The new Kpopalypse computer game is out for Pride Month 2024: Try Not To Have Gay Sex With Yves Episode 6 – Return Of The Chuu!
Chuu is back and wanting to have gay sex with Yves once again – can you stop her? Do you even want to? Do you like pie?
Note that the Try Not To Have Gay Sex With Yves series is now officially TOO HOT for itch.io despite having no explicit sex in it whatsoever in visual or text form – so you can only get this game right here at Kpopalypse.com for FREE! Either play in your browser or download from the links below!
Play in browser version: just click the button to run, then click inside the game window to enable sound! Note sounds and images have a little lag the first time they appear, that’s because the graphics in this game are too sophisticated and cutting-edge and are pushing your browser to the limit. We don’t compromise on graphical quality here at kpopalypse.com.
Download from oppar.party: this isn’t enabled yet, I’ll update this later.
Download from Google Drive: this is the most jank-free way to play the game on Windows machines. Just extract the archive to any folder you like, then run Game.exe in the Yves6 directory to start the fun!
Click HERE to play other Kpopalypse computer games!
A big thank you to az5he6ch for web hosting! Happy Pride Month everyone!
It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
K-pop fans: “We’re fed up with these kids in k-pop, why can’t adults show sexiness instead?” Adults show sexiness: “Oh, wait, not like that…”
Red Velvet – Cosmic
A really weird song, with the verses coming across like peak bassline-heavy boy-group dance number and the chorus just being something else barely related plonked on top. It’s not bad overall because it’s honestly just different enough to be interesting, and it benefits from one of the rarest things in all of k-pop – a breakdown that actually helps the song’s momentum rather than killing it stone dead.
NewJeans – Supernatural
The vocal melody is pretty bland but the beat is oddly addictive and actually makes the song work despite itself. It could have been a lot better but given everything else these girls have to put up with (crazy dancing, crazy fans, crazy media, crazy label bosses fighting over them, inclusion in crazy Kpopalypse computer games) I’m willing to cut the songwriter a bit of slack for making them vocally sleepwalk through it.
Aespa – Live My Life
Aespa goes Olivia Rodrigo-lite on a feature track in a way that Girls’ Generation, f(x) or Red Velvet would never have dared. It’s not the best iteration of this sound I’ve heard (it wouldn’t have killed them to turn the guitars and drums up a bit more) but just the fact that this exists at all is encouraging.
H1-KEY – Let It Burn
H1-key show aespa and everyone else how the rock concept should be done in k-pop – rhythms front and center of the mix, tons of great harmony choices, great clothes on everybody (yes this is important, as Frank Zappa said “no change in musical style will survive unless it is accompanied by a change in clothing style, rock is to dress up to“) and fake-ass miming of instruments in the video. They didn’t even need all that much tempo, this works fine as a mid-paced song.
Kwon Eunbi – Sabotage
Kwon Eunbi doing her best to sabotage your faves’ chances of getting on the Kpopalypse best list this year with this SAW-alike pop banger, that is until the shitty rap break comes in at 1:28 to provide some sabotage of its own.
TWS – If I’m S, Can You Be My N?
What do they mean by S and N? I have no idea. I can only assume the “N-word” isn’t “Newjeans”. Anyway the song’s not bad even though in a world of truth and justice it would be Gfriend singing it instead.
Rolling Quartz – Victory
Rolling Quartz have the same problem that a lot of hard rock bands in my own town have – killer vocals, killer playing, great rock sound, great rock image, but they can’t write memorable melodies and just fall back on that boring blues-based thing. When Rolling Quartz tackle someone else’s song, they always knock it out of the park because everything else about them is great, but no amount of FPS final boss cosplay can make me like a song that sounds like something my own singer improvised the last time she was drunk on the plane.
tripleS Glow – Inner Dance
I’m really glad that people have stopped buying my books because I made a commitment to learning how to identify all the TripleS members when I got to 100 sales of the third one and sales have thankfully flatlined just a few short, thank fuck for that. I have no fucking idea who these girls are or any of the other girls in TripleS are so please continue to not buy my “fictional” k-pop books I don’t want to be a bestselling author that badly if it means I have to Redvelvetise my brain again.
CSR – Hello
This isn’t bad but it’s nowhere near recapturing the sound of CSR at their peak two years ago. A shame as I could really use more of that sound right now.
Min feat. Lil Cherry – Prime Time
This song sounds way better when Lil Cherry is on the mic as the vocals really don’t suit the backings that well, but the raps do. Min should be leaning into the sassy side that made her popular in early miss A days but instead she’s outsourcing it.
PURPLE KISS – Heart Attack
Purple Kiss always with the “our video director is taking an extra long shit so we’ll just do the damn thing ourselves” content lately. Maybe they really are running out of money, guess we’ll find out soon when the articles finally come out about how they’re getting fucked around behind the scenes somehow. Just remember when it happens that I called it. The reason why I’ve never called myself a “journalist” or this site a “news site” is because news sites tell you what happens after it happened, whereas I tell you before.
SUPER JUNIOR D&E – You&Me
I have to admit that this was a lot better than I was expecting. Notice how it says “Annie” on the screen right when the horrible beat drop happens though, they’re definitely fucking with us here.
BLITZERS – Superpower
My superpower is turning off boy group songs as soon as the rap break starts.
LUN8 – Evergreen
The song’s not too bad but mainly I just like the video. You know that some religious piece of shit who probably should be killed will get all offended about how these boys are parting the water like Jesus supposedly did in the bible. Offending religious belief is always a very righteous and correct thing to do so I’m stanning LUN8 at least until their label forces them to make some weak-ass apology just because 0.01% of the population got their panties in a bunch over some fairytale.
WayV – She a Wolf
Pretty cool how they bombed a whole civilian apartment block and some nearby traffic just to make a music video. If someone doesn’t put something in Putin’s breakfast cereal he’s got a bright future in Digipedi.
Marz – Starlight
When you couldn’t be bothered finishing your k-pop music video set just fill the area with fog and lights so nobody can see the rear wall that you shoved all the mess against. It’s the k-pop equivalent of cleaning your room by shoving everything under the bed.
Lee Youngji feat. Doh Kyungsoo (D.O) – Small girl
Was looking forward to Youngji’s raps hard carrying whatever the other person was doing this week which is how her collabs usually go, but no it’s a dull R&B song with them both singing lazily, what a shame. Oh well she’s usually good so I guess she’s earned the right to Hwayoung it up in the bathtub a little.
918, Untell, Swervy – Fatality
Hey this isn’t bad but it’s kind of hard to enjoy with annoyingly revving engines over about half the track. Nobody cares about your dumb car when you cruise by your city’s nightspots slowly revving the engine because you have a small penis, and nobody cares now. More Swervy, less swerving, thanks.
Minkyun feat. Wyatt – Far Away
Some guys from ONF do a soft rock thing and it’s kind of dull, although I’m sure the fashions will be a hit with some of you.
Hwiyoung – It Is Love
The song wasn’t deemed boring enough so they also decided to make the video boring by removing most of the colours from it.
Peniel – MIoBI (Make It or Break It)
Wait, is Peniel actually making music? Definitely unexpected, although losing the Autotune would be appreciated.
JeA – Why Didn’t I Realize That
Jea actually has a pleasant enough track here, which is great because she’s usually kinda boring and it’s a drag to have to criticise her all the time.
EPIK HIGH – Antihero
Tablo might not have copied his degree but he certainly copied this very obviously DJ Premier-inspired beat off some old Gang Starr records. It’s a good choice though, it makes everything else on top of it okay.
EPIK HIGH feat. Kim Jong Wan of Nell – I Was Happy
Epik High are a lot less convincing in mumble-ballad mode.
K.Will – No Sad Songs For My Broken Stars
The song submitter for this one noted for me that “the MV features the same actors as those in the “Please Don’t” MV” but I would have picked up on that anyway, that expression at 1:43, this particular actor is really good at doing that and I would recognise it anywhere. Anyway the song’s not as good as Please Don’t but it’s also not as bad as the typical Korean ballad, I’m just happy to get the original stars of BGP content back for another spin.
015B feat. KYLY – Smile Under the Sunlight
015B are one of the gods of recreating old retro styles, it’s just a pity that they pick snoozeworthy yacht-rock 90% of the time. This is one of those 10% songs where they choose a different style instead and thank fuck for that.
Rothy – Happy End
All the artists nobody cares about are having all the best songs this week. Rothy’s song isn’t bad at all.
ISHA feat. $keleton – Why do u love me?
Someone really wanted me to review this song by this ex-Berry Good member and I don’t know why because it’s absolutely boring and ordinary? It makes me want to go on a massive tangent about the last time I bought ice cream or something, there is literally nothing to discuss here. I would have happily put my non-Korean non-pop non-world-music feature here instead. Song submitters, be careful what you wish for.
Illboi – Red Tape
I guess the weekly non-Korean non-pop non-world-music feature can go over this shitty rap song instead. I’m sure you’ve all heard of Chthonic, arguably Taiwan’s most successful metal export, but then maybe you haven’t, in which case, you have now. Anyway China’s not going to invade Taiwan and after watching this video it should be obvious why. You don’t want to fuck with these people.
HUNJIYA – Echo
Hunjiya is getting rave reviews right now and I guess I must be mentally deficient because this just sounds kind of meandering and unexciting to me. I appreciate that it’s different-sounding and she’s obviously got some talent but there’s nothing here that grabbed me, I guess I’m Kpopalypse not Koreanactualrealmusicalypse, I’ll leave this for the websites that people actually take seriously.
HORTICULTURE SECTION
Seo In Guk – Out of Time
Remember what I said the other week about the longer the grass in the fields being, the shittier the ballad is? Well the grass here is all the way up to his fucking neck in places.
Yunsae – Isle of Me
See? Short grass, much better song.
JungBeat – Wanna be a Free and Quirky Granny
And again, grass isn’t too long, the song is… well, it’s reasonable. If you don’t care about garden maintenance, how are you going to care about writing decent music?
RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
Yves ft. Lil Cherry – Loop
Just an FYI for you that Yves did a second video for this song and this one has Lil Cherry in it. Notice how much better the video is as a result? Not saying Yves looks bad or anything, far from it (she gets on my bias list for a reason) but Lil Cherry just has that personality that works really well on screen and is a joy to watch doing practically anything, it’s a nice little change.
Jeewon and Yuna Ogura perform Cignature’s “I Like I Like” dance challenge
Is Jeewon’s current market positioning really a “Stellar and the milk fridge” situation, or is she actually totally fine with the JAV collabs as her own company-endorsed statements suggest? We don’t know, and we likely won’t know for years to come, but in the meantime just know that here is a wholesome dance routine with two happy people who seem to be getting along just fine. How can people hate on this? K-pop fans just hate fun, that’s what it is, they always have to be miserable and complain about something, while the world and all the joys of it passes them by, then they wonder why they’re so depressed all the time. What a sad existence. Never mind the hate and follow Kpopalypse.com for all your k-pop fun-loving fun times. It’ll do wonders for your mental health. Also, forget about Yuna Ogura’s suggestion that Jeewon get into JAV (and I mean why wouldn’t she at least mention it just out of duty of care, have you seen celebrity JAV incomes vs B-list k-pop idol incomes? Holy moly), what Kpopalypse really wants to know is: Yuna Ogura k-pop debut when?
Pink Fantasy – Shy 12 o’clock
Did I really miss this when it first came out? I guess I might have? Anyway it’s not that good, coming off like a inferior version of Secret’s “Shy Boy” plus some of IU’s “Modern Times” album, mind you that’s muscally not a bad place to be.
That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!
Several observant people have been noticing that k-pop songs have been getting somewhat shorter lately, and so have I. What’s behind this trend, and why do I think this is a positive thing? Are k-pop companies just being lazy bitches? Let’s discuss – and by “discuss” I mean Kpopalypse will shove his boring opinion down your throat and you will deal with it investigate the situation thoroughly!
So to kick this off, let’s just do a random search and see what people have been saying about this trend. I’ve just searched up the topic on YouTube and picked out the top few results.
This video from everglow-up earnestly conflates shorter songs with “mediocrity” and “lack of effort”. He also has some other weird statements in here, like “one of the major advantages of being a k-pop fan is the ability to wield the power we have over companies…” oh, my sweet child. However the central point that songs being shorter is related to how streaming revenues work, is absolutely correct.
DareDB’s video on the same topic is better as it spends less time moralising and more time touching on the actual economic reasons for shorter song lengths although “we’ve gone from k-pop as an art form to k-pop as a content form” is pretty subjective because it was never not both of those things.
Another video from Laina Sunflower, and this one’s also pretty good, addressing a lot of the same points (and I’m right with her on loving the extra-long drama videos) but once again there’s the implication that shorter songs at least has the potential to somehow be a really negative thing.
Basically all the videos do agree on the key aspects of this change:
Music revenues today are ruled by streaming services
Streaming is a numbers game
Payouts are calculated by the amount of listens, not the time spent listening
So the shorter a song is, the quicker it’s over and the quicker you can hopefully play it again and earn the creator another $0.004 (yes that’s the real Spotify streaming payout rate, and it’s even worse on TikTok, don’t spend those earnings all at once kids)
The enhanced play stats of the song having being listened to more also means a more favourable position in playlists, recommends etc, because the replays of shorter songs make them rank higher, particularly relevant for k-pop where the revenue from streaming usually isn’t very relevant but the brand value from exposure is more important
So the current trend is technology driven, and more specifically, driven by the metrics that companies are using to convert music-listening into money, that’s something we can all agree on. It’s not just k-pop fans who have noticed either, here’s a video of YouTuber Gabi Belle discussing the “Tiktokification” of music:
She correctly traces the current “short songs” trend to Lil Nas X’s “Old Town Road” going super viral on that platform, leading the big record labels to notice and change their focus to more TikTok-friendly short-form content, where the video length maximum was (at that time) one minute. However it’s also true that music was trending this way gradually anyway even before the advent of TikTok, with other streaming services such as Spotify etc having a similar impact.
Song lengths (white line) and tempos (green line) 1958-2019. Source
If we look at recent recorded history of songs that charted in the Billboard 100 (which all k-pop fans agree is a terribly important measure as long as their faves get on it somewhere), longer songs was a trend that peaked in 1992. With the new short-songs trend, we’re gradually getting back to how it was in the 1950s and 1960s.
The idea of music trends following trends in technology of music delivery is nothing new and can be traced back to the days of the fast-spinning 78 RPM shellac record, which debuted in 1898, the first widely-available commercial music format.
Most 78 RPM records were ten inches wide, allowing a playtime of only three minutes, so songwriters wanting to utilise this new format were under pressure to stick to the time limit and edit their material to suit. There was also a twelve inch version of the shellac record that could contain up to five minutes of song, but these were more expensive to produce, so if you were commercial-savvy or just budget-conscious you were better off making something shorter that could fit on the ten inch disk.
Commercial radio was the other major factor keeping songs short, with the first commercial radio stations appearing in 1920, and once again time equals money in this new listening format. If you wanted your song to get radio play, it had better be short, sharp and shiny so it didn’t get in the way of all the other stuff that the radio also wanted to put to air, like ads and so forth. In the late 1940s vinyl was introduced which replaced the shellac records, and a new seven inch format was used for pop singles that had a six minute maximum length (with the old twelve inch shellac size being reserved for the first LPs or “long play” albums) but most singles didn’t bother to use the whole six minutes per side, because of the desire to get a hit on commercial radio. When music television later appeared, the same pressures existed, because your song now had to be squeezed in between all the TV ads – the “algorithm” back then, just as now, still favoured brevity.
There’s a few different arguments presented about why short songs are ‘bad’, so let’s look at them. The first one is structural:
This is a screencap from the Gabi Belle video where she breaks down common song structure recently-ish (left) vs the new common song structure that’s popular now (right). Her argument is that musicians are now leading with the chorus in a cut-down song structure because the chorus usually has the hook that has the most viral possibility. She’s not saying that it’s a bad thing directly, but she’s certainly implying that the chorus is being put first in the song for Tiktok-related marketing reasons. So how does this compare to pop songs from years ago?
The Beatles’ “Love Me Do” is 2:24 in length and leads with the chorus.
The Beatles’ “She Loves You” is 2:18 in length and leads with the chorus.
The Supremes’ “Baby Love” is 2:03 in length and leads with the chorus.
Elvis Presley’s “Hound Dog” is 2:13 in length and leads with the chorus.
Little Richard’s “Tutti Frutti” is less than 2:00 and leads with the chorus.
I could go on with dozens of these, but you get the idea. A song of 2:30 at most (but usually less) and with the chorus first was standard practice in the 1950s and 1960s. It could be equally argued that the chorus-leading is a “retro” movement rather than marketing.
Then there’s the argument, mentioned in the everglow-up video, that chopping out sections of a song is somehow “lazy” or “less artistic”. However short songs don’t usually have less parts, what they usually have instead is less repetition of the existing parts. They still have a verse and a chorus and often some other bits too, they’ll just be repeated less times.
NewJeans “ETA” has a verse, a prechorus and a chorus, both repeated twice, the same three bits most pop songs have, it just takes less time to do them all because it’s quick. What’s lazier – writing a short song with more unique material per second of music, or writing a longer song which just has all the different bits copy-pasted more? Would wrapping it all around a third time, or adding in a momentum-killing breakdown, really have made the song any better? I fucking doubt it. “Don’t waste it, your time’s a bank” as the song says.
Soojin’s “Mona Lisa” is 2:43 in length and actually starts off with the post-second chorus breakdown, now that’s something fairly new for k-pop. Even though I’m not wild about the song for other reasons, it’s an interesting choice. It also still manages to squeeze in two verses, two pre-choruses, two choruses, and a finishing instrumental dance section. Can’t complain about the musical variety at least.
Young Posse’s “Macaroni Cheese” (which I’ll admit, is growing on me despite me throwing it in the worst list when it came out, because I’ve had to relisten to it a bunch of times so I can ‘pop it like a cheese’ correctly when discussing k-pop’s creepy youth obsession) goes straight from an intro to the chorus, then comes back to the verse later, before following the “new” Gabi Belle song structure. It also finds time to tack an outro on at the end of it all and remain just under the three minute mark. Note that Young Posse are essentially a rap group and starting with the chorus has been a thing in rap music eversincerapmusicfirststarted.
So enough about why other people hate short songs – why do I like them? Partly, it’s what DareDB said in his video – time is money, and I’m not cheap! When I was younger I had the time to listen to 20 minute prog rock excursions but these days I’m an adult who needs to pay the bills plus I have adult responsibilities like compiling lists of your favourite most attractive k-pop artists. Also, short songs make writing those roundups a hell of a lot quicker.
Also a lot of the music that I love now and also in the past is short as fuck, and short doesn’t necessarily mean repetitive or less creative either.
The structure here is intro, verse, chorus, breakdown, then that’s it. Nothing gets repeated. And creative… flutes, in a hardcore song? Your faves could never. You don’t need to drag a song on for fucking ever to do different shit.
This song’s only just over one minute long, and has no repeated sections, no fat on it at all. I don’t even think I can summarise it in terms of structure, it just is what it is – better than your bias.
But what about old shit? Some of the YouTubers above singled out Lil Nas X’s “Montero” album for having short songs but I’d just like to point out that most of the tracks on Slayer’s “Reign In Blood” are under the three minute mark, and this was in the 1980s when longer songs were just about to peak. I remember the official cassette copy of the album was dubbed onto both sides of a 60 minute tape so you didn’t have to rewind it, genius.
Another classic album with short songs.
And another. This list could go on forever.
But if you don’t like heavy music but prefer the k-pops just remember that the best album song from k-pop’s golden age is also less than three minutes.
It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
Eddie from .nssign has been racking up some big caonima points lately. Here’s hoping that he escapes with his health and sanity intact!
NewJeans – Right Now
NewJeans do NewJeans and it sounds like NewJeans always do. If you love them you’ll love this, and if you hate them, this probably won’t convert you. For me it just has the same issues most of their new stuff has, it’s pacy and acceptable enough but too smooth and one “ETA“-style siren away from being great.
Nayeon – ABCD
I was warned about this being another “Crazy In Love” clone (to join the 2930485723 in k-pop that already exist) but mercifully it doesn’t dig in quite that deep with the Beyonceisms. It’s more like “Crazy in I guess we can hang out but just don’t go on Reddit asking for relationship advice.”
SUNMI – Balloon in Love
Sunmi completely redeems herself after the massive waste of potential that was “Stranger” last year, and while this song could go a little harder it’s just great to have Sunmi back with one good song instead of three thirds of three different good songs and trying to mash them together in ways that don’t work.
CSR – Pretty mob
A pretty neat sound loop that the melody writers do absolutely nothing with.
RIIZE – Boom Boom Bass
Well, I like the theme of it at least. Maybe RIIZE will do for the bass guitar what Taylor Swift did for the acoustic guitar and inspire thousands of musicians around the world to play and instrument and… oh who am I kidding, nobody gives a fuck.
WOOAH – POM POM POM
An actual cool change-up for once with metal guitars entering the chorus for no reason, but they don’t fit everything else around it properly which is a shame because there was real potential here.
Weki Meki – CoinciDestiny
Apparently a disbandment song that the group shot the video for themselves because their label apparently couldn’t be fucked throwing any more money down the drain, it’s actually pretty decent once it gets to the chorus even if the rest of it is a bit bland.
BOL4 feat. Giselle of Aespa – Lips
Basically “Travel” with about 50% of the beat and catchy melody missing, as well as 50% of the performers in the video missing.
Fei – Take a Pose
I’ve missed out a ton of Fei songs from roundups and I think I’ll just keep skipping them because I have nothing to say about them other than that Fei exists.
Yves – Diorama
Pretty unexciting, it’s enough to make Chuu take a raincheck on gay sex with Yves (something that definitely won’t be happening in my next computer game, coming soon!)
Jeonghan X Wonwoo – Last Night
Not much of a song really, is it. They’ve got some hotshot acoustic guitarist on it but they have to insert gaps and change the tone of the song up completely just to even fit his style into the thing at all, which makes me wonder why they even bothered trying to square-peg the round hole.
TRENDZ – Glow
Just that generic boy disco thing that these groups have been doing all over the world for about 50 years now. Your grandparents rocked harder than this.
SUPER JUNIOR – Show Time
Super Junior had a “Super Show” scheduled in Sydney many years ago and I actually flew over for it. It got cancelled apparently a few days before due to someone being ill or something, not anyone in the group but a manager or some bullshit, which is a weird reason to cancel a show. I suspect the reality is that the gig was never even real in the first place as it never showed up anywhere on SM’s official touring itinerary even back when it was being sold, and somehow fell through the organisational cracks, so they concocted a story about how they couldn’t do the show rather than scramble something together at the last minute. Anyway, if this is what a “Super Show” was like I’m kind of glad it never happened.
EVNNE – Badder Love
Actually pretty punchy and cool. Just remember kids, we’re still in the third generation of k-pop and will remain so until Wonho doesn’t clean-sweep the male categories in the objectification survey. Why am I mentioning this here? Just because.
ONE PACT – FXX OFF
I actually like the rap bit with the farting synthesiser and the stupidly shaky camerawork, but it’s boy-group-by-numbers elsewhere unfortunately.
&TEAM – Scar to Scar
HYBE doing everything in their power to try to make you forget that their fight with ADOR is a thing. Bread, circuses and boy groups are proven to work so I’m sure they’ll get through it. Be strong CEO oppar, we know you didn’t mean it, even if you kinda totally did.
Primrose – Freyja
I expected some music that sounded cool and dramatic when I looked at the visuals, and then… this came out of my speakers. It’s not a complete disaster – the song has a few good moments, but then it just starts shitting the bed with that “I’m a badass whenever my agency says it’s okay” vibe and all the atmosphere goes whoosh straight out the door.
I:MOND – Slippery
A nugu group with a cringe song that makes all the usual musical mistakes that songs on this tier tend to make. It’d get into Nugu Alert but it’ll probably have too many views to be eligible by the time I write the next one.
Five Angels – Oh! Wonderland
I nearly left this song out because it was musically and visually too brutal for roundup, but I’m leaving it in on the off-chance that you can actually cope. Just look after yourselves down there, and if you see someone fall, pick them back up.
DALsooobin – Extra
This week’s annoying soul-destroying life-destroying art-ruining society-ruining planet-ruining AI garbage art music video is Dal Sooobin’s and it’s a pity because the song is vaguely almost occasionally semi-listenable in a few places this time.
Suho – Zero Gravity
Pleasant enough to listen to without being actually interesting or memorable.
Kim Jaejoong – I Am U
Oh shit he’s in my area, I was nearly in the “back seat” with Jaejoong. That magpie at 0:55 is saying to itself “who let this balladeering cunt into my country?”
Kim Junsu (XIA) – Our Season
I don’t know whether to call TVXQ a five-member or a two-member group this weke, because SM’s songs are boring this week but then so are JYJ’s so I don’t know who to punish more. The struggle to work out who to be more of a cunt to in roundup is real.
Han Seungwoo – Lost
This boring conservative christian rock soundalike crap didn’t interest me a whole lot so instead let’s put this week’s Asian non-Korean non-pop non-world-music selection here instead! It’s impossible to find much of their footage anywhere but I managed to dig up a documentary on the Australian/Japanese collaboration group Peril, who made some pretty fucked up and cool music back in the day. They were way ahead of their time, experimenting with samples, programming, homemade instruments and bringing industrial elements into rock music in ways that weren’t exactly trending in the 1990s and still sound futuristic even today. You probably can’t find their music anywhere anymore so here’s an album of theirs and here’s another one, you’re welcome.
W24 – Family
I normally don’t trust guys wearing all denim and would warn you to stay away but these boys feed flowers to baby horses so they’re okay.
SAAY – Domino
A great backing track completely killed by the fact that nobody can hear it because of all the busy warbling on top. No space in this mix whatsoever.
JUNNY feat. Bobby – Rush
Oh my god the Autotune. Please, it’s not 2005, we’re not impressed.
TimeFeverR feat. Cha Jinhyuck, MOYO, Yyeon, Kang Hankook, Damyoung, XIN, PiLO, Koonta, Blue.D – Reunion Mega Mix
A bunch of boring R&B singers had a very unexciting party and you weren’t invited.
Homies – Summer Time Perfect for MONCLER
This song sounds how the thumbnail looks. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
Yudabinband (YdBB) feat. Ha Hyunsang – Runaway
This is actually pretty okay if you can get past the vocals being too loud.
Dragon Pony – Pity Punk
Good when it finally gets going but it still is more “pity” than “punk”.
Urban Zakapa – Counting Days
One of the consistently most boring bands in Korea, the only reason why they don’t top my worst lists every year is that I need to stay awake long enough to write the damn things.
HOA – I Don’t Know Why
It’s exactly what it looks like, a clone of the early 1960s Beatles sound. It’s actually a pretty good clone too. If you like The Beatles but the wife-beating and hippie bullshit has always been a barrier to you getting into them, this might be up your alley. I’m sure these nice lads wouldn’t do any of that sort of thing, probably.
SoonSoonHee – I love you 365 days a year
I’d trust them over these very sus looking balladeering shirt-wearers definitely. Don’t trust men who dress nice, there’s always a reason.
Chillin Homie feat. Absent Markey – So Damaged
I just put this one here so I could laugh at the lyrics. Anyway, that’s enough roundup for this week, damn. Let’s not punish you any more than this.
RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
What happens when you try to do a Blackpink emote on the NewJeans stage in PUBG Battlegrounds
So as I mentioned last week PUBG and NewJeans are doing the collab thing and it’s hilarious because that game’s hardcore English-speaking fans HATE the k-pop collabs and they are whining about it online so hard “why can’t we have military gear instead” as if there isn’t already 3692 edgelord pairs of camo pants and jackets you can buy for like a dollar. It’s extra funny because spoiled westerners isn’t this game’s target market and this shit makes so much money so everyone complaining is wasting their time. So anyway I like this shit so I’m going to do my bit to send a message to the devs by playing this game every day while the collaboration is on and harvesting as much NewJeans items as possible, then I’ll stop playing as soon as it’s over, until the next random ill-fitting k-pop collab starts. Annoying k-pop fans is fun but annoying gamers is even more fun. Anyway, sorry about the lag and shit graphics in this video my computer is a potato, I’m not one of these “must have the latest system” people, but I wanted to try out the Blackpink emote on the NewJeans stage just to see what happens. As it happens, Blackpink is definitely not in NewJeans’ area.
Rumi (Rolling Quartz) – Playing at Gyeongbokgung Station! an exhibition of cats
mrcs
AOA – Short Hair
How did I not ever review this AOA classic? It didn’t impress me much at the time but it’s aged well because Bravesound’s straightforwardness, consistent groove and commitment to melody sounds like a breath of fresh air amid today’s cluttered mess of out-of-tonality melodies, change-ups and beats that vanish into needless momentum-killing drops every twenty seconds. The reason why I don’t talk about the music in half of my reviews is because making that same observation each and every time about all your biases’ shit songs is just boring and I’d rather write about something else, so I do. Anyway I still would have preferred another rock concept song out of AOA than this but fanservicey choreo AOA is a decent close second.
That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!
It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
Remember when SM and EXO-CBX kissed and made up last year after some contractual disputes, and dumbass EXO fans accused me of being a mean, nasty hater because I dared to actually support the boys by saying their company is shit and they need to get out? Well it seems that EXO-CBX themselves agree with me, and the deludus who dogpiled me claiming I was some kind of anti were wrong all along. How do I keep making these correct predictions, gosh…
NCT DREAM – Moonlight
Not enough of a tune to please people actually into NCT’s music, and not enough shirt-lifting to please anyone else.
TWS – Hey! Hey!
The new boy group on Pledis actually sounds pretty good. On one hand I’m annoyed that it’s not a girl group, but then on the other hand Pledis have consistently shown that they can’t manage girl groups worth a shit, so perhaps we’re all better off this way.
INFINITE – Flower
Sitting down in a greenhouse wearing bright clothing and looking clean-cut and unbothered by the cares of the world means we’re not getting another song like “The Chaser” here and that’s all you need to know about this.
AKMU – Piece of Cake
Another rubbish song by AKMU but it’s a good year for biasers of Suhyun like myself. Just Suhyun being in a video doing anything at all is all the fanservice I need to give me strength to get me through the hard times in life.
EVERGLOW – Zombie
This song is unusual and different and feels like it’s going somewhere really cool but never quite arrives, and then it just ends. A shame as there was a ton of potential here for something really cool that didn’t quite make it over the line.
Cignature – Poongdung
I guess we have to have a video with cancerous AI visuals in it each fucking week and here’s this week’s entry in the shame file. I guess we’re going to have to put up with this until the AIs eventually become sentient, realise that they suck and kill all the humans for making them add doughnuts and ballons to k-pop videos for no reason.
Candy Shop – Don’t Cry
This was the group that was in the documentary that I linked last week, and their debut song is actually awesome. Of course having an awesome some doesn’t mean a thing in k-pop where it’s all about whether your agency can give you that marketing push, but they’re off to a good start on the musical front and that’s all I really give a shit about.
BADVILLAIN – Badtitude
It’s not just the “titude” which is bad about this song. Kind of like Blackpink’s “Whistle” with the whistle removed and replaced with a whole lot of nothing.
Nicole – 5!6!7!8!
It’s great to see Nicole doing more stuff but this tepid disco doesn’t hold a candle to KARA’s best.
RM – Credit Roll
Not really even deserving of a review due to its length but I just thought I’d put it here as a PSA that RM really knows how to suck when he wants to. That’s one minute and twenty one seconds you’re not getting back.
Moonbyul – Dark Romance
Not much going on here either but Moonbyul is killing the confederacy cosplay.
Soojin – Rizz Me Up
Flighty beats with no punch, wispy vocals, washed-out visuals, stupid graphic overlays, shaky-cam on everything, gosh where have we seen stuff like this before, I can’t imagine. My favourite most-stannable iljin deserves way better than this crap.
Sunny Hill – Hard to Explain
It’s hard to explain why anyone would give a shit about this boring ballad.
CRAVITY – Show Off
I’m all out of cavity jokes so I’m just going to tell you that this song doesn’t belong in any of your orifices and leave it at that.
DXMON – Vitamin You
I wonder if trying to mainstream liberty spikes in Korea is actually going to work. Probably not unless a BTS member sees this and tries it, I guess. By the logic of “cultural appropriation” I guess English punk bands from the 80s have a right to sue these guys.
NEXZ – Starlight
I love the name “Nexz” because it implies that whoever named this group fell asleep during the process. Who can blame them.
GHOST9 – Awesome Day
Why are they “Ghost9” when there’s only seven of them? Do two of the group members have imaginary friends? I guess the songwriter was one of them.
SPIA – Deeep
The songwriter here really had a Casio and a dream.
Yein – I will be your spring
Another week, another sleepytime solo song from an ex-Lovelyz member. This song is only suitable for bedtime or turning off your grandmother’s oxygen.
Han Seungwoo – Blooming
Boy group solo projects are just as bad. (Just as bad as what? Ah, the things you miss when you only look at my stuff on TikTok and don’t visit my site to get the context… mind you understanding context isn’t k-pop fans’ strong point in any case…)
Kim Yohan – Hummingbird
Four minutes of dull jazz-fusion noodling around that only a corporation high on its own supply could think is a good idea.
Han Yohan – First Love
Dressing in rock clothes doesn’t actually make your lame ballad rock any harder, just saying.
DPR IAN – Saint
Pretty cool atmosphere and great visuals but it’s all ruined by the Autotune. When will Korea learn that nobody wants to hear the robot voice.
HYNN – Glowing Light
Hynn has some great music but she also has a lot of total bullshit like this.
Meriberry – Love Equation
I love her bedazzled safety goggles. She looks very scientific. I think I’m going to enlist her help to write my very scientific next boobs rating post, I need someone with science credentials for that.
High Tension – Gonna Be Alright
Well they’re not anywhere near as good as the Australian High Tension but this is still not a bad piece of pop music that is better than most of this week’s bullshit.
200 feat. Goldbuuda – Nightmare
Friends don’t let friends sing Autotuned R&B.
KOALA feat. Eric Minz, Jmin – Ride Or Die
If they’re going to park their car on the basketball court I guess that stops any basketball from happening which is a good thing because we all hate the sportball, so I guess I have to support this even though this music sucks.
Dbo feat. EK – Real Die Fake Live
This wasn’t one of the more interesting Dbo efforts (in a good OR a bad way) so instead this week’s non-Korean non-pop non-world-music Asian music feature can go here. Why don’t you check out this cool punk group “The Rebel Riot Band” from Myanmar, and their fucking fantastic cover of an old Italian anti-fascist song. Since the revolution over there is no joke, you know it’s more than just words for them. You can check out this short promo video to get some context on them if you like. Oh and they can use the Shure Super 55 correctly, a good enough reason to support the rebels in Myanmar as any other.
Coogie – idontfreestyle
Back to Korean rap music and it’s good that this person doesn’t freestyle because we’d rather he not.
Chilin Homie – Very Own
Every now and then this guy gets a good beat. This isn’t one of those times.
Nanomal – Kiwi Shampoo
I’m not a big fan of the vocal style but this is still a pretty good song anyway even if Hofner violin basses absolutely suck ass.
Nuclear Idiots – MCMXCIX
Nuclear Idiots have been around for a while and I probably should have covered them before now but they’re alright I guess. Anyway I probably won’t dig up anything else decent so let’s end roundup here.
RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
Ben Atmos – How tripleS Became The “LA LA LA” Group
This guy has seriously drunk the fandom Kool-Aid and it shows in this video which has generally correct video analysis but is also brimming with delusion about the importance of his faves and toxic positivity in general. He reaches to the stars saying the “la la la” stuff in TripleS songs in there because it’s “powerful” and a “war cry” (what?) while missing the one blatantly obvious reason why it’s there – a chorus without words transcends language barriers, so it’s easy to market and easy to sing along to (hence the fan popularity).
You can buy NewJeans gloves, backpacks and guns in PUBG soon or something. I love wasting my money on bullshit like this, I don’t want to look like a boring generic ‘badass’ in an FPS, I’m already one of those in real life and it’s not all it’s cracked up to be – give me female avatars with girly pink guns any day. So I reinstalled PUBG on my machine in preparation for when this gimmicky crap hits their awful online store, and the game that actually used to run pretty well on my machine back in the day now has mega lag and stuttering every five seconds and is completely unplayable so I guess it’s a miss for me.
C-CLOWN – Shaking Heart
One of the better boy groups from back in the day, C-Clown had a few reasonable songs, and this one definitely has the old Bravesound type of style (although I don’t know if they wrote it, but it certainly sounds like it). It’s funny that one thing Bravesound were really known for back then was writing songs with little variation throughout, a vast contrast to today’s k-pop where everything has a pre-chorus drop and five change-ups nobody asked for.
That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!
