Saturday, 27 January 2024

Kpopalypse’s 10 most fappable k-pop music videos of 2023

By admin at January 27, 2024

It’s time once again for Kpopalypse’s annual most fappable k-pop list! Those who pretend that they don’t fap to idols, rejoice as Kpopalypse gives you what you secretly want but are too gutless to ask for!

Looking back on 2023 it feels like not enough people have been annoyed by Kpopalypse.com, so naturally I’m here to address that. In these days when sex-negative conservative-pretending-to-be-progressive nannying censorious prudes dominate the k-pop media space, squeezing out the few last remaining areas of adult sexiness in the k-pop scene wherever they go, it’s important to buck against this trend and deliver you sexy k-pop content. However there probably isn’t any such sexy content actually in this list because I’m a massive troll, but you’ve now clicked on it and your browser has probably loaded it already, so why not read on just so you don’t waste the Internet bandwidth?

10. Raina – The Way We Were

“The Way We Were” indeed. One aspect of plastic surgery that is rarely discussed, is that once you get on the cosmetic surgery train to a certain extent, you’re on it for life. Sure, something straightforward like double-eyelids or mole removal is a one-and-done procedure, but for the more technical work, once you have a certain amount of artificial bits inside you, they don’t necessarily grow in harmony with the rest of your body as you age. Therefore you have to keep going back for touch-up work every so often, not to change anything new, but just to keep what you’ve already got where it is. Of course while you’re there, you get upsold, and that’s a tough thing to say no to when you’re in the visual-centric k-pop world. You’re lying there on that operating table waiting for them to stop the tip of your nose from creeping down to your upper lip, and the surgeon says “while I’m here, since you’re a regular customer I’m happy to give you a discount on a cheekbone lift and I’ll even throw in a free skin tuck” so you think to yourself “well why wouldn’t I want to look even more attractive if I could? I’m in the entertainment business after all, and I’ve got to stay relevant against all these young up-and-comers so fuck it, I might as well go for it”. It’s easy to see why so many k-pop idols get multiple procedures, all of which are universally unpopular with fans who have come to love how their faces already are. None of this has anything to do with Raina who is a 100% natural beauty and don’t you dare say otherwise, I mean I don’t even know why I’m mentioning this here. Anyway Raina jumps up and down on her bed in this video and also gets a ring put on her finger and that’s how you squeeze Alexa in school uniform cosplay out of the list this year.

9. Kim Hyun Joong – My Sun

Kim Hyun Joong is certainly an attractive man (so I was told by a lady at work a while back) but it’s said that he also has a reputation for being someone who doesn’t obey OH&S protocol. People who are around him for a long time have a habit of developing nasty bruises because he just doesn’t seem to be living and working in a safe environment, so they have accidents all the time (his fans assure me that this is the reason and not any other reason, so it must be true). So I was really pleased to see the video for “My Sun” which has Kim standing far, far away from his orchestra, just to make sure that no ‘accidents’ occur. This definitely seems like a very OH&S compliant video, and as someone who has to deal with the failures of poor OH&S compliance in my line of work quite often, I must say that it really barred me up quite a lot.

8. KINGDOM – Dystopia

It’s just not a Kpopalypse fap list these days without Kpopalypse jerking it to the Kingdom boys in traditional costumers of some kind and getting in touch with my inner 30 year old twink, so it’s good to see that they delivered once again this year. I mean I’m sure it’s not historically accurate, and someone out there is horribly offended that they’re waving a sword that didn’t exist after 1863 in front of a piece of fabric that only started being made in 1910 but you know what people on the Internet are like. Personally I was too busy reaching for the lube to notice anything wrong.

7. LAYSHA – Red Flower

And here’s the version for heterosexuals. It’s funny how Laysha have gotten huge with the gays lately because this is the most heterosexual thing I’ve ever seen. If Kingdom made me gay, Laysha just made me straight again. If you’re gay and enjoying life you probably shouldn’t watch this video, it may change you. Don’t tell the christians that Laysha exist or they may start using it as conversion therapy. Anyway being gay was fun while it lasted, I recommend it and I’ll be sure to try it again the next time Kingdom release something.

6. Queen Wasabii – Coco Cherry Cake

Queen Wasabii didn’t take any issue with the lyrics to “Coco Cherry Cake” when she was making the album because her vision for original and wholesome music was crystal clear to her. Slang terms aren’t… okay, okay, I’ll stop that. Queen Wasabii is older than 15 years anyway so she doesn’t really fit in with the latest trend of getting kids to sing double entendres and hand-waving it away like it’s nothing because of course we mean a literal cookie, we put a cookie in the video just to be sure, what are you talking about. Queen Wasabii is the kind of person who wants to do this kind of thing and good on her because we need more mature adults proudly displaying their coconuts and less kids popping it like a cheese. Anyway I would come and take a lookie at Queen Wasabii’s Coco Cherry Cake, at her house only. Of course she means a literal coconut, she put a coconut in the video just to be sure, what are you talking about.

5. NCT DOJAEJUNG – Kiss

I don’t know why so many NCT fans follow my writing but they sure do and damn are they thirsty so I guess I’d better throw them a bone, or three bones to be precise. They all recommended “Baggy Jeans” for the fap list this year but I really think that this solo here is on a much higher level of fap. Smart pants are much sexier than baggy jeans for a start, but also we have mesh shirts, random tops with only the top button done up so you get abs exposure whenever someone moves their arms, and sexy strip club lighting, if I was an NCT fapper this would be my go-to.

4. Adora – 10 reasons for I love you

TikTok isn’t good for very much other than collecting data for the Chinese government, enabling racism, and encouraging illiteracy among the world’s young k-pop fans, but one of the few other things it was good for is Adora. I say “was” because Adora doesn’t post anymore, which made me think that perhaps she’d vanished off the planet, but instead she’s just converted into a ballad singer. This is good because even though her songs now suck ass, ballad videos have slow editing with lots of lingering shots so I can look at Adora a lot without having to deal with jump cuts.

3. VIVIZ – Untie

Do I need to say anything? No, of course not. Let’s just move on.

2. Rockit Girl – Crazy Love

This website has been banging on boringly since the second k-pop generation about how nobody knows how to use the Shure Super 55 microphone, but of course nobody in k-pop has learned. Nobody except Han Leeseul from Rockit Girl, that is. When Rockit Girl made a video for their song “Resistance” I left a comment saying Leeseul wasn’t singing into the correct part of it, and then in their very next video, which is this one right here, they fixed the goddamn issue, and have been getting it consistently right ever since. I don’t think I’ve ever fapped harder.