Kpopalypse roundup – new k-pop releases 19/2/2024
It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
LE SSERAFIM – Easy
Too easy for its own good. The image is bold and right in your face, but the song is somewhere way in the background, barely even registering.
LE SSERAFIM – Good Bones
If only “Easy” was more like this. It’s worth mentioning that Le Sserafim’s “album teaser” actually isn’t – it’s a whole-ass video for the entire first song on their album, thanks to my readers for picking up on this. Where I do make an exception with the k-pop albums being shit rule is that a lot of k-pop albums have very good opening tracks, but they’re usually so short that they barely make the grade as songs at all (and wouldn’t get in roundup either just for being too damn short so don’t go suggesting any for future roundups unless they crack the two minute mark AND have full videos tysm). Your average k-pop album goes like this: killer opening track that is so minimal that it’s barely even a song really / the big hit song you already know / the follow up song that wasn’t as popular / some other shit song that got rejected for feature track status but hey here it is because we already commissioned it so what the fuck else are we going to do with it / generic filler ballads for the entire rest of the album. In Le Sserafim’s case, this has got a riff and a few chants and slogans but it all just sort of goes nowhere specific enough to be interesting, much like the girls themselves in the video. A killer hook could have (maybe) made this song of the year.
IU – Holssi
IU weirdly looks like Hyuna here, but even more weirdly, she sounds like Hyuna but it’s Hyuna at half-speed for some weird reason. This will be nobody’s favourite IU track and you’ll forget how it sounds by next week. Plus the video is some fucking acid trip probably-AI-bullshit nightmare, extra reason to pretend it didn’t even happen.
(G)-IDLE – Revenge
G-Idle’s rock just needs to be a little more rock to rock my fucking rocks, but it’s still not bad and at least it comes with a cool video so it’s a net positive.
BIBI – Bam Yang Gang
I’m not sure who is writing songs for Bibi these days and what it is they think they’re doing here.
CHUU – Chocolate
Another very obvious inspired-by-Cupid song, of which there’s been several over the last six months. People always try to deny it each time one of these songs appears and I point this out, because to deluded k-pop fan idiots “similarity” = “plagiarism” = “how dare you say that about my bias”, but this sort of mid-tempo melodic cruisy groove was literally nowhere to be seen in k-pop until Cupid blew up. Anyway, I’ve heard worse trends, so I’ll definitely give a second chance to Chuupid.
TEN – Nightwalker
If this song didn’t drop the beat out in the pre-chorus it would have been fantastic. Note to k-pop songwriters, not EVERY K-POP SONG EVER needs the beat to vanish in the pre-chorus. If the Cupid trend does anything good in k-pop hopefully it will make people realise this.
TWS – BFF
Best friends forever, hey. I guess it’s probably a good thing for fans to not get their hopes up. If more groups managed expectations like this, it would probably be a better world.
The Wind – H! TEEN
The main problem with “early Gfriend but boys actually” is that they’re not Gfriend, which is definitely a problem but not really one they can realistically do anything about, so I’ll go easy on them and tell you that this isn’t bad actually.
n.SSign – Happy &
If you’re wondering why roundup is late this week it’s because I started watching this and then got sidetracked for an hour into just doing other random shit because I was bored.
AIMERS – Somebody
Elevating groups onto helipads probably isn’t a bad idea given some of the occupational hazards that k-pop performers have to deal with these days.
Cha Eunwoo – Stay
Hey Eunwoo, Coldplay want their song back.
MIRAE – Running Up
It’s sad times when all a pop song has to do to get over the line in roundup is have a beat like an actual pop song.
LUN8 – Pastel
Just like actual pastel, it doesn’t really make much of an impression.
WEi – Fake Love
I wasn’t sure whether to review WEi or not because people always have that fucking BORING “is it really k-pop” debate and snooooooore nobody cares, get a life cunts. Anyway so this week’s Asian but non-Korean non-pop non-world-music pick can go here instead and it’s black metal band Impiety from Singapore. This group have been around forever and they go harder than most of your metal faves, plus they’re just as heavy now as they were when they started out. The song above is actually fairly accessible and mellow by their standards (if you want even heavier try this) but it’s all good baby.
INI – Legit
We need to ban the phrase “no cap” in Korean pop. Someone hijack a bus or something and threaten to blow someone’s cap off their head with a shotgun each time the words “no cap” appears in a k-pop comeback. Mind you Americans read my shit and half of them would actually probably do something like that, so maybe just forget I said this.
ALL(H)OURS – WAO WAO
A pretty good backing track here and that’s one sweet riff, but nobody really knew what to do with it.
DK – Groovin’
Nigel Tufnel has ruined “ribcage shirts” for everyone, surely. Anyway someone here definitely forgot to turn it up to eleven.
Lim Hyunsuk – La Mar
Another guy with an attack of the Coldplays. They tried to drown him in a lake but he just won’t stop singing!
Vanillare – Alive
This electronic-infused shit really isn’t Vanillare’s forte, is it.
PARKMOONCHI feat. CHS – Dr. Happiness
Everyone looks like they’re having fun but I just feel like I’m not invited.
1999 WRITE THE FUTURE, Tiger JK, Yoon Mirae – Voodoo Boogie
This one is mainly notable for Yoon Mirae, who is great when she actually plays to her strengths for fucking once.
Sohyang feat. YDG – Blessing
Empty-ass Christian claptrap with some vocal showing-off on top to try and sell it to k-pop’s vocal-obsessed crowd (which will probably work, because they’re that dumb). “But she can sing good” – that’s like saying the person who shat themselves at Hanteo was wearing a nice tracksuit that day. It might not be a lie, but if we have to smell you, it doesn’t matter.
Mitty – I’m not good at
Accurate song title of the week. Anyway let’s leave it there.
RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
Tyga, Doja Cat – Freaky Deaky (Cover by KISS OF LIFE)
Just putting this here for no reason other than enjoying some good wholesome dance routines. Careful though girls, don’t get too confident miming those Doja Cat songs, we all know where that leads.
Pink Dose Daily – 240218 idols traumatised as someone pooped in the VIP zone at Hanteo Music Awards 2024
If it was me I wouldn’t have apologised, I mean what good is an apology at that point? Everyone still had to smell it. Maybe they were just making a statement about the music quality.
After School – Diva
With the braindead beat and hard Autotune on everything, a lot of the lesser golden age pop has weird Brokencyde vibes. It’s better than that of course, but I wouldn’t say it’s exactly great either, pre-Raina After School is kind of like Genesis before the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Nobody listens to that early stuff.
That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!
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