Kpopalypse roundup – new k-pop releases 29/5/2023

It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!

I’m always grateful for Asian Junkie kind sir pointing out controversies that would have flown right under my radar because I’m not plugged into the corporate dicksucking machine 24/7 and Enhypen’s fans being mad that the group have backing dancers with boobs and vaginas is definitely one of those situations.

Dreamcatcher – BONVOYAGE

Definitely a lower-tier Dreamcatcher song due to being about 80% boring downbeat buildup and 20% payoff, but the 30 seconds of actual music that they deemed fit to bless up plebians with in this track does kick quite a lot of fucking ass, so I’ll try and be grateful. Dreamcatcher on a bad day is still better than your bias on a good day.

LE SSERAFIM – Eve, Psyche & The Bluebeard’s wife

Right up there with “Arcangels Of The Sephiroth” in terms of wanky song titles, but the song itself is relatively straightforward, picking one particular type of groove and sticking to it fairly strictly. Basically NewJeans’ “Ditto” if it was revved up a bit more.

BOYNEXTDOOR – One and Only

Zico’s new group, so I’m calling them “Block C” until further notice. This song’s alright and if I would have liked it if I was a toddler and it came on during children’s TV hour. As an adult it falls a bit flat though.

BOYNEXTDOOR – But I Like You

Block C’s other song is a bit more my speed. I don’t mind it at all, although I really do miss the days when boy groups debuted with videos where they were all kicking the living shit out of each other.

Mighty Mouth feat. Eunha – Slam Dunk

Old school rap, but not the good kind. As much as I love Eunha she doesn’t help here, her contribution only serving to soften the track until it’s mushier than whatever godawful AI skin-smoothing filters they’ve applied to her face.

Jay Park feat. Zion.T – Candy

Jay Park is still releasing music, lol. Yooa is only here to dance and ask where the soju is and it’s just as well because she’s well and truly paid her dues on the worst-lists lately. Let’s try to be kind to her.

KARD – Icky

KARD go for something that sounds like Le Sserafim but they don’t quite get it right, luckily BM gets his shirt off so they’ve at least got that part down. The objectification survey will be open by next week, so you might want to remember this moment.

SECRET NUMBER – DOXA

A weedy backing track and one too many overly busy Autotuned melodies combine to take the edge of something that could have been pretty good with a bit more restraint and punch.

Chae Soobin, Jo Yuri – Yellow Circle

I didn’t mind it once it got going, but Lipton Ice Tea tastes like stale urine. If you want an alternative, I always used to order Pokka back when they had Pepper Lunch in my city, that was way better than fucking Lipton. Pepper Lunch is apparently coming back to Adelaide soon, I should hold a fanmeet there just so I can drink better tea than that Lipton goat’s piss.

AB6IX – Loser

I love it when they shoot parts of a music video for a shit boy group song in a photography darkroom. What exactly are you developing, cunt? Clearly not anything resembling talent.

CIX – Save me, Kill me

Sounds like a great idea, if someone were to kill me right now before the song ended that would be sweet. If you’re reading this you got here too late.

SEVENTEEN – April Shower

Koreans are such a bunch of cunts for the weather, aren’t they. An “April shower” has a totally different meaning for those without Northern Hemispherian privilege, I hope these boys take full responsibility for depressing me.

The Wind – Do It

Bfriend are back and they’re probably one non-OH&S-compliant stage away from viral fame. As a Kpopalypse reader you can now make note of this so you can sagely nod your head in ten years time when their fans start talking to you about how nobody supported them in their “pyjama era”.

Lee Chayeon – Don’t Be A Jerk

Gosh I’ve been told. Okay, okay, I won’t give you a bad review, I’ll just move on. Happy?

Kim Doah – Dream Walking

Apparently this girl was in Fanatics-Flavor but I wouldn’t have known this if my song submitter hadn’t told me, because it’s only the diner that I recognise.

ALICE – Show Down Remix Ver.

I am not interested.

TEMPEST – I’ll Be There

It’s a “special stage” video which means the plopped the studio audio on top of some out of context live performance with interaction moments so awkward that I’m going to steal them for my next book.

n.SSign – Monologue

Ugh.

Yewon Little Singers – Beginnin’

Listen to the noise they overdubbed at 0:43 and how it always appears when the girls are running. This isn’t music, this is grown adults making slapstick and laughing at kids for fun. Someone stop this child abuse.

Padi feat. Lee Hi – Do

Your semi-regular reminder that Lee Hi isn’t on YG anymore which means she actually does stuff now. Break free soon, Suhyun!

Glen Check – Candy Pink

Glen Check aren’t bad I guess even if they’re trying to destroy our eyeballs. If this was a plan to make me notice the music first, I guess it worked.

Glen Check – Pretty Psycho

This song is better even though the video is annoying as piss. I guess any idea is a good one when you’re some small band and you just want “an idea, any idea” so you can put your song at the same time as the other one you spent money on.

Glen Check – Mind Surfing

I draw the line at this CGI Sonic Youth lite shit though. Fuck off with these rotating videos, please.

Song Sohee feat. Lee Ilwoo of Jambinai – Infodemics

You’ll need some patience for it, it’s surely not something that’s going to go viral on TikTok, but if you can sit still for five fucking seconds and stop clicking things you might discover something pretty cool. It reminded me of Lisa Gerrard gone heavy but that’s probably me being racist or something, I don’t know.

Seola – Flower

I saw Seola live and she was great but damn she did look like a deer in headlights. Watching this, I can see that I wasn’t imagining this. I just want to be there on set to make sure the CEO doesn’t yell at her.

Wooyoung – Off the record

Given that the majority of the “off the record” revelations about k-pop over the past decade originated from this very site, I think this guy’s got some showing and proving to do. My email is right there, get on it if you’re serious. Oh wait, he’s just talking about banging some chick on the sly? That’s alright then I suppose.

Yesung – Tsukanoma no Koi

Nobody’s nostalgic for VCRs that relied on cassettes, you fuckwit. Solid state storage was the best thing that ever happened to handicams and if you don’t agree, you’re probably a pedophile.

KyoungSeo – 120BPM

You know the Korean pop scene is weak when a song called “120bpm” only goes at 97bpm. I can’t make up something this lame.

Lee Sojung – The Day

Everyone loves to crow about Ladies Code but if people actually supported them as much as they pretended to online, Sojung would be as big as Beyonce. I keep mentioning them because they’re proof of the hypocrisy of k-pop fans that needs to be challenged every day if rational people are to stay sane and get through this fan business without mental damage. I’m out here looking out for you, folks.

Eunice – BLUE ROS3

Eunice is one of the ex-DIA members who isn’t shooting heroin under a bridge and her song’s pretty good actually, it’s got some nice arrangement smarts and actually spends more time rocking than the latest Dreamcatcher release which is kind of great and also a bit sad really.

Mirani feat. Blase, Rei Ami – 1,2,3 Go Shoot

I actually liked this, somewhere between a rap song and Le Sserafim on a $10 budget.

JAJUNG – Good Thing

It’s it just so coincidental how the best singers are always the most conventionally attractive? Gosh how mystifying. Or maybe, just maybe, there’s a bunch of really conventionally not-attractive singers out there too and none of them have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting signed because groups like this exist. Yes that sucks, but most of you reading this wouldn’t be into any of this music at all if the performers weren’t attractive so shut up and eat your gruel. This is what you want, this is what you get. Objectification survey coming soon.

Nam Donghyun feat. Kim Nongmill – Blind

Actually really cool. This guy used to be called Boyhood and I have no idea why he was called that but who cares, we have a decent song here and that’s all I care about.

HELLO GLOOM – Eyes on me

I delayed roundup for this disco bollocks? What a life.

YoungTak – On Your Side

Wonstein – Apocalypse

I hope that one of those birds that flew by at 0:24 took a shit on his head.

015B feat. Kim Jiwoon – One Day, Someday

Sometimes I get lucky with 015B. Not this time.

DumbAss – Baby!

Unexpectedly rocking and pacy, a nice wake-up after so much dreary music.

Galaxy Express – Don’t Care Anymore

I think this one kind of sucks though. Just nothing catchy here. It’s true that rock guitars can bias me towards a song (as they fucking should) but they’re not enough on their own.

Jo Jung Min – Timing

Gone With The Wind is a four hour fucking film, so if it’s playing at 3:30pm and Casablanca is playing at 5:20pm, Casablanca will actually be over first. I do recommend that k-pop fans check out Gone With The Wind though, it’s got everything that k-pop fans love – racism, sexy dresses, racism, Vivian Leigh plagiarising Eunha’s look, and racism. Definitely four hours of your life that you’ll look back on and say “those were four hours”.

Kyly – Spinning Blades

I’m not sure what I expected a song called “Spinning Blades” to sound like, but this definitely wasn’t it.

Meriberry – It’s a Sunny Day

This song makes me want to listen to The Exploited or maybe Knocked Loose just for some contrast so that means it’s good. I think I’ll just leave roundup here because it’s not going to get any better this week. Fuck it.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

6 minutes of Kanghyun’s guitar solos

That guy from Onewe is a legit good guitar player. I say this as a legit good guitar player, that he’s good.

Jay Park feat. Zion.T – Candy (dance practice video)

Since the only reason to care about this song existing is that Yooa dances in the video a but, you might as well have this dance practice video to look at. Objectification survey coming soon folks, what do you mean you’re offended, you all loved it when BM took off his shirt you hypocrites. Anyone who doesn’t think objectification is the greatest thing ever should be given lapdances by Wonho until they admit they’re wrong.

Seventeen – Adore U

Someone pointed out to me that I never reviewed Seventeen’s debut song, so here you go. Mind you, like a lot of things, I ignored it for a reason and it wasn’t just because I was bitter that Pledis were sinking their money into this instead of giving Orange Caramel a polka dots concept comeback, it was just a song that never impressed me and still doesn’t, not that I even thought about its existence in the intervening seven years since it came out. I also never understood why there were only thirteen boys in this group, I mean they went to the trouble of hiring all thirteen, would it have killed them to bring in four more just to complete the concept and match the number of candles on the cake? I guess money talks and boy band members walk.

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That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!