Kpopalypse roundup – new k-pop releases 20/2/2023

It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!

Not really following the latest SM Entertainment thing because I don’t really care, but when my book comes out keep in mind it was written just over a month ago, and I have no idea why I’m mentioning this just now because we all know everything in it is completely fictional and just made up by myself.

STAYC – Teddy Bear

Pretty dull verses (what’s with every second girl group song lately just going I-IV in the verse like a boring blues group from 1930) and the 2NE1-ish rap break is pretty silly, but a killer chorus saves the day, making this song more bad meaning good than bad.

PURPLE KISS – Sweet Juice

The RBW team didn’t take any issue with the lyrics to “Sweet Juice” when they were making the album because their vision for original and wholesome music was crystal clear to them. Slang terms aren’t taught in school and not everyone is familiar with them. It’s impossible for people to be familiar with every idiom and offensive term out there and predicting their reception around the world is an even more challenging task. To be sure, they consulted with English professors, professional interpreters, translators and native speakers about this issue, who suggested it isn’t a commonplace interpretation and one they had to look up as they were unfamiliar with it themselves…

TRI.BE – We Are Young

Early Twice on a budget. It’s not too bad I suppose, I appreciate the effort.

Brave Girls – Goodbye

I’m as bummed as any rational person about the Gfriend breakup, but the one silver lining was that nobody saw it coming, therefore their final song was “Mago“, a tune of utter brilliance and one of their best ever songs. Unlike many k-pop groups, Gfriend got to go out with a bang. If the Gfriend breakup was a planned situation instead where the agency and the group members were 100% in sync with their intentions, we probably would have got the usual disgusting, insulting k-pop agency treatment – a limp, forgettable, written-on-the-toilet-seat ballad called “Goodbye”, “Seeya Later”, “Remember” or similar. Brave Girls’ version of the same old garbage comes complete with a shit montage video of footage you’ve already seen before, removing the only reason to watch it that you could have possibly had.

LIMELIGHT – Honestly

One of the girls in this group looks like a young version of exceptionally brave Kpopalypse interviewee Kim Nayoon and it’s just a very notable thing because it helps me imagine what she would look like if she ever did debut. That’s all I’ll ever say about this group until they have a song that I like.

JUST B & Alexa – MBTI

Total garbage song and the lyrical theme is cancer, AIDS and COVID combined, but Alexa killing the school uniform cosplay makes everything better, or at least tolerable. If you’re offended by that I don’t care because my personality type is CUNT.

THE BOYZ – Roar

Not much roaring going on here, more like a polite whimper.

TNX – Love or Die

Can I pick ‘die’, thanks.

E’LAST – Thrill

I really don’t understand why some boy groups get over the line with the general public and others don’t. E’Last really shouldn’t be so nugu, they’ve got better songs than most of them. Wait, I forgot I was covering k-pop where it’s all about what agency you’re on and if they’ve got the money and reputation to promote you, not anything about music quality in the least, gosh what was I thinking.

n.SSign – Salty

Speaking of saltiness, it’s time for your weekly lesson in black music because you kids surely need it and I’m more than happy to provide it. You know, those who assume that my hating of R&B is racist, is actually racist of them, because there’s an inherent assumption baked in there that R&B’s original designated role as racist dog-whistling is in fact correct, when it isn’t. Case in point is Death, no not the excellent death metal band featuring the legendary late Chuck Schulinder, but the equally excellent 1970s rock group that were as musically forward-thinking for their time as The Stooges, foreshadowing the punk movement by several years. The reason why there’s so few black rock musicians that got anywhere has a lot to do with people’s racist assumptions and resulting peer pressure i.e “you should do funk or R&B or rap instead because that’s black music, rock music is white music” when the fact is that black people invented rock music. “Oh he’s just typing words” – yeah, words you don’t understand because you need to educate yourself. We’re having “black history year” at kpopalypse.com so stay tuned kids and learn what both school and racist social networks won’t teach you.

JWiiver – Blue Fire

First anniversary special video and they’re stuck in a concrete box. What about giving them a cake or something.

Hyojin – Love Things

I love things. Faster songs than this is a thing I love.

Park Woojin feat. Kim Jaehwan – Self- Portrait

And another one. If I wanted to feel this miserable I’d just do heroin.

W24 – Revelations

Why do Korean rock bands always have this thing where leads are just strewn around on the floor randomly. They probably think it makes them look pro but it actually has the opposite effect and makes them look like total noobs. Running of cables is actually really tightly regulated on live stages, partly for the obvious OH&S reason that you don’t want k-pop boys tripping everywhere, but also because it’s really hard to find the cable you want when everything looks like spaghetti. Someone pass these boys a roll of gaffer tape.

Plastickiz – Incense

Even better just do what these guys did and get rid of the cables altogether. You’re pretending anyway, why make more work for yourself? Do you want to spend the rest of your life rolling up cables? I sure don’t.

MRCH feat. Supercell Games – Aim for love: Heart Hunter Queen

There’s no gameplay footage in the video, so I was wondering what it was promoting, I think it’s this. Looks pretty boring, folks.

Jea – Congratuations to You

Mobile phone format video, a ballad, not a BEG comeback. Three strikes, you’re out!

HELLO GLOOM – Dancing In The Dark

Not what I expected from an artist called “Hello Gloom”. If you’ve been wondering where the drag queens are in k-pop music videos, I have just located them for you, you’re welcome.

SOOVI feat. Gemini – Ooh La La

Getting dizzy watching this, can the camera just be still for two seconds damn.

Low Hanging Fruits – Wave

It’s pretty good but because it’s not someone from Red Velvet nobody will give a shit except me and maybe three other people. That’s the way it goes in k-pop.

No Sleep Club – I don’t want love

Another really good song but everyone is too busy jacking off to NCT and Seventeen to hear this over the sound of their own stroking.

CHERRY BOY 17 – Very Fun World

He’s holding the microphone the right way, so points for this.

yey – Midnight Wave

Just kind of dull and nothingy. Nice visual flair but that’s about it.

Dvwn – Highteen

Isn’t this the guy who dated Hyunv? Didn’t take him long to start singing love songs to some random girl in a bar instead.

So!YoON! – Bad

Eh.

Lyoon feat. Tatsuo – Magazine

Guys with medium-length hair acting vaguely rebellious to boring soft rock songs seems to be a real thing in Korea for some reason. I blame South Club.

Chamsom – Cue Sign

This one is just nice, the muted sound of it is cool and the video has nearly as much lesbianism as my novel so that’s a plus.

it’s – Sitcom

I’m not reviewing any more songs from this woman until she gets herself a proper name.

Im DAI – Dying Message

Not bad but the instrumentation is sadly a bit too weak for the material. This song needed someone to really scream and bash it out and take it over the edge, Jambinai style.

Ghost – Revenge

Not the good Ghost, but just some rap group. At least there’s a female rapper here so that means there’s about 16 bars somewhere in the middle of this that aren’t a complete waste of time.

Tray B – Trust Nobody

I trust nobody, and that includes nobodies called Tray B.

Jena Powder – Fresh as f**k / Me vs Me

Painful.

Jazzy Life, I hate vegetable – Stand Up

Wow, someone actually made a decent beat. Okay, it’s not amazing, but it’s an actual beat. That’s a good start.

TEAM NY – T.E.A.M.N.Y

What do you reckon the chances of these kids being from New York are. This is the same thing as some band from somewhere in American calling themselves “Seoul” just to be hip.

The Good Days Boys – 101

Only bad days here if you actually like music.

Max Kim – Don’t Hesitate

Correct microphone positioning, right? Wrong! He’s got it the wrong way around, the part that’s facing away from him is where he’s meant to be singing into. Rap music is hilarious because there’s so much emphasis on that style in “getting on the mic” yet nobody knows how to use one.

Park Ki Young – Petal

The singer tries hard to make an average ballad something more and it almost gets over the line, but the constant vocals just strangles everything else about it to death.

Rockit Girl – Last Of Us

Meanwhile Rockit Girl are saving the world, one correctly-positioned microphone at a time. Good enough for Rockit Girl, good enough for everyone else.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

Sorn: rating my best and worst stage outfits

Lots of tea-time on the Sorn channel these days now that she’s independent. Enjoy her dunking on her shitty outfits in an episode worthy of Kpopalypse Fashion Class.

CSR – Rough (Gfriend)

CSR’s version of Gfriend’s classic “Rough” shockingly has even more crazy shredding guitar than the original. Approved.

Twice – Knock Knock

I know I’ve covered it before, but just reminding you again that “Knock Knock” is still the best Twice song, and I’m still baffled by the amount of hate this song gets even from supposed Twice fans. It’s the song that most successfully captures the atmosphere of fun that JYP was always going for with Twice. People who hate this song hate fun. Kpopalypse loves fun because I’ve been having fun writing about k-pop for a decade now while everyone whines like bitches but you can’t ruin my fun, it’s impossible, that’s why I keep doing it and continue to apologise for fucking nothing. Especially with songs this good around.

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That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!