The Kpopalypse 2023 bias list
It’s time to update the Kpopalypse bias list for 2023! Let’s take a look at who Kpopalypse is biasing this year!
Regular Kpopalypse readers have all probably either participated in or at the very least read the results of the objectification surveys – but I do not participate in those myself other than to count your votes and write about them, so they are not reflective of the opinion of Kpopalypse, but the reader base (and wherever the reader base deems to spread the voting questions). However, the Kpopalypse bias list is 100% all about my opinion and nothing else. Note that this is a list of pure “meeting required standards” only, and therefore is roughly analogous to the “most attractive” segment of the objectification survey, although aspects other than raw physical appearance do play a factor, because attractiveness isn’t just about appearance, after all.
Know that the Kpopalypse bias list is always in a state of flux and receives consistent updates, as new people become a k-pop and are thus eligible, while others stop being a k-pop and are therefore no longer eligible. Furthermore, k-poppers may come to the attention of myself through various activities, and others who have been less active may begin to be prioritised lower as they cease to provide “material”. Let’s now check out 2023’s Kpopalypse bias list!
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THE KPOPALYPSE 2023 BIAS LIST
#1 – SUHYUN – AKMU
I’m sorry that this list is appearing a little later than usual this year, but I had to wait for “Love Lee” to come out before finalising this list just to check if Suhyun had messed herself up horribly somehow but no. Still no surgery, still no evidence of her being anything other than a self-confident winner, Suhyun gets my vote for 2023. There’s also signs that her dress sense is improving. Here she dresses like a bee, and a cupid, and a sports player. Two out of three ain’t bad.
#2 – YUA MIKAMI – HONEY POPCORN
Can Yua Mikami really still be considered a k-pop, given that the last Honey Popcorn comeback was in 1863 and she’s barely dropped much more than a dance practice video on us since? Probably not, but I’m going to include her in this list anyway, and there’s a good reason. You see, Yua Mikami quit the world of drama productions on her 30th birthday, which was just recently. While a sad occasion for many, she also deliberately featured in a crapload of very high quality drama productions in the lead-up to that date, definitely some of her best ever work has been this stuff. Now of course she didn’t need to do this, already being a rich megastar in Japan with her own fashion label, but she did anyway, just to be thoughtful and please degenerate perverts like me. Kindness and generosity are personal qualities that go a long way in these lists.
#3 – EUNHA –VIVIZ
Viviz have been a bit of a letdown musically, not quite managing to reach the heights of Gfriend in terms of song quality, but they certainly haven’t been a letdown in the visual department. The heart shaped fringe in this video here is a nice touch, it lends Eunha a bit of a succubus vibe which is pretty cool and probably accurate given the sort of concepts she prefers. Yes that’s a compliment. My partner has a high forehead too and so I’m digging this high forehead style, anything that reminds me of my partner is a big plus.
#4 – UMJI – VIVIZ
Check out Umji’s sexy 5D chess brain. Is there anything she can’t do? She probably anticipated me writing about her in this post right now and is already planning more big brain moves to enhance her career, like dropping anonymous questions into me asking for more positive Viviz reviews in exchange for Patreon donations consisting of money she stole from that other guy’s bag. Do it, Umji, and I’ll put you above Eunha next year.
#5 – MOKO SAKURA – HONEY POPCORN
Yua’s groupmate Moko Sakura on the other hand gets in here because she didn’t retire from making dramas, and she’s not going to be quitting on her 30th birthday either because her 30th birthday has already happened. She’s been doing well lately with lots of great performances and you can expect a recap on that in another post in the future. She’s been putting in lots of acting effort and I think effort is very important for these lists, although I probably won’t put her or Yua in here next year given all the j-pop crap they’ve been churning out while Honey Popcorn’s legacy collects dust. Anyway look at her being all fooled by Eimi Fukada into thinking that a stick of butter was “butter ice cream”, she’s so adorable and innocent uwu
#6 – SWAN – PURPLE KISS
There needs to be larger-framed girls in a style that’s so visually homogenous, and of course Swan cops shit for that, because k-pop is a world where we can’t have nice things like plus-sized women running around being happy with their bodies, so I have to redress the balance and put her in here. Also I like stanning Swan just to horrify the dumb-as-shit pearl-clutchers who complain that I’m stanning Swan, sucks to be you.
#7 – SORN
I’m supporting Sorn a lot this year because I’ve noticed that 90% of her short-form video content is just her complaining over and over about how she sucks at relationships, so if I put her in this list and mention that she’s quite attractive, perhaps it might help her out a little in that department. With Kpopalypse as her wingman, she can’t fail! Potential suitors out there make sure you treat my girl Sorn with respect, I don’t want to hear anything about you standing her up at the dinner date or leaving her on read, or I’ll write nasty reviews about your bias in Kpopalypse roundup and then you’ll be sorry.
#8 – LEESEUL – ROCKIT GIRL
Leeseul gets in this list because when I saw Rockit Girl’s “Resistance” video, I complained to her, like I usually do whenever I see anyone do this, that the Shure Super 55 microphone was being used incorrectly. However unlike everyone else that I’ve said this to, Leeseul actually listened and took action – for her next video “Crazy Love” plus all future ones, the issue was fixed! Being able to listen and take on board constructive feedback is a very attractive quality in a person, that’s why Leeseul is in this list and current SM Entertainment artists are not.
#9 – EUNJUNG – T-ARA
A full decade after certain hateful websites under Kpopalypse boycott wrote Eunjung off as over, she’s still out there doing stuff and signing the things. Eunjung will always be relevant to Kpopalypse as long as she continues to remain a k-pop, and probably after this also, because it’s good to get that reminder that k-pop fans love believing in lies and bullshit and will crucify anyone at the drop of a hat with no evidence to speak of.
#10 – IU
Look at this video and how at 3:06 she changes her outfit colour with the wave of an arm. That’s the kind of skills that you need in life. It would certainly make going out easier, as well as changing your outfit after it got messy stains on it. I’m sure IU wouldn’t know anything about that.
#11 – ADORA
Adora is super cute and she has this weird lip thing going on that I can’t quite explain. Every idol needs a weird lip thing. Also she has the most adorable TikTok content ever and that’s saying a lot because we all know that TikTok is only for Kpopalypse review reposts and genocidal maniacs who love rape, torture and ethnic cleansing. Interestingly, Adora has been completely silent on social media over these last two months so here’s hoping she’s still alive and preparing for a totally awesome comeback that will propel her even higher in this list.
#12 – DAMI – DREAMCATCHER
Dami recently out-Moonbyuled Moonbyul with this super cool song and her styling in it is just perfect, capturing exactly what’s different and cool about her look in the best possible light. Also, the fact that the other Dreamcatcher members have been doing solo projects that are mainly soft as shite but Dami’s was harder-rocking than half of the actual Dreamcatcher feature tracks indicates to me that she might be one of the forces that is propelling the group in a metal direction. Any heavy metal tendencies obviously get her bias points by default, hopefully she gets in touch one of these days, I look forward to having someone in the k-pop world I can argue about the relative merits of Celtic Frost and Bathory albums with.
#13 – JENNIE – BLACKPINK
Jennie has been dating some guy lately from some group and here they are going for a romantic stroll by the river, probably looking down at the pavers beneath their feet and talking about how they could do a much better job. I hope whatshisname treats my ex right, I mean sure it didn’t work out between us but hey that’s just the way it goes sometimes, she’s still a nice girl who deserves happiness.
#14 – DAHYUN – TWICE
Watching Dahyun do literally anything all is like that one time in high school when it’s the end of the final year and everyone is taking pictures of each other so they can remember school days for the last time and you see your secret high school crush who doesn’t know you like her or maybe she does but you’re too shy to say anything about it so it hardly matters and she’s looking more amazing than ever because it’s the last day so she’s made the effort to get dressed up and you think that this could actually be the last time you ever see her because who knows what is going to happen after high school but you don’t have a camera because your family is poor so you borrow someone else’s camera and ask to take a picture of her and she says okay and smiles really wide and you take it and it’s so awesome and the best picture ever and you make the guy you borrowed the camera off promise to give you the picture later when he develops it and he says okay but then he never does and then a few months later you catch up with the guy at a party and say ‘what about that picture’ and he says ‘what picture’ and you say ‘the one I took of that girl that you promised you would give me’ and he says ‘I think I have it somewhere I’ll give it to you later’ and you hang around that party all night waiting for him to give you the picture and he never does and you remind him about it before you leave and he acts all weird and evasive about it so you give it up and leave empty handed and you know that it’s probably because the picture is so awesome that he just kept it for himself because why wouldn’t he because it was so great but you know that at least she smiled at you when you took that photo and you can still remember what that smile looks like today and maybe she really liked you a lot but then maybe not and it’s all just in your head but it doesn’t matter because you’ll never see her again anyway but you do know that she sure seemed really happy about getting her photo taken by you and it just seems worth it somehow.
#15 – YOYOMI
Yoyomi might not be the prettiest girl, but she certainly acts like the prettiest girl, and that kind of makes her the prettiest girl. In performance, confidence is nine tenths of the law.
#16 – JVCKI WAI
Listen to Jvcki Wai break down the meaning of her own lyrics, she is fucking smart as shit. Also, she’s really short, I know this because she says so in her lyrics. Short is cute, because my partner is also short. Okay, that’s not a great reason to put her here, but the her being smart thing definitely is, she’s like Umji if she was a rapper.
#17 – VIVI – LOOSSEMBLE
Like all of her other content, this video is too short, but it’s still probably more content than all of her lines in Loona songs put together. I always wondered what she actually looked like and now I know.
#18 – CHUU
Look at her agency trying to coax a more ‘serious’ Chuu look out of Chuu, and Chuu herself just continually botching it by grinning like the nutter she is every two seconds. This is exactly what every girl I’ve ever been out with my entire life has been like when doing anything at all.
#19 – RACHEL KIM
How much is my own book writing inspired by Rachel Kim? Credit where it’s due – a fucking lot. If you want a fun project, flip open the first few pages of the Jessica books and play spot the similarity. Thanks to Rachel for inspiring me to write purely fictional novels about fictional k-pop groups that defintiely didn’t exist.
#20 – RAINA
Raina hasn’t posted anything at all, or done anything at all, not even a pyjama video, in the entire last 12 months, but I’m putting her here anyway because as the #1 original bias I have to keep her here, it’s like a contractual obligation. So here’s an older video from back when she was actually doing things.
That’s all for this post! The Kpopalypse bias list will be updated in another 12 months!
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