Kpopalypse roundup – new k-pop releases 19/8/2024
It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
LISA feat. Rosalía – New Woman
Definitely a song equally likely to get on the best AND the worst list for 2024, Lisa’s new song is absolutely fantastic until precisely 1:28 where someone decided that we were all having too much fun and had the strange urge to slam the brakes on everything. I couldn’t even fix this song for you, because when I tried to upload my improved version that edited out the momentum-killing garbage section, their scummy record label wouldn’t let me.
They’re definitely heading for the worst list rather than the best list with behaviour like this. Poor Lisa stuck with a trash label that has no idea how the rules of the Internet work, I hope she’s okay.
NMIXX – See That?
This song isn’t amazing or anything but I’m just grateful that all the musical transitions actually work sensibly. Not breaking an established tempo and mood really helps. There’s some other songwriters who could really learn from that this week…
Taemin – Sexy In The Air
This came out a little late to influence the Objectification Survey but maybe people will still remember it in 2025, who knows. I guess Taemin doesn’t need too much help in these things anyway…
KARD – Tell My Mama
You’re about as likely to be telling your mama about this song as that girl in KARD is likely to be telling her mama about how she cheated with Shannon Williams’ ex-boyfriend. Sorry but I can’t even look at this group without thinking about how she did Shannon dirty like that, so I have to mention it as often as possible.
SF9 – Don’t Worry, Be Happy
Mercifully, not the song that you’re thinking it might be, hopefully popular culture has forgotten about that song by now, here’s hoping. It’s not a great deal better though, but in this case I’ll take ordinary averageness over total shit.
KATSEYE – My Way
Another song from this group which isn’t all that bad honestly, but at the end of the day, unless they have an absolute banger that’s impossible to ignore, nobody into k-pop is going to pick listening to Katseye over [insert your bias here].
ARTMS – Unf/Air
Just the usual thing these groups do now. Twinkly and floaty but with no real substance, like the lamingtons I’ve been eating instead of the dinner I should be eating. I guess it’s hard to say no to lamingtons sometimes, but after a while your body craves some actual nutrition.
(G)I-DLE – Neverland
I skipped this for-the-fans crap deliberately last week because it was poop and I’m going to skip it again this week because it’s still poop, let’s have our weekly Asian but not Korean not pop not world music feature here instead, yay! This is just your memo that Li-sa-X (you know, the girl who could play Paul Gilbert songs at age 8 holy fuck) has a band called Koiai which also features Hazuki from Nemophila and it’s just as ridiculous as you would expect.
Mimiirose – The Flower Swayed
This is that group that was famously floated by that trot singer who sold his entire song catalog to pay for their debut or some shit. Finally we’re seeing some ROI here because this is money well spent. Sure it’ll probably flop but with a song this good I’m just glad that it exists at all, binning those 57 shit trot songs was worth it.
DRIPPIN – Weekend
The group with the worst name on Pledis finally have a song that makes me want to do a bit of drippin’ of my own. Oh well, I’m sure they’ll be back to sucking soon enough. It’s weird how some labels just randomly get it right for one song only.
ARrC – S&S (Sour and sweet)
This song is absolutely hilarious, because it’s like whoever wrote the track was like “I’m just going to make the most whacked out noises ever to make the job of the topliner as hard as humanly possible”. You can tell when the melody-writers got hold of it they just fucking scratched their heads and just gave it to an AI or something because they had no fucking idea.
&TEAM – Imprinted (Our Summer Log)
I’m glad &Team finally have a song that kinda sucks so I can get back to feeling fully justified about my hatred for HYBE again, thanks for making my life simple.
ONE OR EIGHT – Don’t Tell Nobody
I’m told this is a “global boy group” in much the same style as the “global girl groups” recently and it’s the same label that does XG. I’m not sure if I should include these or not, the line between the k-pops and the not k-pops is becoming increasingly murky, but this song is bland enough to have me leaning towards “just skip it in future”.
Hui feat. Kwon Eunbi – Easy Dance
Just your reminder that the first part of the 2024 Kpopalypse Objectification Survey that covers both female boobs and male abs/torso was released a couple days ago, and thanks to all you caonimas who nutted up and voted for your faves! I’ll now have a good time reading the fallout on social media, where everyone always drools over the male list while clutching their pearls over the female one, ah – hypocritical tears taste the sweetest! Anyway I’m pretty sure I know who both Hui and Kwon Eunbi would have placed at #1 this year, had they voted (and they probably did).
thủy feat. Chungha – Hair Down (remix)
I don’t know this girl but her not-kpop sounds suspiciously like all the k-pop that’s out there right now. Chungha being on the track is neither here nor there.
LUN8 – Whip
You know that the latest trends in k-pop really are in high-gear when they finally cross gender lines and the boy groups start sounding like girl groups (or vice versa).
LUCY – Villain
I like the rocking nature of it but it’s just not that much of a song, the melody of everything is too rambling. I want to hear a song, not scale practice.
BIG OCEAN feat. Young K – Slow
Another song I left off last week, and I really didn’t think anyone would mind. I mean, they’re deaf, so if they can’t hear it, it’s only fair that you also can’t.
ENHYPEN – Highway 1009
I don’t know who Engene is, but if I was him I’d send this film back.
ONEPACT – Until Now
The keyboard arrangement is the real star of the show here. Someone shut the boys up and let the keyboardist go hard like he was trying to in the intro.
24K+ – Summer Time
More waste of time “special clip” nonsense.
Lee Seunghoon – Brother & Sister
If he came up to the window singing like that, I wouldn’t let him in the club either. Especially if he’s from YG, we all know what the men from there are like. Gotta keep the patrons safe…
Young Harry – It’s Harry
People who care about cars are weird. You don’t see the same weird flexing about clotheslines, do you. Imagine people hanging around with their clothesline holding a wad of cash. Every now and again the camera zooms up on the clothesline brand and model so you can see that it’s a really expensive one. Wow, he must be cool, he’s got the best clothesline. Give us a break with this fucking bullshit.
Kash Bang – Money Killer
And stop with this fucking mumble shit. What happened to rap music, it used to be cool.
Tasty Shop – Summer Symphony
You know, something that I really like about Asian rock bands, is that they helped break down the taboo about women drumming. At one of my old workplaces, the boss hired a female drummer to do some teaching, and all the students left because they were all men who were weak and insecure because a woman could hit the round things better than they could. How pathetic. Weak men who can’t handle women rocking out should be destroyed.
XP ROVXE – God’s Mistake
If god is wondering what his mistake was, I think I found it.
Ash.B ft. Rosy Barbie – G
The girls do this style of loser-hop so much better than the guys that it’s ridiculous. Yes they obviously look better but I’m talking about the music here. Women in rap actually have taste, at least some of the time. It makes a difference.
QWER – Harmony Of Stars
Okay this song is generic asspaper and the orchestral arrangement can’t save it, but more of you should have voted for these girls, goddamn.
RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
tenouttaten – the WORST kpop songs to show to a non-kpop stan
Yeah that’s because they’re bad, and people who aren’t in the deranged mentally ill cult of k-pop fandoms don’t like listening to bad music because they don’t have peer pressure or the allure of “oh, my idol is in it!” to lure them in. It’s called being a music lover who puts music first instead of parasocial fandom bullshit. G-Idle’s “Wife” is conceptually cool but musically pretty empty, most of the other songs suck flat-out, and even the best song here “Catallena” was objectively not Orange Caramel’s best work, sure it made critics gush because of the two seconds of traditional music in there (critics love masturbating over that sort of shit) but they had so many bangers over the course of their career that it was actually on the low side of average for them.
InternetsNathan – What Happened to Orange Caramel – The Weirdest Kpop Group
Speaking of which, what happened to Orange Caramel? Since InternetsNathan kind of dodges around the answer here (“Pledis doesn’t know how to deal with women who become successful” isn’t wrong, but isn’t directly answering the question either) I’ll do the honours. The more specific reason is that “My Copycat” was a relative flop and only performed about a quarter as well all the group’s other big feature songs, for the same amount of investment. Sensing a downward trajectory and feeling that the public might be moving onto newer groups, Pledis were worried about their buzz being gone and were concerned about putting more effort into a female group that might be reaching ‘expiry’, you know, because sexism. When you’re a male group you’re sometimes allowed a flop or two, but with older female groups especially in youth-centric Korea, not so much, it’s seen as a sign of your inevitable decline. It’s a perception that really needs to change and it’s why I haven’t got the heart to put Raina any lower than #20 on my bias list.
Sistar – Touch My Body
People clutching their pearls like absolute FUCK when reading my years-old comments about Sistar, but this song is literally ABOUT their bodies, what am I supposed to do, not talk about them? K-pop fans and their fucking Kool-aid, I swear. The biggest bunch of morons to walk the earth. Sistar for what it’s worth were a lot smarter than their thick-as-dogshit fans, they were in fact pretty good about both acknowledging the reasons for their popularity, and putting their creepy sunbaes back in their box when they went a step too far, and some of their actions around this type of thing actually formed the basis for some of the female camaraderie goings-on in the characters in my books. Better believe that girls do in fact looks after girls in this industry. Exactly how far that goes, and whether it goes up to Halcyon level, well, I’ll leave that up to your imaginations… final book in the series out this coming weekend, by the way. You’re welcome.
That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!
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