Lovelyz’ “Ah-Choo” is extremely harmonically complex, it would be considered complex by jazz standards, let alone pop standards. This is a song where the instrumental harmony is doing most of the work. Not all Christian horse girl music has to be quite this involved, but there needs to, at minimum, be some sort of harmonic complexity added to the traditional “four chords” melodic pop structure.

Itzy’s “Motto” doesn’t quite make the grade for Christian horse girl music due to the fairly bare-bones harmony. It’s quite a good song though and I’m warming up to it a lot more now I have been watching this and not their AI-puke-infused official video. But Christian horse girl dress up doesn’t hide the fact that this song doesn’t have the right vibes.

Oh My Girl’s “Closer” is about as harmonically simple as Christian horse girl music is allowed to get, with a four-chord structure and even a rap section. It was written by a songwriter from outside Asia and it shows, the song definitely sounds like a westerner’s take on Christian horse girl style. However despite not quite being “the real deal” harmonically, the descending vocal harmony breakdown, bass register passing notes, and a big investment in heavy orchestration help cover for the harmonic simplicity and get it across the line… but only just. It’s definitely an edge case, but the lesson here is that the simpler the basic harmony would be on a lead sheet, the more you have to orchestrate it to squeeze out the Christian horse girl vibes.

Year 7 Class 1’s “Oppa Virus” on the other hand has harmony that is complex enough, and as a result it would still sound like a Christian horse girl song even if the orchestral parts were completely absent. You could play and sing this solo with an acoustic guitar and also be a boy and it would still sound like Christian horse girl music.

THINGS THAT ACTUALLY DEFINE CHRISTIAN HORSE GIRL MUSIC 6: fuck it who cares srsly

You don’t need to worry about any of this stuff, you know. Caring about whether your favourite song fits into some dumb category is really not necessary, just listen to the music you like and enjoy it and try not to worry about what some cunt who makes a list thinks. That includes this cunt right here. But it is sometimes useful to be able to identify a sound that you like, so the labels can still be handy for that reason, just don’t let them close you off to cool stuff you might like.

Oh, and did you know that BonusBaby’s agency (among other crimes ahem) wanted “Christian horse girl” concepts so badly they’d make the girls sing right at the top of their ranges, which fucked their voices? It’s quite difficult for girls with lower voices to do the styles they want, or even to get in the music business at all sometimes, because “high voice = more feminine = more marketable to boys”, or something. All Yoojin of BonusBaby wanted was to be a hip-hop. So remember all you weirdos creepily obsessed with high notes – your bullshit comes at a human cost. Just putting that out there.

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Hopefully this post has been helpful for all the caonimas out there struggling to interpret the world of the k-pops! Kpopalypse will return!

It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!

Latency probably aren’t at the level where they can afford roadies yet, so Hyunjin probably checked out of the group as soon as she realised she’d have to lug her drumkit everywhere.

LE SSERAFIM – Boompala

It’s not bad until it hits that horrible Redvelvetised chant chorus. I guess at least it’s a good demonstration of why you shouldn’t trust AI.

Lisa, Anitta, Rema – Goals

Sports songs are not eligible for roundup consideration really and this song won’t be considered for end of year lists either. This entry is just here so you know that I ignored it on purpose. Sport: not even once. Sport is no fun. Sport endangers the lives and happiness of millions. It must stop. We appeal in particular to the youth of today. Stop the madness! There are better things in life

I.O.I – Suddenly

I.O.I finally have a really good song. It only took them a decade of hiatus while their agencies fucked around and tried to milk the fame every other which way.

BIBI – Bumpa

Some almost-bossanova thing which is very boring but Bibi’s waterbomb credentials definitely shine through here. “It’s not sexual, it’s about having a big water party” – that’s what TikTok says so it must be true.

QWER – Bad Habit

QWER go for a 2000s rock revival type sound and I’m not really sure if it plays to their strengths but the chorus is pretty good so I’ll take it.

TWS – All the Possibilities

There are several possibilities in life, but the one that I like the best is the one where I don’t listen to this song again.

xikers – Okay

A lot of k-pop songs get “metal versions” from fans and those versions are mostly a downgrade because it’s just the usual chug-chug generic Johnny one-note riffs that are trendy in modern metal, but I think it would actually do some good here.

Unchild – Energy

Pretty cool actually – simple, punchy, fun, stays in the same mood and doesn’t do anything stupid. That’s all we want really.

Shownu & Hyungwon – Do You Love Me

Well you’re not Wonho, let’s put it that way.

NAZE – Pretty Pink Socks

Look at 1:36. These agencies are acutely aware of how stupid fans are. That’s why they don’t ever listen to anything you say.

DXMON – DXMON

One of those songs that there’s isn’t anything all that wrong with, it just really needed to be faster. Play this at 1.25x speed and it’s actually decent.

DXMON – Make It Rain

There’s no saving this one though, it sucks at any speed other than “off”.

Billlie – Soupasta

I like the part where it sounds like the Goat Simulator theme song with that stupid whistle noise. The rest of it’s relatively ordinary.

Big Ocean – Make It Up To You

More proof that even if you’re deaf you can probably still make a song better than 90% of the k-pop that comes out each week.

THE SSYNDROME – My First Love

That boring soft rock shit that Koreans are addicted to but that the rest of the world puts on only when the insomnia is kicking in.

GPP – Ate!

Take away the shitty slow section where they repeat “ate” mindlessly like they’re playing The Stanley Parable, and it’s like a latter-day Japanese Girls’ Generation song (a good thing).

Jay Park & LNGSHOT – Moya

Nobody cares about your new shit boy group, Jay. What we care about is your soju. Hurry up and send some to my post office box somy girlfriend can drink it and I can review it.

82MAJOR – W.T.F

So short and unspectacular that it barely even exists. Just like this review.

ONE PACT – Pull Up

That Autotuned R&B poop that we all hate.

TNX – Love Letter

Their fourth anniversary song, apparently. Who even knew this group’s boring-ass songs existed, let alone for four years?

Hyojung – Purple Note

A nice try but the songwriting just isn’t quite there for something like this.

Yoon Sanha – IDK ME

Just in case you were wondering, the reason why there’s no other posts besides roundup this week is that for some reason my website admin page wasn’t loading. After a few days of being flummoxed I managed to get around it by pointing my VPN to the Philippines and I don’t know why that fixes it but it does so there you go. I realise that’s probably not very interesting information for many of you, but I promise that if I wrote anything about this song it would be even less interesting.

Yaochen – Hold On

We even gotta use AI-assisted image generation for eating chips now. Can’t we just eat a chip normally, JYP? LISTEN TO LILY WHEN SHE IS SPEAKING TO YOU.

Gabee – Bromm, Taki

Disco bollocks, as generic as it gets.

Yeeun – Elevator

Yeeun’s version of disco bollocks is slightly better but it’s still nothing all that much.

Balming Tiger – Keep On

It’s a nice touch how the video features a guy at the end listening to the song on headphones and gradually descending into mental illness, very relatable.

Jiselle, SUMMERCAKE – Circle in Me

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This is boring too and it’s actually so boring that I forgot what I was going to put in this place instead of a song review so I guess nothing goes here.

Mio – BWB

And this literally sounds like a continuation of the previous boring song. How much generic soft shit can you take? Nobody became a k-pop fan to listen to music like this.

YORCH feat. Sik-k, Bryan Chase – Blow Your Mind

Well it certainly blows something.

Baek Eun Byeol – My Satan

A lot of boring stuff this week that I just skipped and this is boring too but at least it has BADING vibes to rival a Kpopalypse “fiction” novel. Although it’s amusing that the difference between a normal person and a satanic love interest is apparently a few piercings.

Reble ft. Parimal Shais – New Riot

This week’s non-Korean random music pick is this girl from India who raps better than your bias and then some. Enjoy.

RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

HallyU – English Pop Songs Turned Into K-Pop (ft. WAY Too Many SM Songs)

A combination of literal covers, pretty close soundalikes, songs that are only similar for about two seconds, and massive reaches that have nothing in common with each other at all apart from maybe one solitary keyboard patch and a small section of similar vocal meter. Still an interesting video, I’d like to see a more modern version tackling the 2020s.

NewJeans – Super Shy (water cover)

Look, someone got all the tears that everyone cried about NewJeans and made a NewJeans song with them!

Outsider – Loner

Before Gwangil Jo there was Outsider, although honestly I prefer Gwangil Jo because his beat selection is generally better. This romantic strings track is pretty bland honestly. If you rap real fast it’s not going to make her come back to you, you know. I’ve never met a woman who looked at “fast rappers” with anything other than disdain. Maybe it’s different overseas, but saying that you rap in Australia is like saying you’re into NFTs or Andrew Tate, it’s a real swipe-left situation.

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That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!

It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!

We’re going to have so many nominees for 2026’s cross-cultural sensitivity awards that we might need two posts to fit them all in! RIIZE’s Eunseok is the latest person to offend people in neighbouring countries.

ITZY – Motto

Lily from NMIXX put her foot down and said “no more AI” so JYP has to give Itzy all the crappy AI-gen-slop-infused videos now. No wonder Itzy are stuck in the trailer park while NMIXX are making bank.

FIFTY FIFTY – Starstruck

Fifty Fifty try for something more “modern” but this type of sound is actually pretty old-hat in 2026. It doesn’t quite fit together for them either, the vocals are far too “nice” for the backings. Oh well, if you don’t like it you could go and listen to “Starry Night” instead if you wanted, that’s an alright song.

Taeyong – Wyld

Taeyong will ship that mascara express direct to your house if you buy it from his Ebay page, only for you to open the box and find out he shipped you a photograph of a mascara stick.

Taeyang – Live Fast Die Slow

Yea we are dying pretty slowly here with this boring shit. People would probably expect me to like this but while the general feel is good the songwriting is the problem. Nothing to see here.

ZEROBASEONE – TOP 5

And here’s a song that you’d probably expect me to not like but I actually think it kind of works. The beat and the second-gen style melodic focus saves it.

Wanna One – We Wanna Go

I wanna go away from this song.

WOOAH – WXW (Wish With W)

When Wooah dumped the exclamation mark from their group name, the excitement in their music swiftly followed. This new song has serious “for the fans nostalgia” vibes, the agency are definitely prepping fans in advance for their upcoming disbandment.

Jay Park & LNGSHOT – Yeah Yeah

Go buy my girlfriend some soju, yeah yeah. She likes yoghurt flavour thanks Jay, yeah yeah.

Billlie – Off-Air

“All instruments and vocals performed and recorded live on location.” And then touched up later but we’ll ignore that part. Anyway this is boring and it’s no Billlie fan’s favourite song.

Kana Nishino feat. NiziU – Love Beat

It isn’t terrible like most Niziu crap but absolutely nothing here can hide how the girls just don’t give a damn. Although it’s considerate that the agency gave them a chorus dance they can do while deadpanning straight to camera. These girls are so over it.

VVS – Dash

Apparently there’s an Australian in this group that I’m supposed to support but nobody yells out “oi, cunt” in this song so I have no idea who it is. Pity as that might have woken me up from this R&B snoozeathon.

YOUNITE – Pose!

Disco bollocks that sensible listeners won’t care about.

ChaDongHyeop – Doogeundae

Hey this is good and has the kind of songwriting that k-pop could use a little more of. Or maybe it just feels like a shot in the arm because so much of everything else is boring this week.

FLARE U – Way 2 U

FNC debut a new boy group because they have no idea what the people want evidently. However at least this isn’t some hip-hop bullshit, my god I sound like Eunice hahaha…

AMPERS&ONE – What You Talking About

This however IS some hip-hop bullshit. It’s not bad bullshit by k-pop standards as it happens but you’re not exactly going to burn your Wu-Tang records.

MONSTA X – Burning Up

The cheapest, shittiest type of “for the fans” video is the one where they’re not even singing the song that you’re hearing and they make no effort at all to even make it look like they are by trying to sync mouth gestures or whatever.

82MAJOR – Circles

I’ve been rambling a lot and not saying much about the songs this week but it’s not my fault that your bias makes boring music that’s not worth writing about.

NOWZ – Us

What in the AI asscrack is this.

CATCH THE YOUNG – Sail

Some soft-rock nonsense that nobody under retirement age should be listening to. They should change their name to Catch The Pension.

CrazAngel – Picasso

It seems okay but it sounds weirder the more you listen. There’s definitely a few places where the melodies and the harmonies don’t quite line up and you’ll notice something’s “off” after a while. I’m fairly sure that’s not some meta-concept to do with the song title but just a fuck-up here and there that nobody could be bothered fixing.

COMMA – Radical

This song has a “visual film” to go with it, as opposed to all those “non-visual films” that you’ve all been enjoying lately.

Wave to Earth – Heaven and Hell

Some better than usual instrumentation helps this song out, but I’d just as soon not listen to it.

Seeya – Stay

The best song from the Seeya revival yet, thanks to having a bit of a pulse.

Taeyong – Storm

Taeyong will sell you one of these rocks from his video set on his Ebay page but when you open the package it’s not a rock from his video set it’s a piece of packing styrofoam painted dark grey.

Mingi – Dinero

I think I’ll take my dineros and spend them elsewhere.

Park Jinyoung – Everlove

No it’s not THAT Park Jinyoung. A pity because some plastic pants would have maybe livened this up, or at least forced me to remember it into next week.

Yaochen – Check Yaoself

Now that is one horrible dad-pun of a song title. Let’s not review this as punishment.

Yaochen – Hold On

His other song can get fucked too.

Yeeun – Scent of Memories

Got quite a shock when I loaded this up on my livestream and expected some dogshit ballad but turns out it’s actually a semi-acceptable piece of music from the ex-CLC member. Maybe it’ll motivate Sorn to stop messing around on socials and put another song out one day.

Balming Tiger – Gojingamrae

I’m not really into this but it does somewhat resemble an actual song and that’s something a bit different for Balming Tiger who usually just bang on a tin can and yelp a bit and call it a day.

HYNN – Title Role

I don’t like this much but it’s probably one of the better Hynn songs just because she doesn’t both look and sound like she wants to kill herself.

Sohyang feat. Vincent Blue – I Pray For Your Eternity

This is the kind of song that Eunice hoped she would get to do but instead she had to do [redacted for spoilers] and when she finally did get a song like this it was [redacted for more spoilers]. By the way if you get annoyed by all my book references because you just think I’m trying to sell books, this isn’t true, I actually refer to my books to annoy you, selling more of them is just an unintended by-product. If missing out really bothers you and you don’t want to give me money because I’m problematic, you can read the books I write for free at your local library if it has Libby ordering system, you know. So no need to give a cunt like me your $5 for an ebook, just ask them to order it in, they’ll do it if they know what’s good for them because if not I’ll send Shian over. Sorry for rambling but anything’s better than talking about another Sohyang song.

Simon Dominic – Simon Says

They warned me at the start of the song that the beat was about to drop and I listened to the whole thing and I’m still waiting for it.

Simon Dominic feat. Masta Wu – Neukkyuh

This other song is even more boring. Let’s stop doing roundup before I fall asleep and end up releasing it 8 hours behind schedule.

Ban Ga-Hee – Me, Having Lost Love

But wait, this trot ballad is actually awesome. It’s so deep into its own melodrama that it kind of wraps around and becomes hardcore again. She sings so hard I was afraid she was going to burst a neck artery. If she was filling in for Iron Madien (and she could) that might be the motivation I need to buy a ticket for their overpriced concert later this year.

IF YOU WANNA KPOP, EVERY WANNA KPOP SECTION

Anna Cheng – I H8 U

I don’t know if Anna Cheng is a k-pop, but she clearly wants to be, so in the spirit of Chad Future she can go in here. Song’s quite nice actually.

Olivia Marsh – Roll

Is Olivia Marsh a k-pop? The debate rages on but k-pop fans like TC Candler consider her relevant enough to drool all over her comments section, so that tips me towards yes. He clearly stans so I guess you’re seeing Olivia on his next list.

Trisha Paytas – Saranghae (I Love You)

This Trisha girl is a k-pop now, apparently. I don’t really know who she is, but apparently she’s well known or something. I will calmly accept. Also, best body in k-pop hands down.

Cateek – Never Gonna Give You Up

This week’s actual non-Korean video is Cateek, or as a reader put it, “Temu Eunha”. Hey in the absence of actual Eunha doing jack shit, I’ll take it.

RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

aespa 에스파 ‘WDA (Whole Different Animal) (Feat. G-DRAGON)’ but the beat is actually good

Longtime Kpopalypse reader, aespa stan and BADING musical genius Annie decided to take on board my commentary from last week and fix the main problem with aespa’s “WDA”, so I synced it up to the video for her. And you. It’s actually a pretty good song now, enjoy.

ILLIT Tries Not To Sing Their Own Songs!

Where the setup is, of course, “oh wow the songs are so catchy we just can’t stop ourselves from singing along, watch us fail to control ourselves, gosh our songs must be so great”, as if k-pop performers don’t get drilled to the milimeter behind the scenes and exerting control over every little urge they ever had is completely absorbed into their psyche by the time they debut. Anyway if you want to see k-pop idols not singing to their own songs, there’s no need for fake-ass videos like this, just watch any of their TV “live” stages.

Jewelry – One More Time

A pretty dull song from Jewelry from back in the 2000s, what sticks out the most these days is the instrumental choices which were quite unique for k-pop for the time and probably even more so these days. That’s the only highlight though, the actual song itself is pretty boring once the novelty of hearing accordion and slide guitar in a k-pop song wears thin.

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That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!

It’s time for a different kind of Kpopalypse post – this time, Kpopalypse is taking a look at k-pop idols at the Met Gala to see if their outfits meet required standards Find out more below!

An often-repeated question on Kpopalypse livestreams and other content is “good look for her?” or “MRS?” (meets required standards) followed by a random link to some k-pop girl wearing something or other. I don’t know why people give so much of a shit what I think about other people’s appearances but apparently they do. Maybe it’s because Kpopalypse is the only straight male who isn’t scared to actually talk about things like fashion, something that it’s probably hard to find this kind of opinion on because most straight men are worried people will think they’re gay if they talk about that shit. So this post is all about Kpopalypse throwing down his subjective opinions on Met Gala fashions to annoy/entertain/amuse you!

So firstly, what the fuck even is a Met Gala? I am not Metgalalypse so of course I had no idea so I had to educate myself on this important topic. In fact, that’s a lie, I don’t give a single fuck so I didn’t even bother. Who the fuck cares, let’s just look at the outfits. I’ll score them out of 10 just based on how much I subjectively like them because it always really angers people when I subjectively score people on their appearance, which is hilarious. Annoying stupid people is an important part of this website. 8 or above mrs, so let’s go.

Jennie (Blackpink)

Jennie handling this fake-ass conversation here is pretty funny, she’s dripping with caonima attitude:

The other girl: “You look so…”
Jennie: “Thank you! You too!”

Jennie didn’t even wait for that other girl to finish her sentence. It could have been an insult or anything. She clearly doesn’t give a fuck, but if it was me saying it the missing word would have been “crustacean”. I’ll give this a 5 mainly because the seashell-shaped hairdo at least matches the dress.

All of the Blackpink members had different outfits for the after-party. Jennie’s is kind of random op-shop mishmash and I’ll give this a 5 too because the sunglasses look like poop on her.

Rosé (Blackpink)

“The bird stood out”, Rose says. It sure does, the thing stabs her in the arm a few times and even gets caught inside her elbow for a while, she probably should have held the micrphone with the other hand. I bet she was glad to rip that thing off as soon as the yapping and posing out was over with. I’ll give this a 6 but it’d be an 8 if she gave that bird the bird and replaced it with something normal like a belt.

The after-party dress is kind of the same thing but without the bird and with a much different bottom half. Not sure what that massive train at the back is about, how are you expected to party with something like that in your area. 6 again.

Lisa (Blackpink)

Here’s a cool outfit if you’ve ever wanted to feel like there’s a stalker constantly behind you. Having a couple of your own disembodied arms constantly in your perhipheral vision would definitely give any k-pop girl “am I on a boy group street harassment video set” vibes. Having said that if you were harassed on the street for real at least you could rip one of the arms off and beat your attacker to death with it, or fist them with it. 4 with the arms, 7 without (or if they painted some blood onto them).

Lisa’s after-party outfit definitely has pimp vibes, It seems pretty comfortable as long as Lisa didn’t need to look over her shoulder for any reason that night because she’d just cop a faceful of dead animal. It suits her but it’s not really a vibe I like, 5/10 because it looks like it’s made out of my cat and that’s just depressing, I don’t like to be reminded of my cat’s mortality as she’s kind of old these days.

Jisoo (Blackpink)

Jisoo goes for the flower theme, although it’s kind of hard to really see the details. For some reason the flower add-ons trick my eye into thinking the camera is not in focus. Jisoo seems nervous and she mentions she just wants to find the other girls, probably because everyone else around her is some annoying idiot from the fashion world and Jisoo seems like she’s very give-no-fucks and wouldn’t get along with that crowd. Giving her a 7 just to make her feel better for being dragged along to this shit.

Her after-party dress isn’t too bad either but it’s weirdly lopsided at the bottom, not sure if that’s the cut of the dress or maybe she’s just all out of fucks to give. I know a girl who used to sneak goon bags into venues under her dress to save money, she’d lift up her dress and it looked like she was taking a piss but actually she was refilling her drink from the goon bag. This dress here definitely looks like Jisoo is storing a goon bag on one side like my friend did. 6/10 just for caonima vibes. Note that the girl with her in black is Hoyeon from Squid Game series 1 and she’s absolutely killing it but she is not a k-pop so she doesn’t get a separate entry here (yet I found a way to squeeze her in anyway).

Karina (aespa)

Karina doesn’t get an interview probably because her English skills are ass compared to the Blackpinkians but the full outfit is in this video from 5:32. I’ll give this outfit an 8 with the jacket on and 7 without, because the jacket hides the weird stiffness of the front of the dress. That’s probably the fault of the wardrobe department going bezerk with the Bedazzler along the neckline and weighing the fabric down.

Karina’s after party dress just looks normal and good. My girlfriend would rock this dress, if she sees this video she might ask me to track it down and I’d have no clue where to find it. Caonimas you gotta help me locate it if that happens. 9/10.

Ningning (aespa)

People think I’m a cunt and I definitely am but even I wouldn’t talk to a woman like this (at least not without a safeword). Listen to these fuckwits with the cameras. Don’t you just wish you were there so you could grab their equipment and smash it? Ningning at least looks like she’s thinking it. Her formless but quite pretty dress makes Ningning look like one of those fuzzy black wasp larvae that live in trees in the suburbs of my city and squirt acid in your eyes if you get too close. I’d like to see a dress modification so Ningning could spit gobs of hydrochloric acid over the paparazzi, I’ll give her an 8 for this dress as in “ate some stupid cameraman’s face off”.

For the after-party Ningning wore something a bit more bare bones, and actually it’s bare bones indeed because her shoulders completely dominate this dress. She’s definitely been doing her lateral pull-downs at the gym but I think a dress with a bit more fabric on the shoulder straps would have suited her figure better. 6/10.

Ejae

The Kpop Demon Hunters star is ready to hunt some more demons in this chain-mail inspired outfit. I reckon that if you swiped a broadsword into her stomach Ejae wouldn’t even feel it, and I’m not even sure what weapon could even penetrate the stones on that necklace, probably not even one of her own pitch-corrected high-notes. Although she’s all set up for her local medieval LARP I’m only giving this a 6 because I think this dress while sturdy also seems extra-conductive so it could make her vulnerable to lightning bolt spells. Kpop Demon Hunters folks did not do the after-party thing (or if they did I can’t find footage) so no second video here.

Audrey Nuna

Audrey Nuna doesn’t get her own video with a helpful explanation of what the fuck her outfit is about so here she is hanging out with fellow KDH star Ejae covered above. Audrey seems pretty miserable actually, perhaps she hates the paparazzi too, or maybe it’s just because she’s wearing what looks like a gangster outfit covered in the black mold that I just cleaned off my ceiling. I’m pretty sure I saw a few of those black specks move, I guess the fuzzy black wasp larvae are back. I’ll give this a 4 mainly just for psyching everybody out.

Hyoseop

Men are not exempt from scrutiny and objectification here at Kpopalypse.com and Ahn Hyoseop is the voice of Jinu from Saja Boys, the Kpop Demon Hunters boy group. His suit is pretty cool actually although I’m not sure what’s going on with that weird black button/buckle/bullshit thing in the centre. Just unbutton it and let your abs shine, that’s what I think. 7 for effort plus being the only guy in this thing, where are all the other male k-pops. Hey I learned when researching this post that the last Korean male k-pop to do the Met Gala thing was Rain in 2015. He paved the way.

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That’s all for this post! Now you know my exciting opinions on the 2026 Met Gala k-pop and the amount of “good look for her” questions in livestreams that I have to grind through will decrease by approximately 0.248% Kpopalypse will return!