Kpopalypse roundup – new k-pop releases 4/9/2023

It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!

Daisy seems to have a lot of frustrating things on her mind lately. If she wants to let some of that annoyance out in interview form she should get in touch – and so should you, if you’re someone in k-pop who doesn’t mind talking and is prepared to brave the threat of ‘external forces’!

RIIZE – Get A Guitar

They should have taken their own advice. There’s only the tiniest fragments of very clean, very boring guitar in this. It’s not the 1950s, buy a distortion pedal for fuck’s sake.

Stray Kids feat. LiSA – Social Path

It’s Stray Kids with Lisa, no, not that Lisa, or that Lisa, or even that Lisa, but some other Lisa you don’t care about. Song’s alright though, at least it’s pacy.

Changbin – Fly High

The other Stray Kids related some is just some ad for a flip phone and it’s also not terrible even though flip phones sure are. Flip phones are evil, don’t do it, kids. Us old cunts all remember the Motorola V3s that would develop lines on the screen after a while. Less moving parts is always better. Young people today would be better off doing drugs than buying a flip phone.

H1-KEY – SEOUL (Such a Beautiful City)

People are going to think I’m H1-key biased, and I am, but only because the songs are so good, which is the best reason to be biased.

Jeon Somi – Gold Gold Gold

What a load of crap, although I’m sure k-pop fans will eat it up because they’re all anti-capitalist right up until when their fave writes a song where the lyrics are “stupid poor people I have more money than you” and then they’re all rimming Elon Musk’s anus. Someone tell Somi that having gold teeth doesn’t make you look rich, it just makes you look like you don’t brush.

BOYNEXTDOOR – But Sometimes

Eh, more blandness and too-clean guitars.

PENTAGON – PADO (wave to me)

Oh gosh it’s the tropical sound, gee golly never heard that or gotten completely sick of that before.

Cignature – Smooth Sailing

Check the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it bruise at 2:48. I wonder who decided to zoom up on that and why. Blink twice if your contract is shit.

CRAVITY – Cheese

Not much to say here. I would not let Cravity into my cavity on the basis of this song.

ONEWE – Salty Boy

It’s fast! Of course there’s an ill-advised trap breakdown because if kids these days have too much fun or excitement in their music they might forget to look at advertising on their smartphones, but other than that, we’re finally rocking here folks.

Baekho – Elevator

Look at that arm definition. Sorry, there’s no arm category in the Kpopalypse objectification survey, Baekho you can calm down now.

Bibi – Hangang Gongwon

Bibi should have really gotten on the bias list this year but there’s only so much fucking room. Anyway happy to see her in ballad mode here just because it means a different assortment of fashions to usual.

Young K – Nothing But

Young K read my Dahyun writeups in my bias lists and decided to make that the concept for his entire comeback.

Kim Sejeong – Top or Cliff

When they have an R18 warning on k-pop videos, it’s always for violence, never sex. Why is sex bad and violence just fine? Can the boring Americanised value system fuck right off out of k-pop so we can have peaceful titties for everyone thanks.

Kim Sejeong – Voyage

Isn’t slightly braided hair meant to mean you’re in the KKK or something, okay maybe not but come on everybody let’s get this woman cancelled anyway so we don’t have to listen to this song anymore.

Red Velvet & Mar Vista – Red Flavor (Mar Vista Remix)

Remember when SM used to have interesting and genuinely different stuff coming out on their SM Station project? Nowdays we just get a bullshit remix once a month.

Jihyo – Room

You’re tearing me apart, Jihyo!

Jamie – Dancing with you in the Rain

Jamie’s song is fucking boring as shit so hey let’s have our weekly black music feature, why the fuck not. Jesus Piece are cool and their music is some intense metalcore type thing that will definitely get you moving. I don’t have a lot else to say about them other than that you should listen to this song, do it caonima.

X:IN – Synchronize

Back to k-pop and oh dear. Hey at least the arcade machine with their logo on it is cool, every group should have an arcade machine.

THE BOYZ (Younghoon, Hyunjae, Juyeon, Q, Sunwoo) – Passion Fruit

I’m sure “passion fruit” doesn’t refer to anything in particular.

The Wind – With Us

Bfriend return with another Bfriendish song and it’s very Bfriendly. Gosh do the kids look out of their depth though, don’t you just want to check their lunchboxes to make sure there’s enough in there.

Kim Woojin – On My Way

I just interviewed AZODi soon who is the producer of this song. I think he did good, the song has some nice melody, neat guitar riffs and mainly sticks to one thing (yay) and it comes off a bit to me like Dami’s “Beauty Full” but maybe not quite as good only because the vocals here are too dominant for my taste. I guess you gotta push vocals front and center when producing pop but I really wouldn’t have minded hearing more of the drums and guitar. Anyway I’m glad I don’t mind it because otherwise it would have been a really fuckin’ awkward interview hey.

Lim Young Min – In My Room

ehhh its alright ig ueeses its nice liiek bein out in the cool breeze hey im feelin good might go foro a drive, whatdya mean, what’s wroong with teh way i drive I LIKE TO DRIVE

Solji – So far away

EXID members are now officially in their post-group ballad phase, where all k-poppers go to gradually be forgotten about apparently.

B.I.G – Want

I want for a better song.

FAN PICK – Fresh And New

Did the fans really pick this? Anyway there’s one group of about two or three boys in this lineup who are actually holding the microphone the correct way around, they’re my ‘fan pick’, fuck the rest of them.

BLACK ON – We Don’t Stop

Looks like someone read about my weekly black music feature but misunderstood the assignment.

Dynamic Duo – Tear Drops

The tear drops I’m crying for actual rap music in 2023.

Heize, Jung Seunghwan – It’ll pass

They only smile when it’s over, and so will you.

Thornapple – Extinction

Thornapple aren’t too bad I guess but I just can never really vibe with this guy’s voice for some reason.

FACE 2 WAYS – Scar

It’s the same kind of thing here, that over-vibratoed voice for no reason.

HÜ – The Color of Love

No, not the Mongolian Hu (who are weak as piss live, apparently) but some other Hu. I’m not sure if this video is a very subtle LGBT signalling or they’re just colour blind as shit.

Universe Mongae – Boring Girls

Accurate song title of the week. This girl needs Caitlin to show her where the good clubs are.

Sik-K – Pluto Pluto Pluto Pluto Pluto

Pluto technically isn’t a good planet and this technically isn’t a good song.

Feel B feat. Fred – Deep!

Okay the song is kinda poo but I have to admire the guy who was asked to pick his “hip-hop name” and went with Fred. That’s some caonima attitude right there.

Jayci Yucca & Dnss feat. Street Baby, ZENE THE ZILLA, Skinny Brown, Khakii, cwar, ksmartboi, Layone, KAMBO & Don Mills – Balaclava Remix

No female rappers?  What a waste of time. Let’s end roundup here, it’s clearly not going to get any better.

FUCK RIMTAPS SECTION

Mark Tuan – Everyone Else Faded

Let’s start a movement to remove all rimtaps from k-pop. Hit the fucking snare drum with the stick, how hard is it.

Leo – One Look

Seriously, no rimtaps. Change.org petition here we come.

Jeong Sewoon – Close Over

Here the rimtaps are way back in the mix, like they’re too embarrassed to even get behind that shitty sound at all.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

AZODi – How To Write K-pop – Kim Woojin – On My Way

AZODi was a great interview subject and here you get a taste of him explaining his production style. I didn’t actually go very deep at all into production aspects in my interview because there was actually no need – this video of his already does it so well and answered all the questions I had about it.

Rockit Girl – Never Stop Rock – metal version

Actually sounds more pop punk than metal but hey I’ll take it.

Fiestar – Vista

Fiestar’s debut song disappointed me after the excellent “Sea Of Moonlight” with IU, and the group didn’t really have songs I liked again until much later. However the video did introduce the world to the first jetpack appearance in k-pop, thanks Cheska. If you want to read more about how shit being in this group was for her don’t forget that I did an interview with her some years back (that hasn’t been removed by ‘external forces’ just yet) and she was cool so check it out if you haven’t, and weep for her missing nosering.

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That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!