Kpopalypse roundup – new k-pop releases 5/2/24
It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
TWICE – I Got You
Definitely the best Twice song in quite some time, even if the chorus vocals get a bit shrill with the pitch correction and general highness. It’s just as well that they don’t really sing because if they did their voices would sure be getting thrashed by being pushed right to the top of most of their vocal ranges all the time. Also nice to see that they did Jeongyeon dirty again ahem NOT, come on she’s the most attractive member by a mile, stylists stop sucking the wrinkled flaccid dick of Korea’s shit beauty standards and get your shit together.
BABYMONSTER – Stuck In The Middle
Hey Babymonster’s hotly-anticipated first song was a bit of a letdown so you just know that with their follow-up they’ll come screaming out of the gate with a really kick-ass number, I mean if any group has something to prove right now it’s them, so there’s no way they would just waste the opportunity by throwing out some generic ballad or whatever… oh wait, never mind, forget I said anything. Third time’s a charm, I guess.
APOKI feat. Kotaro Oshio – Winter Blossom
And here’s the same thing but this time catered to the yordle puss-smashers and yes I’ll keep mentioning it because that’s all I can think about whenever I see Apoki now, thanks anime weeb Twitter for corrupting my pure innocent heart I guess.
YOUNG POSSE feat. Verbal Jint, NSW Yoon, Token – YOUNG POSSE UP
Well it’s not exactly popping like a cheese but it’s got a little more life in it than their thuddingly empty debut so it’s definitely an improvement. If the chorus didn’t have the same vocal meter as Soulja Boy and the worthless guests fucked off I’d probably even maybe like this. If nothing else I have to thank them for the meme value alone, I’m always looking for new things to add to the Lexicon. There’s no snobby in-joke gatekeeping in this house, certain corners of the k-pop online space take note.
SUPER JUNIOR L.S.S – C’Mon
It’s clear that they’re not taking the song seriously, so I won’t either. All you need to know about this is that Shindong, Siwon and Leeteuk in bedazzled red leather jackets is a thing that exists. Homophobic christian my ass, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything more LGBT-friendly outside of Super Junior’s sweat-drenched topless skinship-friendly live stages.
VANNER – Jackpot
There’s enough guns in this video for about 50 nugu alert headers. “But what about the song” FUCK the song, dipshit, let’s talk about Nugu Alert. Kpopalypse Nugu Alert has been going for over a decade, the longest running nugu series in English-language k-pop writing history, bringing you nugus every few months and YES the series will be returning in 2024 because all the other people on the Internet who feature nugus quickly realise that there’s no clicks in it so they inevitably expand the definition of “nugu” to the point where they’re including your faves, which defeats the purpose – if it’s already your fave, a Nugu Alert isn’t required. Someone has to stand up for the artists who really need it. By the way, that western usage of “nugu” (literally “who” in Korean) as a positive term to describe lesser known groups – Kpopalypse started that, it was purely an insult in international circles before I got hold of it. You’re welcome, thank me in your own time.
P1Harmony – Killin’ It
Killing what exactly? The little that remains of my love of music after writing about k-pop for a decade, perhaps.
EPEX – Graduation Day
Academic standards are sure getting sloppy, if this is the best they can do I think these boys need to repeat a year.
KISS OF LIFE – Gentleman
Four of the supposedly best new singers in k-pop and none of them know how to hold a fucking microphone. Pathetic, Leeseul outsold.
KISS OF LIFE – Says It
99% parasocical marketing, 1% music, and that’s being generous.
Cignature – Little Me
More microphone fails. The entire reason why that microphone is on a stand is so you don’t have to hold it and fuck up the mix with your stupid fingers rubbing against the microphone body. Just as well you’re pretending, hey.
A SIX – Lies all Love
You can tell it’s MBK, their ballad style can be heard a mile away. T-ara did it better but it’s still nice to have a throwback occasionally.
BOY STORY – Alpha
Being an ‘alpha male’ basically just means you’re a bigoted violent moron ruled by your own shitty ego to the point where you can be easily manipulated by compliments. (Thanks Deus Ex Human Revolution for teaching me that.) However there’s nothing here worth manipulating so I’m all clear to tell you that this song sucks.
Yena – DNA
Korean singer Yena does a Japanese rock thing and unfortunately it’s a little too catered to the Japanese market and just sums up why a lot of Japanese rock is so unadventurous and dreary. The image and costumes are great but I would have swapped it out for op-shop clothes and better music.
AB6IX – ILY (I LOVE YOU)
Japan is great sometimes though. You know how I said AB6IX have been quite good lately? Well they broke the run of good songs with some bullshit song that they shouldn’t have even made a video for, so let’s have this week’s non-Korean non-pop non-world-music-wank music feature instead! This week it’s “avant garde” jazz group Naked City featuring saxophonist John Zorn and the fantastic Yamatsuka Eye (from Japanese weird psych-noise-whatever-rock group The Boredoms) on vocals. He’s pretty good in The Boredoms, but that group’s epic walls of noise drag on a bit too long for my short attention span – he’s much better here in Naked City’s tighter musical format, screaming his ass off and being way ahead of his time, foreshadowing today’s trendy pig-squeal deathcore breakdowns by a good three decades. I don’t know what’s the best thing about this live footage, the ultra-polite jazz-audience reaction, the fact that John Zorn can’t stop laughing whenever Yamatsuka Eye does anything at all, or the fact that this cacophony while sounding completely random as fuck is actually mostly note-for-note the same as what’s on the studio record. Personal favourite here is their new version of “Speedfreaks” (from 1:26) which chops and changes music styles at the rate of about one genre per second – try changing up that fast, NMIXX!
DXMON – N.W.B
He’s stuck with that hair now, isn’t he. If this group actually last as long as an A-list group you’ll get to see him still wearing those spikes in 20 years, not that that’s likely if the songs remain this poo. But just imagine Super Junior S.S.L with this hair. Don’t laugh it’ll probably happen soon.
WAKER – Dash
The standing fluro tubes steal the show here.
2AM – Echoes of Love’s Journey
And here too, standing fluro tubes aren’t just for nugus.
Ferry Blue – Everything Is You
Ferry Blue are one of those groups that you just look at and shake your head and feel sorry for the girls and how they got dragged into this mess. I’m sure they consider their life choices often. I bet they get phone calls from their parents every other week: “are you still doing that idol thing, dear? When are you coming home?”
Beomhan – Me Myself & I
A song apparently so bad that Beomhan himself apologised for its existence, it’s actually not the worst song ever if you take away the overly forward, roughly delivered vocals. Various remixes of this song exist that add compression or effects to the vocals but none of that is really saving it, what the track really needed was a more subtle, rhythmically in-the-pocket vocal approach, or at least some quanitsation. Someone like Haee or Summer Soul doing this song would have smashed it out of the park… well okay maybe not, but it would probably have sucked about 7.2% less, and with the hot competition for utter crap in k-pop so far this year, 7.2% is potentially worth a few worst list places.
Taylor McIntosh & Uhyun – Friends In Love
Taylor McIntosh is the latest westerner to self-consciously straddle the line between k-pop and not, and you know he’s passionate about the music, because it couldn’t possibly be for the money given how doomed to failure this obviously is. He’s gone the Chad Future route here by leasing a k-pop singer for a romantic duet that has all the awkward non-chemistry of Emilio Estevez and Renee Russo’s pairing in Freejack (a film you don’t want to ever see, so don’t, just take my word for it). To be fair that’s exactly what I’d do if I was in his shoes, but a better song would have been nice.
DPR ARTIC feat. DPR IAN – Do or Die
I’m liking DPR IAN’s more moody direction lately. Maybe it’s because it’s matching my dour mood of having to trudge through roundup each week, but hey it’s working for me, so I calmly accept.
Changmo – Heliot Emil
What poo. Also imagine promoting jewelry, what a scam.
Kim Minseok – Eternal Sunshine
Celtic Frost have a song called “Eternal Summer” and they sing about it like it’s a bad thing. I was confused by that when I first heard it, but after hearing Kim Minseok, I understand. I should have heeded the warning.
Seori – Broken
I didn’t hate this ballad because both the vocal and instrumental style were a bit different. Now I’ve just got to get past how Seori’s aegyo sal looks like she’s been sparring in one of those “does BJJ really work when you can just punch someone in the head” videos.
YUL2(율) – Obsession
Can’t say I like the song much but I actually had to change the volume level on this song while I was listening to it, that’s an unusual thing to have to do in Korean ballads where everything is compressed to within a nanometer. There’s something to be said for not having everything at fucking digital zero all the time.
John Kim – Nerdy Boy
As someone who was a nerdy boy I definitely do not feel represented here. Where’s the gross acne, depression, constant bullying and repressed hormonal confusion, I ask you.
Boramiyu – HeeJae
Not the best song in the world, but they put so much effort into Boramiyu’s styling here that I feel like I should include it just so the stylist can put “was in Kpopalypse roundup and Kpopalypse didn’t shit on it” on their resume. Videos aren’t going to look better than this this week so let’s end roundup here.
RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
yebinade – Frequently used locations in k-pop MV
I’m glad these videos of popular k-pop MV locations exist so I don’t have to make a long-ass post because that would be a lot of work and this person knows more than I do about most of the locations anyway so why not just watch these videos? Good job, yebinade!
Yoshiki and some k-pop noobs – Endless Rain
“Endless Rain” is definitely one of the best rock power ballads of all time, perhaps the best one to ever exist. Listening to this cut-down version is just depressing. It’s performed well enough by everyone involved but the entire premise rips all the meaningful context out of the original, moments like the acapella crowd singalong just don’t work when the crowd is literally being forced to participate. It’s not the fault of any one performer here, they all do a fine job – it’s just creative direction gone wrong. Rock music and nannying the audience into compliance just don’t go together effectively. This really made me want to listen to the amazing X Japan live versions some more and forget that this shallow remake exists.
Black Pearl – Gogossing
Black Pearl were an old MBK/CCM (now Pocketdol) group that started in 2007 and quickly vanished into irrelevance probably because their label couldn’t be fucked promoting them once their then-junior group T-ara started smashing sales records. The person who suggested this song correctly pointed out that “Gogossing” has some serious “Wonder Boy” vibes with the big anthemic gang vocal chorus, key changes and even similar vocal meter and orchestration, but of course “Wonder Boy” did a much better job of the same type of thing. It’s still reasonable enough and I’d love to see this type of sound make a comeback, not that it was even all that popular to begin with as there’s hardly any examples of it in k-pop.
That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!
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