Kpopalypse roundup – new k-pop releases 3/4/2023

It’s time fro Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!

I guess the Korean national security advisor was a BTS fan, upset that Blackpink PAVED THE WAY.

Jisoo – Flower

Some different sonic choices are appreciated, but it all just seems a bit empty and that chorus hook sounds like it was inspired by one of Teddy’s wet farts. Something a bit risky and interesting happens with the harmony right at the end there but then the song ends two seconds later so it doesn’t end up mattering. A bit pissweak for someone from the group that PAVED THE WAY, you won’t get another invite to Jill Biden’s house with this nonsense.

Jisoo – All Eyes On Me

This other track has a bit more life in it, thank fuck. The worst thing about it is actually the song title. “All Eyes On Me” is such a nugu song lyric, it’s what all the B and C-list groups sing when they try and convince you that they’re the next big thing, it definitely doesn’t belong in the mouth of someone from the group that PAVED THE WAY.

CSR – Shining Bright

CSR continue to be good and if you don’t like this music you’re definitely both racist and sexist. I know this doesn’t make much sense, but this logic seems to work for the people insisting that I like some half-baked watered-down limp electronically-smoothed version of western R&B, so it can work for me too. Everyone who doesn’t like CSR is a Nazi and a pedophile until further notice.

Billlie – Eunoia

Billlie’s song is also decent enough, although I miss the more unusual edge of some of their other stuff. The visual style is cool too, it’s like NewJeans but without all the transparent hand-wringing postmodern dishonesty.

NewJeans – Zero

Speaking of which, NewJeans use their typical pretentious arthouse wank to do what it was always supposed to do in the long run, which is appeal to product placement. Don’t think about it too hard, just buy the fucking soft drink. You want some soft drink, don’t you? Game over. The machine is eating you alive. 

MAMAMOO+ – GGBB

Why do they have Moonbyul singing about boys here, nobody’s believing that. Also, get ready for one of the stupidest drops in the history of k-pop, you’ve been warned.

MAMAMOO+ – LLL

Ah the Hana and Caitlin vibes are strong here.

Xikers – Tricky House

It’s weird how k-pop can consistently provide soft-as-shit weak-ass graffiti slogans with not a Kim Garam-drawn penis entering a vagina in sight, suitable for easily-offended young people who can use social networking but are barely out of their diapers, yet they still wear T-shirts with slogans like “I sniff cocaine while getting my ass eaten by the headmaster”.

Holland – Number Boy

It’s just a bit too millennial-whoopy for me to really get into it, but I enjoy the minimalist vocal approach and just the fact that it exists.

LIONESSES.G – My Pretty

Not sure why Lionesses needs a subunit but it’s a better song than what they usually do. I hope they’re getting paid top dollar by that gay dating app they’re pushing.

Ryu Sujeong – Love or Hate

Love or hate? Why’s everything so polarised these days. What happened to ‘meh’? I think we need more ‘meh’ in the world. Good to see Sujeong helping out on getting us started with that.

BADS feat. Alexa – Running Out Of Love

Minus 10 points for not including Alexa in the video, minus another 3469876234598 points for including NFT apes instead. They had a choice and they clearly made the wrong one. Next.

Ahri – Eyes On Me

Like most other things Rocking Doll have done it’s actually okay once you subtract the shitty raps but it’s just lacking something to make it extra special.

Dreamnote – Blue

Nothing all that interesting. I get that we’re supposed to be sad about something but I’m not sure what. That this isn’t a better song, perhaps.

BamBam – Sour & Sweet

Kim Lip’s missile silo needs a fence around it to stop this type of thing from happening.

WE:A – Day&Night

This song is in 6/8 so if you’re struggling with knowing what 6/8 is, here it is. That’s about the only thing I’ve got to say.

Seoul Philharmonic Orchestra – Into The New World

SM waste our time clawing desperately at whatever questionable “art music” cred they can scratch up with this over-arranged catastrophe that’s all about form over function, shitting all over their own legacy in the process and turning one of their most iconic songs ever into a pointless masturbation exercise for fuckheads. As rude as my writing gets (although I don’t really think I’m all that rude, but whatever, cunt), nothing that I’ve ever written or will ever write is as capable of directly insulting anyone as much as the existence of “SM Classics” insults all k-pop fans, past, present and future.

Tak, Corbyn – Tic! Tac! Toe!

Actually pretty decent, don’t let the poverty-stricken dance video fool you. Imaginative instrumentation helps lift this one well above the pack.

Big Naughty feat. Nochang – Sleepwalker

This song sucks so instead here’s your weekly lesson in black music. For those who thought Tosin Abasi a couple weeks ago was a one-off and “surely there’s no other black shred guitar players, I mean, is shred really black music, come on now Kpopalypse who are you trying to kid here” may I introduce you to Tony MacAlpine. Tony was one of the many talented guitarists who was signed to Shrapnel Records in the 1980s and a particularly good one too, with a sense of musicality that helped him stand out in what was at that time an overcrowded scene. This is pretty evident in “Tears Of Sahara” where you can see him ripping up the fretboard in all his 80s hair-metal glory, but Tony is still active today and never really stopped. He also recently survived cancer and his wife passing so if you’re into this kind of thing why not support him and check out his website and send him a thank you for keeping on and making great music. Hey, he even does guitar lessons and I don’t know what they’re like but if you want to tell him in person to stan Loona and fill out my latest survey (which will only be open for one more week) there’s your chance.

Jung Dakyung – That name, mom

This song sucks but I like Jung Dakyung so I listened to it all and cried along even though I don’t actually know what’s going on because I’m a stupid bitch.

Vanillare – Life Sentence

Definitely a return to form for Vanillare, what a great track. I wonder who plays bass for them live these days.

Cooing – The Milky Way

Why haven’t I heard of this person before. This is decent because it’s actually a little bit punchy, definitely giving vibes from k-pop of ten years ago when stupid shit wasn’t so trendy.

Lil Moshpit – To Go

I feel like some soju.

Green – Trouble

Amazing visual style, and the song isn’t too far behind. It’s defintiely a great week of songs even if they’re coming from places nobody expected.

Pymel – Duffel Bag

Not a bad tune I guess but oh my god, fix that guitar tone.

Yoon Jiyoung – Prayer

I was praying for something to happen but it didn’t. The building blocks of a good song are there but the construction plans aren’t.

G0nny – All Was Well

I would keep the door closed also.

Hyeok Kwon – Progressive Overload

“Progressive overload” aka hypertrophy is actually all about working out specifically to gain muscle and you can find out all about it here if you want, but I’m not sure if this song is the best accompaniment for it. I don’t really feel like lifting when I heard this, I just want to put down the barbell and cry and hand in my gym membership. Mind you Henry Rollins says he likes lifting to ballads, so maybe there’s something in it. Not this ballad though.

Hippie Rimes – I hate it more than anything in the world

Accurate song title of the week.

Ted Park, Parlay Pass – Monday to Sunday

Your regular reminder that a Shure Super 55 is not equally sensitive in all directions, even if you were to paint it red, and that if these people knew anything about microphones, or music, or anything, they would know this.

Chris Guardy feat. Jr.s – Ghost Boss Drippy

Pretty silly but I like the guy who raps at 1:33 just because he sounds like Jimin from AOA’s dream date.

AP Alchemy – No One Likes Us

I guess I’ll have to wait for a translation so I can try to determine who rapped good and probably fail but hip-hop is at it’s best when it’s like this, produced and recorded by complete assholes. All those “nice” and “conscious” rappers can fuck off.

Rockit Girl – Zombie

“Zombie” is well up to usual Rockit Girl standards with heavy metal rocking, Leeseul looking amazing in various outfits and correct Shure Super 55 use. Let’s be honest they’ll probably never top “Little Cat” but then neither will almost everyone else on this planet so I can cut them some slack. 

BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

Sorn – Not A Friend (dance practice)

Sorn looks great and all, but where was all this promotional energy for the far superior “Sharp Objects“? This, I ask you.

2023 ADOR GLOBAL AUDITION – The Real Hype Boys

You know you want to be a k-pop. Do it just so you can be interviewed by me in ten years and tell me all about it. Don’t forget to sign the inevitable NDA in invisible ink.

Mina – Answer The Phone

Released in 2002 and a huge hit in the Philippines, “Answer The Phone” was fairly typical of Korean idol pop at the time. The songs back then were never really modern even for the day, but just old style blues songs or trot songs transposed over a hopelessly dated beat. The synth melody straight out of Doom’s MIDI soundtrack and the sampled pitch-shifting makes this fairly bland song sound way older than it actually is.

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That’s it for the roundup! Remember the latest Kpopalypse survey is still live for this week only, so do it, caonima and have your say on my book, on Nayeon’s bunny teeth, on your favourite JAVs and other important issues affecting the world today! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!