Kpopalypse’s roundup of 2023’s worthless anal-fisting Christmas trash
It’s time for Kpopalypse to review 2023’s Christmas songs! Welcome to the Kpopalypse 2023 Christmas k-pop song roundup!
It’s Christmas time and we all know what that means – annoying music in PAs blasting in your face whenever you’re out shopping, cringe ‘specials’ on TV, smelly relatives visiting and giving you socks, and of course the Kpopalypse Christmas song roundup full of absolute garbage songs that nobody cares about! Read on and find out what runny turds were released from the k-pop Christmas asshole this year!
Of course like any Kpopalypse list, this one has rules. They are:
- Released this year
- Christmas themed – generic “winter” themes don’t cut it, must be at least a Christmas tree visible in the video or something
- Original songs only, covers don’t count – although a cover or two may slip through the net anyway due to my general lack of knowledge and/or interest in fucking shit music like this
- Has an actual video, that’s more than just a lazy “lyric video” etc
- Songs are presented in chronological order of release, no quality ratings because it pretty much all sucks anyway as you’d expect
- Not a complete list because who the fuck wants even more of this trash, nobody sensible that’s for sure
Let’s take a look at the songs!
November 18th – Grass – Happy Christmas
The first cab of the rank for 2023 Christmas suckitude is some nugu you’ve almost definitely never heard of, and the grass definitely isn’t greener on this side of the mound of shit. I think the title is supposed to be ironic and the song itself seems to be making some kind of point about Christmas being the season of loneliness and despair in what is a designated ‘couples holiday’ in Korea, which may well be true but that doesn’t make the song itself any better.
November 20th – Western Kite – Hey Santa!
The weirdly depressing themes continue, the nature of this song and video makes me think that perhaps it’s trying to say something interesting, but since it’s also boring I don’t really care.
November 28th – Tri.be – Papa Noel
How about a reggaeton Christmas, well why not I suppose. I’m not sure what’s more confusing, the fact that this exists, that it’s labelled “funniest MV” for no discernable reason, that it’s letterboxed also for no reason, or that it’s actually quite a bit better than everything else they’ve ever done (which wouldn’t be difficult, mind you).
November 28th – Libelante – This Winter
This is boring, but to be fair at least they’re in the right genre for this trash. This is the kind of group I would reasonably expect to have the own original Christmas songs so I guess they have an excuse for this nonsense.
December 1st – ARTMS – The Carol 3.0
If Loona splinter groups are going to rehash their group’s past, what about revisiting their cool pre-debut stuff instead of shit like this? We’re going to get “The Carol 56.0” when they’re ninety, aren’t we. I know fans will complain about this take because Loona fans are always happiest when they’re complaining about something, but if you were really their fan you’d want them to have the best music possible, not this crap.
December 1st – che!vee – Stay With Me
Ashton guitars are one of those mega budget guitar brands that mainly turn up in pawn shops where I live rather than in actual music stores. I guess they were under pressure to do something quickly so just visited the hock shop for any old shit to record their throwaway Christmas bullshit track with. Can’t blame them for the lack of care factor, I wouldn’t have given a fuck either.
December 1st – Luvim feat. Wayhome – Don’t Forget, Christmas!
Not like anyone will ever forget Christmas with you cunts reminding us all the time with shitty new Christmas songs.
December 4th – F.CUZ, Sujin, Ju Dae Geon, Park Pil Kyu, Hyeon Jun Seo – The Miracle of Christmas
One of those label collaboration Christmas things where they get all the big stars in one company together except this time it’s a label and a bunch of people you never heard of. It’s not any worse than what the big agencies do, mind you (and there haven’t been many like this from the big agencies this year, or maybe there were and I forgot them due to shit music trauma). Brace yourself for the Christmas rap section.
December 4th – Izykite – Winter Love Song
It’s so bland, goddamn. ChatGPT write me a Christmas song, prompts: smooth ballad, fuzzy jumper, boredom, must make me want to bash random strangers in the street for no reason.
December 5th – Zoey – Snow’s Comin’
I tried to take this seriously but I just kept thinking about how Whitehouse should have done a Christmas album and they could have also called it “Snow’s Comin'” and it completely ruined the mood.
December 6th – Song Eun I, Kim Sook, Lee Jin Ah – Merry Merry Christmas
It’s certainly been a nugu Christmas so far this year. (Most well-known artists are doing covers of other known Christmas songs, which are not eligible for this roundup.) Not many established acts seem to be willing to dip their toe in. I want to take credit for hopefully scaring them off with these annual roundups.
December 6th – Dream Menz feat. Kim Byeongsoo (Two Romance) – Snowman
I’m not sure if this qualifies as I didn’t detect anything specifically Christmas about it rather than just “generic winter things” but it’s one of the better songs that got put up for this list (which isn’t saying a lot but anyway) so I guess it can stay.
December 11th – Hwang Chiyeul – Beautiful Winter
This one’s also actually vaguely tolerable, although I’m not sure what pictures of Marilyn Monroe’s skirt have to do with Christmas specifically but oh well, won’t complain I guess.
December 11th – Eun Eun – How is your Christmas?
How is my Christmas? After hearing these songs, I’ve got to say, it could be better.
December 11th – XODIAC – First Snow
“When the first snow comes, will you come to me?” they sing. Not if you keep holding the microphone around the wrong way, I sure won’t.
December 11th – Apink – Pink Christmas
But everything in this video’s red? Apink, you had one job…
December 12th – BOL4 – Snowball
The Christmas allusions are subtle in this video, but they’re there. Anyway BOL4 suck at music these days and this is no exception.
December 12th – PLAVE – Merry PLLIstmas
The thing that baffles me here the most is – they could have dressed these lame computer avatars in anything, and they chose tracksuits and sneakers? That’s about as Christmas as July. Was there not enough processing power to cope with all the Christmas sparkles or something.
December 13th – Lee Juchun – Walk Out The Door
Walking out the door seems like a grand idea at this point.
December 13th – XIA, Kim So Hyun, Jeong Su Ah, Son Jun Ho, Jin Tae Hwa, Seo Kyung Su, Yang Seo Yoon – My Christmas Wish
Gosh I guess all these singers are now going on the unofficial Korean music show blacklist after getting within 10 metres of a JYJ member. If you’re going to piss your entire k-pop career up against a wall, do it for a song better than this, damn.
December 17th – 2BIC – You, You, You
Oh dear, the nugu ballad singers are at it again. Hey, who am I kidding, Korea loves this crap, I bet this group are huge. Those fuzzy jumpers are probably imported and hand-weaved and worth more than my car.
December 19th – IGWI – Ring Ding Ding
This group didn’t even want to show their faces here, with all facial features sneakily edited out. To be fair that’s exactly that I’d insist on if I had to sing some crap like this.
December 20th – CLASS:y – Winter Bloom
Vertically letterboxed videos are bad enough, but then when someone horizontally letterboxes footage inside the vertical letterbox… whatever happened to actually using all of the screen space? All I want from Santa this year is more pixels.
December 20th – HYB – The Winter
More bespectacled balladeer groups sitting down and wailing away. What’s wrong, why can’t they just be happy? Did they get a k-pop vocal forum for Christmas?
December 20th – Imsom – Happy Christmas
More balladeering that’s barely worth a mention but at least this ballad sounds like she’s chilling rather than she wants to kill herself with emotional angst.
December 21st – NINE.i – Back to Christmas
Oh fuck me, someone actually looks happy that it’s Christmastime. I like the lyrics “typical christmas songs, when I hear then with you, it feels like magical snow falling”, so in other words his face feels wet? Hey maybe that white stuff isn’t snow…
December 21st – HHH – I Will Be Your Santa
Some vocal group you’ve never heard of has a Christmas song. These girls haven’t even cracked triple digits on any of their videos yet. The song’s not exactly great but why not spread the Christmas spirit and give their video a comment or something, they’d probably really appreciate that.
December 21st – Villain – Old Money
This guy was just like “I don’t even have a Christmas song but I’m just going to name-drop Christmas at the start of my stupid trap crap song that has nothing to do with anything really, just to see if I make it into Kpopalypse’s Christmas roundup”. So congratulations dude, it worked, now fuck off.
December 22nd – NCT 127 – Be There For Me
It’s finny how NCT 127 dumped their usual sound for their Christmas song because the sound they’ve picked instead doesn’t actually sound all that Christmassy, they might as well not have bothered. The NINE.i guys definitely aren’t feeling this one on their faces.
December 22nd – JUST B – I luv you Merry Christmas
Check out how the song is written so the words are in the shape of a Christmas tree, now that’s some really top shelf graphic design. The song, not so much, I mean they’re all sitting down so you know it’s a skip.
December 22nd – Little Muse – Happy Winter
I’m not going to be mean to these kids because they already look completely shit-scared. We all know that this one is the parents’ fault.
December 22nd – Jeon Somi x BIG Naughty – Ex-mas
Somi sings “I’m on the naughty list, no more cookies” and rightly so, please don’t use Christmas as an excuse to foist your trap garbage onto us. This song feels like getting a lump of coal in your Christmas stocking, and like that lump of coal you should probably just burn it to keep yourself warm.
December 23rd – Rocky – Christmas Dance
At 1:43 Rocky does that thing where you wrap your arms around yourself so it looks like you’re embracing someone else. He knows this shit song is going to make him single for a while, so he’s preparing.
December 23rd – SEVENUS – Mirror
One of the guys here sings “love you forever” and it looks at first like he’s doing a heart shape sort of sign but actually he’s tracing the hourglass curves of a female. Let’s hope he also gets turfed out of the dating pool for Christmas suckitude.
December 24th – Kyoungseo – Christmas Time
One of the better efforts actually, and look at all the lights on the tree. Looks like we’re getting climate change for Christmas and it’s all Kyoungseo’s fault.
December 24th – VIVIZ – Day by day
It really was a lame bunch of Christmas songs this year when even Viviz couldn’t make Christmas work. Not only does the song suck, but they don’t even look any good, and it’s Viviz, the best looking group in k-pop, so how they managed that I don’t even know. It truly is a Christmas miracle.
SOME BONUS CHRISTMAS CRAP
Wonho Christmas message
Just letting you know that he’s alive and hasn’t been captured by North Korea to use as a secret weapon or anything. Actually I heard that Wonho stepped on a mine in the DMZ last week, and the latest report is that the mine is in a critical condition.
Leezy at Christmas
She may not have gotten much in her Christmas stocking from MBK all those years ago but it’s good to see that Leezy is doing well these days.
Kiss Of Life Christmas Carol medley
Just sharing, as it seems relevant to my readership, you’re welcome.
T-ara do a Christmas version of “Yayaya”, Music Bank Christmas 2010
I can’t believe that they actually found a way to make “Yayaya” even worse, that’s quite an achievement given how much that song already stinks. Thanks to the reader who sent this in for… wait, why am I thanking you? This is deranged, fuck.
That’s all for this post! I’m sure I left out a few Christmas songs here and there, but if I did, please don’t mention or link them in the comments below because nobody cares! Kpopalypse will return soon with more posts!
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