Kpopalypse roundup – new k-pop releases 6/5/2024
It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
Hyuna – Q&A
When second-generation idols do this sound, should we call it OldJeans? Anyway, this is pretty decent once the meandering, dull verses stop and the chorus starts, mainly because Hyuna tones the singing down at that point, letting the (quite good) backing track do more of the work.
Solar – But I
Not bad overall and a good example of a change up that actually works, but HOLY FUCK this song is so badly in need of some distortion on the guitar. How did the songwriters and producers even miss something this obvious? It’s like watching those Hitomi Tanaka bukkake films where they constantly zoom up on her face and cut everything else out of the frame. Where’s the commitment to quality, this I ask you.
Solar – Colors
She got it 100% right here though, this is fucking brilliant, giving serious N.O.M vibes. More gay club bangers in k-pop please. This is the Hitomi video done properly where the camera pans out at the right time.
Yuqi feat. Lexie Liu – On Clap
Really awful, and having Lexie Liu there or not makes no difference, it could be anyone doing this generic slop. In an alternate universe, people who aren’t ridiculously brainwashed fans actually listen to music like this.
Yuqi – Red Rover
The first three seconds of Yuqi’s “Red Rover” is better than the whole of her other song this week. Once the Britneyish start is over with it falls off a little but overall she redeemed herself.
BADVILLAIN – Hurricane
A little bit too short to really make an impact, but other than it not being a Viviz comeback, that’s the only thing really wrong with it.
WOOAH – Secret Princess
Remember when “WOOAH” were “Woo!Ah!”? They dumped the exclamation marks out of their name for this comeback, and once you hear it you’ll know why.
YOUNG POSSE – ROTY
It’s kind of like the softer song that you would skip on the Gang Starr album, which still means it’s pretty good because hip-hop has nosedived so far downhill in quality since then that the hip-hop songs you’d consider hard skips in the 90s sound fucking great now. It’s enough to make you pop it like a cheese.
RIIZE – Honestly
Nobody wearing a Ramones shirt has any business sitting down on a stool singing a ballad. Sheena might be a punk rocker but this guy sure isn’t.
Xdinary Heroes – Little Things
Usually in these k-pop “rock” songs by boy-rock idol groups we have guitarists faking playing guitar in songs with no actual guitar in them, but here we have something different – two keyboard players in a song with no keyboard part. It’s not much of a song but at least they turned up the guitar for it.
The KingDom – Flip That Coin
Okay so Kingdom are now “The KingDom”, I guess they’re changing their name slightly to signify “we’re tired of dressing in sexy hanboks to making Kpopalypse question his sexuality, we’re going to just look like straight boys now”. As you would expect from any group pandering to the straights, the results aren’t that interesting.
E’LAST – Gasoline
It’s neat how this song has a video intro with some other song of theirs that you’d much rather be listening to instead. It’s a good reminder that they don’t always suck like this.
Fantasy Boys – Pitter-Patter Love
It’s nice and all but I was looking hard for Kim Garam style chalk art and I didn’t see any, no young person with the world at their feet draws anything but penises on chalkboards, come on.
TOZ – Nu Shoes
Sportball. Not even once.
QWER – Conquer the Earth/Fireworks
QWER with the quarter of an hour long drama wankfest videos, bringing me back to the days of T-ara drama video domination. I haven’t had time to check out what the fuck is happening in the story but I think my bias in the group is Chodan because she always has this vibe like she’s not really present and thinking about what she’s actually doing because she’s too busy daydreaming about scratching someone’s face just for fun and that’s the kind of quality I admire in a woman.
Younite – Geekin’
Okay, so “geekin'” is a word now, that means… something to do with boxing, maybe? Fuck knows what’s going on here but the lyrics are shockingly bad, where’s the XG girls when you need them.
XG – Trampoline
Oh, here they are. Actually this group song is actually less impressive than all their recent solo tracks, because it’s just a bit too generic with the beats. Oh well, I’d still rather listen to this than some guy rhyming “beat” with “808”.
EASTSHINE – Heartthrob
Eh. Nothing of mine was throbbing over this. Now that Kingdom have decided to not be Kingdom anymore, there’s an opening, gents.
LA POEM – Rose
Well if you’re going to do shit R&B you might as well be able to sing first. Rappers take note.
Catch The Young – The Legend
Still rocking that stupid ugly overpriced Gibson reverse firebird bass (and slapping on it too, one hell of a handicap to deal with), but the song is actually really good this time, hope the bass player uses the money from it to get himself a real instrument.
Kino feat. Lay Banks – Broke My Heart
Yeah this is awful. Lay Banks doesn’t help, or hurt, there was just no saving this one.
Kino – Valentine
His other song that probably should have had a bit more effort put into it, clearly didn’t.
Doh Kyung Soo – Popcorn
The problem with so many second-generation boy groups being at the tail end of their useful life these days is the splintering into so many worthless solo projects. There’s an absolute flood of “guy who used to be in an idol group with a solo song” entries in roundup every week now and they’re almost all universally boring as fuck…
Wooseok – Navy Blue
…to the point where I’ve just been skipping them. I skipped this one when it came out and people have been asking for it since. Why do they want this? I don’t know. Your ex-idol bias is just uninteresting to me, sorry….
Doyoung – Beginning
…so instead of reviewing this poop, the weekly Asian-but-not-Korean not-pop not-world-music feature can go here. Let’s explore some OST music that unlike shit Korean OST music is actually good. My favourite film from Wong Kar-Wai is Fallen Angels, the plot of which is too convoluted to convey here but I guess can be summaried as “weird shit happens in Hong Kong and people die”, and it has a great soundtrack. This song here is the most random collab ever, a soundalike of Massive Attack’s “Karmacoma” that was made because the director actually wanted to use “Karmacoma” for his movie but knew he couldn’t afford the rights. This song has rewritten lyrics sung in Malagasy (the language of Madagascar – hey you probably learned something new this roundup) and was produced by Roel A. Garcia and film director (but NOT the director of this film) Frankie Chan. The goddamn thing is great, shits all over the (already very good) original and even won an award, one of the rare times that awards actually acknowledge something decent.
Haroo – Mastermind
Haroo is a virtual singer apparently, so forgive me if I only give a virtual fuck.
Chunseo, Nicole, Johnny, Pianwoo – Road
The final song from the KAACHI members apparently, and all you need to know about it is that it’s a cover of a shit G.O.D song that also sucks, and they do an Abbey Road thing in the video which is always a sign of super low quality. They did more than one of these shit remakes apparently but nobody gives a fuck about G.O.D so I just removed them from here.
Moon Sujin ft. Jay Park – Baby PLZ
Baby PLZ where’s my girlfriend’s bottle of soju. Jay you promised. Or maybe you didn’t, I don’t care, give me one anyway.
Chu Hyuk Jin – Grateful Love
Somewhere between typical trot styles and the 80s synthwave sound, not sure if this really works that well, but it’s a blend these trot singers should pursue more at least until someone gets it right.
DPR CREAM – Darling
Imagine introducing yourself as “DPR Cream”. “Hi, I’m DPR Cream.” You’re not getting taken too seriously from that point on by anybody are you. This guy has probably been slapped in the face a bunch of times and it might not even be his fault.
Seo Eve – Malathanghulu
Ahahahaha it’s great! The comments section is full of people facepalming over the dorkiness of it, or saying “why the fuck is this going viral” as if the appeal isn’t completely obvious. This will get stuck in your head very quickly whether you like it or not, play at your peril.
Dbo – Love Each Other
Is Dbo, veteran of the Kpopalypse worst lists, actually getting good? I fear so if this is any indication. Also, working hard for those objectification survey points I see. Dbo being actually quite listenable is weirding me out so I’m going to stop roundup here for mental health.
RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
Kpopalypse presents Try Not To Have Gay Sex With Yves 6: Return Of The Chuu – teaser 23 of 62982
It’s coming soon, releasing in Pride Month 2024! Get ready to not have gay sex with Yves once again!
South Korea’s population crisis: why is nobody getting married or having babies?
Summary: because only rich cunts can afford it and have time for it. Like, no shit. Who the fuck except rich cunts can afford to have a kid? This video is actually a pretty comprehensive look at the “problem” of low birthrate in Korea and all the many and varied reasons why it’s a thing. I like in particular how she addresses the gender war, but also says that it’s exaggerated as a cause for low birthrate in the media and on social media, which definitely rings true because people talk acres of shit on social media as ‘venting’ or ’emotional maintenance’ or ‘vanity’ or whatever but in person they wouldn’t say boo. Oh well, I’m sure Chodan will eventually help. Come on Chodan, fertilise those eggs for Korea, we believe in you.
BTS – Boy In Luv
There’s basically three eras of BTS, their current “selling out for the Amero pop charts even though they said they never would write songs in English” phase, their “too artsy, too intellectual” phase before that where they were supposedly singing about the meaning of life and the universe or some bullcrap but it was all just obvious metaphors for how they can barely tolerate their own psychotic cyberbullying doxxing fandom (watch their fans latch onto this review and prove me right) and their debut nugu vaguely misogynist B.A.P-clone era where they actually had some pretty good music. I’d actually like to see a return to this early sound from them and I think a lot of their veteran fans who haven’t drunken the Kool-aid would agree.
That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!
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