Kpopalypse’s cross-cultural help post for non-Australian Korean pop idols who might have to deal with those wankers from Stray Kids, or any other Australian dickheads
It’s Kpopalypse here, the expert on all things Australian, to help you people who are struggling to relate to Australian k-pop idols! All of your important information about Australia is right here!
Fig.1 a couple of cunts
It came to my attention recently that Bang Chan had an issue with not receiving the appropriate amount of respect from junior members of an unnamed Korean pop group.
Apparently sneaky caonimas were able to narrow down the event he’s complaining about to the one below, and the other group involved as IVE. The following video will show you the incident that Bang Chan may or may not be referring to, and what happened.
A lot people are chiming in about this issue, saying that Bang Chan had a right to expect basic Korean-style courtesy. What these commenters don’t seem to understand is that Bang Chan is actually Australian, so it’s probably the Australian courtesy that he’s actually missing out on. IVE didn’t say “g’day, cunt”, or even offer him a Bunnings sausage sizzle. Of course that’s not IVE’s fault, they’re probably not used to dealing with a boofhead like Bang Chan, so they don’t know the cultural norms that come into play when dealing with Australians. Instead of being critical, we should take the opportunity to educate them, so this post is to help IVE, all the other Korean pop idols plus all those readers from other countries that are not Australia (which is about 96% of you according to recent calculations) to help you understand Australian culture better. Let’s go with some Australian trufax, Kpopalypse style!
BASIC FACTS ABOUT AUSTRALIA
Australia is a rather large island, situated on the south part of the globe where the seasons are upside-down and few k-pop groups dare to tour. It is surrounded by water.
Fig.2 picture of Australia for dumb cunts who can’t use Google maps
You’ll notice that about 90% of the country is desert. Not many people live in those parts. People mainly live in the green parts. This is worth knowing if you ever want to come here, because there are lots of things that can kill you, especially in the non-green parts. Although they can also kill you in the green parts.
States of Australia, from highest population to lowest, are:
New South Wales (NSW) – contains the largest capital city, Sydney. Very expensive to live here. Lots of rich cunts.
Victoria (VIC) – contains the other very large capital city, Melbourne. When k-pop groups tour Australia they tend to only go to Sydney and Melbourne.
Queensland (QLD) – the most tropical part of Australia. Capital city is Brisbane. Also contains the most rednecks.
Western Australia (WA) – the largest state of Australia, lots of desert. Capital city is Perth.
South Australia (SA) – full of cunts. Also lots of desert. Capital city is Adelaide. This is of course where Kpopalypse lives.
Tasmania (TAS) – small island to the south of the mainland of Australia. Sucks for seeing music as almost no bands go here. Capital city is Hobart. Known for having very backwards laws, homosexuality was only very recently decriminalised here.
Australian Capital Territory (ACT) – a small state inside New South Wales, contains the Australian capital, Canberra. Where all the politician cunts hang out. A lot of things are legal here that aren’t legal in other parts of the country (x-rated porn, prostitution and marijuana all have very light regulation in this state) because Australian politicians are all cunts who love to have lenient rules for themselves and harsh rules for everyone else.
Northern Territory (NT) – lots of desert, very low population. Capital city is Darwin.
THINGS THAT CAN KILL YOU IN AUSTRALIA – IN THE WATER
Jellyfish that specifically kill white people
More sharks that go into shallow water because why not that’s where the food is
Look at this cutie uwu it is the size of a golf ball and has enough venom to kill 26 humans
A venomous fish which pretends to be a rock so you die when you step on it LOL
This is probably why we don’t get a lot of k-pop touring here, any group coming here has to fly over the water to get here and if you can’t make it over the water you’re basically fucked.
THINGS THAT CAN KILL YOU IN AUSTRALIA – ON LAND
Kangaroos can kick you to death
So can these fucking birds, fuck
THINGS THAT CAN KILL YOU IN AUSTRALIA – IN THE AIR
More spiders that hang out in the air and eat birds
and so on. But not bullets, thankfully.
AUSTRALIAN CUISINE
Here’s Australian cunt Rose from Blackpink introducing Lisa to the wonders of the Australian meat pie (from 3:00).
Quality varies wildly depending on the bakery, but overall the quality is generally poor.
Let’s just say there’s more than one reason why it’s easy to get all sorts of great international takeaway food in Australian cities and towns.
AUSTRALIAN IMMIGRATION HISTORY
One of those reasons is of course the wide variety of people living here. Australia has been a multicultural society for a very long time. European immigration to Australia was more common historically, but Asian immigration has become the dominant form of immigration more recently.
Rest assured that people from overseas do pick up cultural norms, slang and terms very quickly. Let’s go through some of those now, just in case you happen to run into some cunt from Stray Kids and don’t know what to say.
COMMON AUSTRALIAN SLANG AND TERMS TO KNOW
Generally I’ve tried to keep this list to words and terms that are specific to Australian slang in particular, or that have a very specifically Australian form of usage even if they are also used elsewhere. Even Australians get confused on this point, as many popular Australian slang terms (shemozzle, shindig, chockers, clanger, brolly to name just some) are not Australian in origin. Note that New Zealand and Australian slang share a great deal of similarities so some of these words will also apply when meeting Jennie for romantic walks by the river.
Abo – an aboriginal/indigenous Australian. Not used in polite company and often used by racist cunts to be racist, but not exclusively a derogatory term either and some indigenous people will use the term among each other in a friendly or matter-of-fact way. Yes, f(x)’s “NU ABO” caused some confusion with Australian k-pop fans when it first appeared.
Ambo – ambulance.
Ankle biter – a young child.
ANZAC – Australian and New Zealand Army Corps. Although rivalry does exist between Australians and New Zealanders, it’s largely just jokes and the two countries have always been politically allied.
ANZAC biscuits – a biscuit made from oats, golden syrup and coconut. Named as such because they were given to Australian soldiers during wartime as part of military rations, due to their high energy content, long shelf life and durability.
Arvo – the afternoon.
Aussie – a contraction of “Australian”. Pronounced just like the “Ozzy” in Ozzy Osborne.
Banger – a sausage.
Barbie – barbeque.
Barrack – to follow and/or cheer on a sporting team (or a k-pop idol, if you still can’t tell the difference between music and sport yet, seems to be an issue with many of you).
Battler – a working-class person. A term with positive connotations. The phrase “little Aussie battler” is common in politics when politicians want to appeal to the working classes and look like they’re going to give people a “fair go” (see below) instead of just being cunts.
Bickie – a biscuit.
Biffo – a fight.
Big bickies – a large sum of money.
Bludger – a lazy person. Also see “dole bludger”.
Blue – an argument. Usage: “Hyuna and Dawn were having a blue before they broke up.”
Bodgie (new) – a poor repair job, or an unreliable device, machine or product.
Bodgie (antiquated) – fashionable male youths in Australia from the 1950s through to the 1970s were known as “bodgies” and their female counterparts as “widgies”.
Bogan – an Australian who exhibits characteristics commonly associated with the lower classes. Can be male or female, young or old. Upper-class people can also be referred to as bogans (often “cashed-up bogans”), as the term “bogan” is actually more about visible behaviour than social status. Roughly equivalent to “chav” in the United Kingdom although there are also many differences. Not really equivalent to “redneck” in the USA as there is no consistent political or racial dimension to bogans.
Bondi cigar – Bondi Beach is a very popular beach in Bondi, a suburb of Sydney, Australia. Due to its popularity it also becomes quickly polluted when in use, thus a “Bondi cigar” refers to human feces floating on the surface of the water.
Bonza – very good. Antiquated term, rarely used.
Boofhead – a dropkick.
Bottle-o – a drive-thru alcohol retailer.
Buckley’s chance – no chance at all. Refers to the convict William Buckley, who escaped captivity and lived among the indigenous populations in Victoria, Australia for thirty years. He was an early advocate of co-operation between settlers and aboriginals but as it was the early 19th century and Australia was still in full coloniser mode at that time, he was considered to have “Buckley’s chance” of making this outcome happen.
Budgie smugglers – tight male swimming trunks.
Bush pig – an ugly person.
Bush telegraph – gossip. Similar meaning to “the grapevine” in other countries.
Cactus – an item that is broken, beyond the ability to be fixed.
Cark it – to die. “It’s carked it”, “He’s carked it” etc. Can refer to something mechanical or electronic, or living. Can be considered offensive in some contexts due to the casual tone of the phrase i.e you wouldn’t use it at a funeral speech.
Chuck a u-ey – to perform a U-turn in a motor vehicle.
Chuck a wobbly – to throw a tantrum.
Chunder – to vomit.
Ciggie – a cigarette.
Cleanskin – cheap unbranded wine. See section on alcohol below.
Coldie – a chilled can or bottle of beer, straight from a fridge or Esky (see below).
Come the raw prawn – to attempt to deceive. This phrase is only ever used when calling someone out for such behaviour, not when participating or planning it. Common usage: “there’s no way that IVE saw those Stray Kids boys in time to greet them! Don’t come the raw prawn with me!”
Cooee – a loud two-syllable call for attention, used to find lost people in the bush, or to signal your location to others who may be within earshot. If something is “not within cooee” then it’s very far away. The phrase derives from “guuwii” which means “come here” in Dharug language, Dharug are the indigenous people from the Sydney area in New South Wales and they used this call as a way to communicate to each other over long distances.
Cossies – swimming trunks or costumes. Not a universal term across the country, some regions use the Irish-derived word “togs” for this.
Crikey – an expression of surprise or amazement.
Cunt – a vagina, but also can used to refer to a person – any person, but especially Kpopalypse. Often but not exclusively a derogatory term, can be used in an affectionate context as well e.g “Bang Chan’s livestream made me laugh, he’s a funny cunt”. Other recent popular online attempts at reclaiming this term in a positive way (“serve cunt” etc) have their origin in the drag scene and are not specifically Australian.
Daggy – scruffy-looking. This insult can also be affectionate depending on context.
Damper – a really shit form of bread that Australian colonial settlers used to eat when they didn’t have access to traditional baking methods. Nobody sells this anywhere because it tastes terrible.
Deadly – excellent. Use of this term is specifically popular among indigenous Australians.
Democracy sausage – a sausage sizzle, when served during a voting line-up. See “sausage sizzle” below.
Dero – contraction of “derelict”.
Devo – contraction of “devastated”.
Dickhead – a dipshit.
Digger – an Australian soldier. When World War One broke out, Australia was seen by the British as primarily a mining colony (thanks to the popular gold rush in the 1890s which brought many people to Australia from overseas) so the British would refer to the Australian soldiers as “diggers” because they figured the Australians were all miners before they took up arms. The name has stuck and the Australian military continues to use the term with pride.
Dinky – to give someone else a ride on the handlebars of your bicycle, or any other place of your bicycle that is not designed for another passenger. (If the bicycle is actually designed for two people, it’s merely a ‘lift’ or a ‘ride’.)
Dinky-di – genuine, authentic. Antiquated term, rarely used except in advertising. Also see “true blue”.
Dipshit – a boofhead.
Dole – welfare payments, administered by Centrelink, the Australian welfare body.
Dole bludger – a lazy person who has no intention of getting a job, their life goal is to stay on welfare payments as long as possible. Dole bludgers are becoming rarer and rarer as collecting welfare payments in Australia requires about as much commitment as a full time job anyway these days, and the dole hasn’t kept pace with inflation, so you might as well just get a job anyway and at least get paid enough to live.
Doovalacky – a substitute word for an object that someone has forgotten the name of. Similar meaning to “thingamajig”.
Drongo – a fuckwit.
Dropkick – a wanker.
Durrie – a hand-rolled cigarette.
Dunny – a toilet.
Esky – a portable insulated box that can be filled with ice, used for keeping drinks cool. Esky is an actual brand name rather than slang, but all boxes of this type are generally referred to colloquially as Eskies (in a similar sense that some countries call all vaccum cleaners Hoovers even though few of them are). The word is a contraction of “Eskimo”.
Fair dinkum – can be used to say “is that true?” as well as “yes, this is true”. Usage example: “I’ve heard that Kpopalypse is a fuckwit and he’s 99% Chinese and doesn’t know shit about Australia.” “Fair dinkum?” “Yeah, fair dinkum.” Antiquated term, rarely used.
Fair go – not really slang, but the concept of a “fair go” is very important cultural touchstone for Australians and as a result it will be referred to in politics here very often (think about how “freedom” is used in the USA, or “harmony” in China, our “fair go” is equally sacred to us).
Fair suck of the sav – those not given a “fair go” may ask for a “fair suck of the sav (sauce bottle)”. Antiquated term, rarely used.
Football – sport is complicated here. See section below.
Fuckwit – a dickhead.
Furphy – a misleading or improbable story that is claimed to be factual. Antiquated term, rarely used.
Galah – a very noisy native Australian parrot. Also can be used to describe a stupid person (by implying that they make a lot of noise with no clear meaning in a similar way to a galah), but this usage is antiquated.
Garbo – garbage man, someone who takes away the rubbish.
Gazza – short for “Gary”, “Gavin” or any similar name. Australians often shorten names like this for both males and females. Other examples “Bazza” (Barry, Bob, Bruce etc), “Shazza” (Shannon, Shane, etc) and so on.
G’day – contraction of “good day”.
Give it a burl – make an attempt.
Golden Gaytime – a brand of toffee and vanilla ice-cream with a chocolate and crumbed biscuit coating.
Goon – cheap cask wine sold in cardboard boxes. See section on alcohol below.
Goon bag – the bag inside a cheap cask wine box that contains the alcohol.
Gutless wonder – a coward.
Hard yakka – hard work. Writing this post was hard yakka so I hope you’re enjoying it.
Hoon – a dangerous driver. The origins of this term are unknown, some say it is a contraction of “hooligan”. Although the term may have started this way, “hoon” in modern Australian slang isn’t used to refer to street gangs or in any other context outside of the dangerous use of vehicles.
Jimmy Grant – an immigrant. Generally a derogatory term. See “rhyming slang”, below.
Kanga – a kangaroo.
Knock off – two completely separate meanings. 1. To finish work for the day. 2. A cheap copy of a brand-name product.
Lamington – an Australian cake, made from plain sponge/butter cake covered in a layer of chocolate sauce and dessicated coconut.
Maccas – a contraction of “McDonalds”. Can refer to the restaurant, or the food from there.
Mate – it’s complicated. See special section below, under this list.
Mob – an indigenous term used to identify a particular group of people with their tribal ancestry/country. There were many indigenous territories in Australia before the invasion of white people, you can see an approximate map here.
Moll – a prostitute. Antiquated term, rarely used.
Mozzie – mosquito.
Nah yeah – can mean either ‘yes’ or ‘no’ depending on context, and how much emphasis each word is given. When both words are said with equal emphasis, the meaning is usually ‘yes’, but if the ‘yeah’ is significantly quieter or less emphasised, usually (but not always) means ‘no’, unless it doesn’t, in which case it means ‘yes’. Context is key when determining the actual meaning. Also see “yeah nah”.
Never never – a hypothetical remote location. Nobody knows where this place is, but it’s definitely somewhere even further away and more remote than “Woop woop” (see below).
One short of a six pack – beer cans and “stubbies” (see below) are commonly sold in packs of six in Australia. To be “one short” is to be “not all there” so this phrase refers to someone who isn’t very bright. There are many variations of this phrase and they all mean exactly the same thing. “Not the full quid”, “A few kangaroos loose in the top paddock” “Not playing with a full deck (of cards)”, “not the sharpest knife in the drawer” etc etc.
Onya – contraction of “good on you”, a term of encouragement. Can also be used mockingly/sarcastically e.g “why’d ya stop at the green light, you’re a fuckwit mate, onya ya dumb cunt”
Outhouse – an outdoor toilet, completely separated from any dwelling or other building, basically a small tin shed with usually only enough room for a toilet bowl. Sometimes outhouses have working plumbing but in rural areas are often just a dry toilet bowl with no cistern sitting above a pit in the ground.
Paro – contraction of “paralytic”, but actually always means ‘drunk’ and is never used to refer to medical paralysis.
Pash – to kiss passionately. Usage: “I saw Hana and Caitlin pashing in the dorms.”
Pearler – something very impressive.
Pissed – drunk.
Pommie/Pom – a derogatory term for an Englishman (UK). Derived from the acronym “Prisoner Of Mother England”. Sometimes also called “Pomegranates” or “Pommy Grant” (see “Jimmy Grant” above.)
Porcelain – any phrase with “porcelain” in it is a reference to a toilet. “Talk on the porcelain telephone” refers to vomiting into a toilet bowl, etc. These were common gags on Australian TV in the 1960s and 1970s.
Prang – a car accident.
Rack off – go away, get lost.
Rego – vehicle registration. This term is so common that Googling “rego” from anywhere in Australia is a more reliable (not to mention quicker) way to find where to register your vehicle online than typing “registration”.
Rhyming slang – rhyme the last syllable of literally any phrase of any type (but most commonly two nouns separated by ‘and’) with that of any other word, and you can now substitute one for the other. Examples: “dog and bone” = “phone”. “Captain Cook” = “look”. Although considered Australian by Australians, rhyming slang originated in England, and it shows – it actually makes words and sentences harder to say, therefore breaking a key rule of all other Australian slang which is to lazily shorten words as much as possible to make conversation easier for lazy Australian cunts. As a result, sometimes the rhyming slang is then shortened again after it’s lengthened, making even less sense. Example: “butcher’s” = “butcher’s hook” = “look”. Yes both “butcher’s” and “Captain Cook” both mean “look” because rhyming slang is so uncreative that any fuckwit can think up new variations so there are literally thousands of them. That’s why they’re mostly not listed here individually because if they were this list would be super long and super boring. Just like rapping attracts the worst musicians, rhyming slang attracts the worst humourists. There’s something about rhyming words that melts people’s brain cells, I guess. Anyway, rhyming slang is rarely used in conversation except by boomers, or to confuse tourists, or troll people, or to pad out stupid and badly-researched online lists of Australian slang like this one.
Ripper – a fantastic event or situation. Common usage context: “you little ripper!”
Roo – contraction of Kangaroo.
Root – to have sexual intercourse. Common Australian usage: “He’s so dumb he couldn’t organise a root in a brothel.” Common k-pop fans usage: “I’d like to root all the girls in Red Velvet”.
Sanger/sambo – a sandwich. Antiquated term, rarely used.
Sausage sizzle – a sausage placed diagonally on bread which is then folder around it. Onion is optional, but if used must be under the sausage for PH&S reasons. Tomato or BBQ suace is also optional. Often served by charities, at Bunnings (popular Australian hardware/outdoor goods retailer), in line-ups when voting (where it is called a “democracy sausage”) or at other outdoor events.
Seppo – a derogatory term for an American (USA). This insult is derived from the word “Yank”, short for “Yankee”. (Australians don’t differentiate between “Yankees” and “Rebels”, in Australia, all people from the USA are considered “Yankees”.) “Yank” was elongated to “Septic tank” during wartime, partly due to rhyming slang (see above) and partly because when Australians and Americans were posted together on military duties, the Americans quickly garnered a reputation among the Australian soldiers for being “full of shit”. This was then later shortened to “Septics” and then “Seppos”.
Servo – petrol station/gas station.
Shark biscuit – can refer to a shortened half-length surfboard, or a surfer.
Sheep shagger – a derogatory term for a New Zealander. This insult is derived from New Zealand’s higher sheep population density per land mass. Note that New Zealanders also call Australians “sheep shaggers” in a similar derogatory fashion, which comes from Australia’s higher total sheep population per capita.
Sheila – a female. Antiquated term, rarely used.
She’ll be right – there is nothing to be concerned about, a problematic situation has been (or will be) handled appropriately, or will otherwise sort itself out on its own without undue interference.
Shout – buying a round of beers for your companions when out drinking. Common usage: “it’s your shout/it’s my shout”. This behaviour is reciprocal, if you are “shouted” you are expected to “shout” later in return (unless you get too paro). No, you don’t literally shout when ordering the beer.
Skip/Skippy – a kangaroo. All Australian kangaroos are colloquially named “Skip” or “Skippy” due to the popular TV show “Skippy The Bush Kangaroo” that aired in Australia in the 1960s.
Sledge – to shade someone humourously. There are various degrees of sledging from harmless jokes to outright bullying.
Smoko – a work break. Doesn’t specifically have to be used for cigarette smoking to be called a “smoko”, although it usually is.
Spewin’ – unhappy.
Stubby – a 375ml beer bottle.
Ta – a contraction of ‘thank you’. Yes we couldn’t even be bothered saying all the syllables in “thank you” correctly, so we had to shorten it. We Australians truly are a bunch of cunts.
Takeaway – ‘takeout’ food in the USA is ‘takeaway’ food in Australia.
Tanty – a tantrum.
Technicolour yawn – to vomit.
Thongs – light sandals/flip-flops. Note that the word “thong” is never used in Australia to refer to g-string style underwear.
Tim Tam – an Australian chocolate-coated biscuit. Highly recommended by Kpopalypse.
Tim Tam slam – to bite each end off a Tim Tam and suck a beverage through the middle like a straw.
Tomato sauce – Australian for “ketchup”. It is impossible to buy “ketchup” in Australia, what other countries know as ketchup here is labelled here as “tomato sauce”.
Trackies/trackie dacks – tracksuit pants.
True blue – genuine, authentic. A slightly more modern version of “dinky-di” with essentially the same meaning, but rarely used outside of advertising and political propaganda, which is why its usage has fallen out of favour in recent years, its association with politicians and salesmen means the phrase now reeks of bullshit.
Up the duff – pregnant. Note that although the construction of this phrase would imply that the word ‘duff’ is equivalent to ‘vagina’, the word ‘duff’ is actually never used in Australian slang on its own or outside of this one specific phrase.
Vegemite – a spreadable black food-like substance made from molasses. Tastes terrible but remember it’s not supposed to be eaten in large quantities like spoonfuls, it tastes fine when applied correctly which is to spread it thinly over bread or toast… just kidding it’s still shit.
Wanker – a drongo.
Witchetty grub – a type of moth larvae that’s found in central Australia, historically a popular food among indigenous Australians.
Woop woop – a hypothetical town somewhere very far away. “He lives out in Woop Woop”.
Wowser – an archaic term, that was used in the 1980s and prior to refer to people with overly politically correct tendencies. The hatred of politically correct culture in Australia is deep-rooted and extends back far before the term “politically correct” existed.
Yeah nah – can mean either ‘yes’ or ‘no’ depending on context, and how much emphasis each word is given. When both words are said with equal emphasis, the meaning is usuallyno’, but if the ‘yeah’ is significantly quieter or less emphasised, usually (but not always) means ‘yes’, unless it doesn’t, in which case it means ‘no’. Context is key when determining the actual meaning. Also see “nah yeah”.
Yobbo – a loudmouth.
THE WORD “MATE”
“Mate” deserves its own special section. I consulted with an outside Australian cultural and language consultant just for this word, and he agreed that “mate” represents the most subtle and complex use of Australian English that there is, within one word. Examples that he provided:
“G’day mate!” – this is a well known greeting and usually positive and friendly. Or at least neutral.
“I was chatting to my mate, and he said Kpopalypse is a great guy” – this is a friendly usage too (if incorrect).
“Old mate reckons I need to do this” – could mean anything. This is a neutral context without more information.
“Mate, you’d better back off!” – this is negative, you’re about to get into a fight with this person if you keep doing whatever it is you’re doing in their vicinity.
“Ah, I see that your mate has arrived” – whoever you’re about to meet is someone you’ve never met and is most certainly not your mate. However because he is such a knucklehead we call him “your mate” as a way to shade him.
“Mateship” as a general rule permeates all aspects of Australian culture and overrides a lot of other cultural concerns as it’s closely tied to the “fair go” cultural norm. Australians tend to assess the quality of items and transactions through the quality of their relationship with the people who performed them, and how closely that relationship resembles “mateship”. For instance, if an Australian paid someone to fix the front door of their house, and they did an excellent job, and at a fantastically cheap price, and the work was absolutely top quality in all aspects BUT the person who did it “seemed like a bit of a wanker”, that person would not get invited back to perform another job on that house, ever. The Australian would rather get “their mate” to do the job next time. This attitude stems from the remote living conditions of colonial days when people’s “mates” were often all they had to rely on. Australians are culturally very good at helping others in a crisis. Situations like Americans shooting at rescue services during the New Orleans flooding after Hurricane Katrina would be culturally impossible in Australia (even if we did have access to guns).
The term “mate” also has LGBT origins, which aren’t obvious until you think about them, and then they’re really obvious. Early colonial Australian population was in the beginning approximately 90% male, because women being the smarter sex didn’t get shipped off to Australia from the UK as often (either voluntarily or through legal punishment), this resulted in a lot of men living with other men on remote farms and homesteads as there were so few women. These men looked after each other’s needs due to the necessity of remoteness, and that included their sexual needs. Hence the term “mate” as they were literally “mating”, a term derived from “matelotage” (the similarly “homosexual but not really, we’re still manly men we promise” arrangements that were sometimes made among seafarers, which sprang up in the decades before Australian colonisation due to similar factors of remoteness also being at play at sea). All of this history is barely known among Australians so it’s probably best to not bring it up unless you’re in a gay bar, or you’re a cunt like me who likes annoying others.
SPORTBALL
I had to get my consultant (who will remain anonymous as I’m sure he doesn’t want the shame of having contributed to a k-pop website hanging over his head) to write about football as well because I don’t follow the sportball so I know nothing about it, be he does, so here you go. It will help you to have a bit of background information here.
“In Australia there are four major football codes. In order of popularity (which is a debatable measure for so many reasons) they are:
Australian Football
Rugby League
Rugby Union
Soccer
Australian Football used to be called “Australian Rules Football” or colloquially “Aussie Rules”. I am referring to it by its currently correct official title by calling it Australian Football. It is ridiculously popular in Victoria. And I mean ridiculously so. You can jump in a cab with a dude who arrived here from Bangalore 9 months ago and I GUARANTEE you he will have an AFL (Australian Football League) team he supports. It’s what you do if you live in Melbourne. In SA, WA and Tas it is also super popular. Each of these states believe they are the best purveyors of this sport.
The AFL has been slowly expanding and has representative teams from each of the aforementioned states. TAS being the exception however they have recently been granted a licence to join the national competition.
However in NSW and QLD Rugby League holds sway. The other popular football code in these states is Rugby Union. Both forms of Rugby originated in England, Union being the “amateur” (which in the context of the times meant superior) sport, and League the “professional” version. Think about lots of northern English coal miners looking to get paid for putting their body on the line. Anyway that has translated into the Australian psyche with League being the more blue collar sport and Union the more “private school educated” sport. The hilarious thing about this is if you ask 95% of people from SA, VIC, TAS or WA about the above – they will have no idea what I’m talking about. The Rugby codes are just so unimportant in these states that they don’t care.
Soccer runs 4th and is popular with the more recent migrant population. It’s easily the world’s most popular football code but struggles a bit here.”
Here’s a song that might have something to do with sport, or it may not, but it at least makes this section more relevant at least to me.
Oh there’s also cricket but it’s winter here so cricket isn’t relevant right now. Australians don’t talk about summer sports during winter or vice versa, so I couldn’t get any information on this mysterious sport.
NEGATIVITY AS A LINGUISTIC CULTURAL ARTIFACT
Australians tend to be very negative in their dialect, there’s always lots of negativity, this is a very culturally Australian phenomenon which probably dates back to harsh colonial life and having to make the best of dire circumstances. Australians are very good at talking about what things are not. Typical phrases, all of which have a positive meaning even though they use negative language:
“Not bad” (a typical response to “how are you?” or in Australian vernacular, “how ya goin’ mate?”)
“Could be worse” (another typical response to “how are you?”)
“Still breathing” (another typical response to “how are you?”)
“Can’t complain” (another typical response to “how are you?”, note that this is linguistically a double-negative, which makes it twice as Australian)
“No worries”, “Not a problem”, etc (phrases of reassurance that a situation is being or will be handled well)
This predisposition toward negative language extends beyond mere phrases. If you ask an Australian when they’re available to chat or go out or for an appointment etc they’ll often start rattling off all the times when they’re not available instead so you can book around those times. Ask about what sort of food, movies, books etc they like and they’ll often start listing what they hate first and then saying “anything that isn’t those”.
AUSTRALIAN POLITICS
It’s complicated. I’ll try to sum up quickly because Australians hate politicians in general so we’d rather not talk about them.
There are two major parties:
The Labor Party – these are the vaguely progressive party although they usually reneg on most progressive promises after they hit office, cunts. Note that although the world “labor” is spelled “labour” in Australia, they are still called the “Labor” party, fuck knows why, because they’re stupid probably. Currently in power at the time of writing, but not really doing very much of use – typical.
The Liberal Party – don’t let the name fool you, these are in fact Reagan/Bush style conservatives. Basically evil rich cunts who get hard-ons from fucking over the lower classes in any way possible. Strangely popular and in power until very recently when the population finally worked out what a massive shafting they have been getting over the last decade. Have a reputation for being good at economic management despite the Labor party being objectively far better at it when looking at any empirical political neutral data source.
To confuse Americans even more, Labor uses the colour red and Liberal uses the colour blue. Note that Australian politics does NOT map to politics in America or other countries very well at all. For instance, after the massacre at Port Arthur in 1996, it was the conservative Liberal party who brought in Australia’s tough gun control legislation. This is considered to this day by all sides of politics to be a crowning achievement of that party, and is a policy broadly supported by everyone.
There are many other parties, including but not limited to:
The Nationals – a rural “for the farmers” party who have an alliance with The Liberals (eerily called “the Coalition” like some kind of Netflix-only gangster TV series that only lasted two seasons), which is pretty funny because the Liberals fuck over the farmers’ interests at every possible opportunity but the Nationals still cling to this alliance desperately and continue to spread their anuses wide and be the Liberals’ obedient little bitch boys because they know they have not much power without it
The Greens – the tree-hugging “420 erryday” party full of hot chicks who smoke weed and want to legalise sluts, I recommend you vote for them because they’re the only party here likely to try to push through a policy that might waive my large amounts of student debt, they’ll probably fail but the thought is appreciated
The Democrats – the progressive “keep the bastards honest” party (yes that was actually their official political slogan for a while) who were gaining popularity until they got greedy and fucked up by doing deals with the Liberal Party over taxes, thus losing them their self-proclaimed moral high-ground and thus trashing the only reason people ever voted for them
One Nation – insane ultra-conservative racist corrupt tinfoil-hat wearing weirdos that are so stupid that even Australia’s terminally online American-trend-following alt-right grifters-for-clicks don’t take them seriously, only really popular with Queensland rednecks
Palmer United Party – like One Nation but run by a fat billionaire who thinks all it takes to get votes is to spam billboards with ads and be fat
Katter Australia Party – like One Nation but… well, actually just like One Nation
Family First – Fundamentalist christian dickheads who want to ban abortion, sex before marriage, contraception, learning about science, staying awake past your bedtime, this website and fun in general
Australian Communist Party – yes this exists, but nobody votes for it or has even heard of it because LOL why would you vote for these clowns
ALCOHOL
Australians like to consume alcohol just as much as Koreans do. We are truly a bunch of drunk cunts. Popular drinks include:
Beer – by far the most popular alcoholic drink culturally, if not by volume. Which beer is most popular in Australia and which ones you can acquire easily is regional and changes from state to state (but is never, ever Fosters except in a few rare places that cater specifically to English tourists). Sizes of beers also change from state to state and are helpful to know when ordering so here is a chart.
Fig.3 beer sizes and terminology per state. (source)
Note that beers in Australia are always served cold, regardless of the temperature outside. The only exception is internationally themed pubs, such as “German pubs” or “British pubs”, where beer from the themed country will be served in that country’s style.
Wine – Australia has a lot of wine-growing regions, so wine is everywhere, from expensive drops that can cost up to thousands per bottle, to cheap “cleanskins” which is unbranded wine bottles deemed too shit for anyone to put a label on. There is also “goon” which is cheap cask wine sold in cardboard boxes. In Australia alcohol is very expensive as it’s heavily taxed by the government (cunts), so if you want to get pissed on the cheap, goon is the preferred method. (American drinks like malt liquor don’t exist here except on import and thus they are expensive, so nobody buys that shit here.) Australians actually drink more wine per volume than beer, and this is why. Red wine is served at room temperature, other wines are served cold, unless the goon bag won’t fit in the fridge due to all the beer already in there in which case fuck it just drink it warm.
Coffee – yes this comes under alcoholic drinks because the most popular cocktail in Australia is the espresso martini. However just regular coffee is extremely popular here. In fact it’s so popular that when the Starbucks coffee chain entered the Australian market they gave up and shut most of their stores a few years later because they couldn’t compete against the already strongly-established local coffee culture. To this day very few Starbucks exist here and they cater mostly just to tourists too timid to try anything new.
HOW TO OFFEND AN AUSTRALIAN
It’s tricky but it can be done. Australians are notoriously hard to offend, and here’s a list of things they’re generally fine with:
- Did you call me a cunt? That’s fine mate, onya
- Bit of biffo at the pub, mate, she’ll be right
- Anything non-PC it’s okay we know you didn’t mean it maaaaate (or maybe you did but it’s okay we already know you’re a cunt)
Surefire ways to offend an Australian include the following:
- Refer to Fosters beer as an “Australian” beer or something Australians are likely to drink e.g “I’m going to the bar to get drinks, you’re Australian, would you like a Fosters?”
- Use the word “shrimp” in any sentence, in any context. Even discussions about the word shrimp are offensive. This post is now very offensive to all Australians due purely to this entry.
- Referring to Paul Hogan as anything other than a fuckwit, or suggesting him or the Crocodile Dundee movies are still relevant in any way.
- Suggest (as a foreigner) that the dangerous nature of Australian wildlife is exaggerated (this is acceptable behaviour for Australians however, because it implies that we as Australians are the only ones with mastery over these dangerous creatures).
- Doubt the dangers of drop bears, or suggest that references to drop bears are immature or not amusing.
- Call them “sir”, “madam”, or any other title that denotes extreme levels of respect.
The last point may seem unusual, but due to our convict past there is a “reverse formality” culture in Australia. This conversation sums it up well:
Fig 4. I hope you enjoyed the sport section of this article Asian Junkie kind sir
The reason why this exists is as a way for people living under the thumb of tight regulation to sass the authorities without being called out for it. If a police officer wanted to talk to me about something and they were being cool and nice about it I’d just talk to them as if I was talking to my friend, but if I really didn’t like what that police officer was saying or if I thought they were being unduly harsh I’d make a point to call them “sir” or “madam” at every opportunity. It’s basically a way of saying “fuck you pig” without getting beaten up for it, because there’s some plausible deniability there, like the plausible deniability Asian Junkie uses when he copies roundup.
Anyway that’s it for me! Time for me to rack off, cunts!
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